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by BugsBunny28
Summary: The story starts at the beginning of the first season. Some things would be similar to the show, and some very, very different. If you're looking for a compilation of short Bellark moments, this story isn't for you. If you're looking for a huge build up, a bit of a thriller, and a satisfying ending with a twist, take a look inside :) Bellark!
1. One Hell of a Day

**The story starts at the beginning of the first season. Some things will be similar to the show, and some will be very different.**

 **The story will be written from various points of view.**

 **Enjoy :)**

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CPOV

As the drop ship landed roughly on the ground, I couldn't help but wonder about the earth. If it would be as amazing as I thought it would be, or even more so. The perfect vision of the earth is what kept me from cringing at the extreme pain that took over my body. None of it mattered.

A quick glance to my right resulted in rage and fury welling up inside me. The person that inflicted those feelings was wells. He was my ex, and the person who got my father killed. They weren't unrelated, of course.

People started to come to their senses, and they wanted to open the door. One of them actually reached for it.

"Wait," I said as I unbuckled and got up from my chair. I walked over to him, so that I'd face both him, and everyone else who was watching. "The air could be toxic."

"If the air is toxic we're all gonna dead anyway." He said and pushed the door open. He wasn't wrong per se but his logic bothered me. We can't afford to be careless. We can't take anything for granted. The fresh air pulled me out of my head and into the real world.

It was beautiful. No picture that they've shown us on the ark could've captured it's beauty. It's essence. Everyone poured out of the drop ship and into the outdoors. I let myself be awed for a couple of seconds. But then it was over, and my rational mind took over again.

I couldn't help but notice that when that guy, whose name was Bellamy, I later recalled, opened the door, it wasn't for himself, but for his sister. Even as we got out his eyes were on her, both worrying and admiring. God, I wanted a brother.

"We need to build a camp," I said. There are things that we had to do to survive and someone had to take responsibility. "We need to find water and food." People were starting to gather around me, no doubt willing to work with me to build a camp. Until Bellamy talked, that is.

"Or," he said, annoyingly confident, "we can just do whatever the hell we want." People started cheering him. Cheering.

"What do you mean whatever the hell we want?!" I asked, legitimately outraged. Of course people would follow that. It's what they wanted. But how was he supposed to take care of them? "Our supplies won't last for all of us for more than a week."

"Let's make it simple then, princess," he said that to me, and then turned to everyone else. "We'll split the supplies, and you can each choose who's camp you want. You can go ahead and look for water. We're staying right here, and we're staring a fire, and we're gonna enjoy our first day of true freedom." People cheered again, only this time it sounded like a roar. At that point I decided that he was insane. Nothing else could explain that behavior. But he was charismatic, so people followed.

I walked away from his group and found a quiet place to talk to mine. We split into groups, each responsible for another necessity. Water, food, shelter.

We managed quiet well, and time flew by. We found a river, and dug a slim path for the water to flow to our camp. We created nets to catch fish and baskets to carry fruits from the trees. We made plans to build cabins once we had enough logs, and already started collecting them. Things were going all. So well, in fact, that we all took a break at evening, and just sat down and relaxed.

I sat with my back to a tree, and was filled with satisfaction over what we had achieved in one day. That great feeling was ruined when Wells came up to me.

"Don't," I said, before he could say anything else. "I'm not in the mood."

"When are you going to talk to me?" If I didn't know any better I would've seen the pain in his eyes. As it was, my fury blinded me to anything but the fact that he's the reason I was never going to see my father again.

I answered him with a glare. He was about to continue but, luckily, Finn came. "Back off wells. She doesn't wanna talk to you."

"This is none of your business." The rise in testosterone around them was almost palpable. I didn't not have the energy for a macho fight right then.

"No, but it's mine. Please leave me alone Wells, I don't know what else to do to make you do that." My voice conveyed just how exasperated I felt. He must've picked up on that, because he left with a frown.

Finn sat next to me with a satisfied look on his face. I didn't have the energy to be bothered by that.

"Is he bugging you?"

"I can handle him, but thanks." I was not thankful.

"What did he even do to make you so angry?"

"I don't wanna talk about it," I said, and meant it.

"Okay, let's talk about something else. How are you holding up? With the weight of humanity on your shoulders and all.."

I chuckled at that. "Terrified." I said and looked at him. The amount of affection I saw in them seemed infinite. It's unbelievable that it happened in this one day. He's known me on the ark but has never looked at me like that.

He brushed hair away from my face and then left his hand near my face, gently tracing the line of my cheek. "I've never seen anyone do what you did. I've never seen anyone as smart, and positive, and caring and just... if anyone can do that, it's you. I have complete faith in you." He paused for a few moments, and when he saw that I didn't answer he continued "I must sound like an idiot, thinking all that after one day. But I HAS been one heck of a day."

I laughed softly, and genuinely, but was still speechless. "I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything," He said, and kissed me. It was just like in the movies. He seemed almost as surprised as I was. I felt so exhausted, and alone, that his touch comforted me in ways I never knew I needed. I let myself drown in that moment, taking in every ounce of affection he conveyed.

We kissed for a few moments, and then he pulled away. A smile slowly showed on his face, that turned from pure happiness to adoration and empathy. "Are you tired?"

It was then I realized my eyes were half closed. "Very."

"Come on," he said as he leaned back against the trunk of the tree and gestured for me to come closer to him. "You deserve a good night's sleep." Then, guessing my thoughts, he added "they'll be fine. I'm sure they can find a place to sleep."

His warmth against the chill of the night seemed like a blessing, and I happily snuggled against him. I guess it really was one heck of a day. I fell asleep instantly, but not before sparing one thought to Bellamy, and how his camp was doing. I'd deal with the tomorrow, I decided, and dozed off.

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 **So this is the first chapter of the story... Hope you liked it :)**

 **I'll try to upload a new chapter once a week.**

 **I'd love to hear what you think of the story, both good and bad reviews would be appreciated :D**

 **P.S.**

 **I know it might seem like it, but this is NOT a flarke story. I'm just preparing the ground for the next chapters.**

 ***If you decided not to follow please look at chapter 8 "A Question For You, The Readers", it would really help me a lot :)**


	2. Just Listen

BPOV

It's been a few days since we landed. Clarke's camp has been doing great, and I couldn't help but be a little jealous. But what could I do? I had to get them to get their wrist bands off and that was the only way. I had to influence as many people as I could. Our camp had just run out of food, and I used my gun to hunt a deer. It wasn't as hard as everyone made it out to be. Their survival genes must've been fucked up without enemies to run from.

That evening we started a big fire and cooked the deer. That, I had to admit, was pretty awesome. I knew that Clarke was the better leader, but maybe I wasn't bad either. Maybe. My true motives reminded me of the difference between us. A few minutes after we started cooking, Clarke came. She just marched in, with her face serious, and her golden hair shining in the light of the fire. It took me a few moments to realize that her wrath was aimed at me.

"Is that meat? Did you go hunting?"

"Yeah," I said, not understating the problem. "You got a problem?"

"This could attract predators," she said. Of course. Only she would think of something like that.

"We're humans, princess. We are the predators." I could see on her face that she thought exactly what she did when we opened the drop ship's door. She knew I was wrong, but she couldn't logically prove it. I loved seeing her trying to think of something smart to say. When she couldn't come up with anything, she just stormed off.

"You can have some too, you know," I said. And without thinking, I repeated what I said to everyone else. Boy, was that a mistake. "All you have to do is give me your wrist band."

"What?!" She asked, practically yelling. "Is this what you've been doing all this time?!" She looked around and saw that many people who ate didn't have their wrist bands on. She was infuriated. And rightfully so. She turned to them and started talking. Of course, everyone listened. "You can't take these off!" She said. "That's how the ark knows we're alive. If they think we're dead they won't come down here."

"So?" I said, equally enthusiastic. I had to convince them. "We don't need them!"

"Of course we do! We're just a bunch of kids! We can't survive here on our own."

"I don't know about you, but we've been doing pretty well so far. We can survive on our own just fine!" This got me a roar of support. It sounded more angry towards the ark than supportive towards me.

"Okay, fine," she said, changing tactics. Of course she would. It was the smart thing to do. "What about things we can't make? Clothes, medicine? Do you want to live like this," she gestured around us, to the half Built camp and the raging fire, "For the rest of your lives?" She paused, letting what she said settle in, and then continued. "Besides, there's a leak of oxygen on the ark. They sent us down her to see if the earth was survivable again. If they think it's not, they're gonna kill more people so the ark could survive. So by doing this, you're not just killing us. You're killing them! Your parents, your friends! And us? As the human race? You're killing our doctors, our farmers, our engineers! You're taking us back centuries! And all for what?"

As much as I respected her speech abilities, I was not about to let her ruin my plans. "Come on Clarke! They're gonna put us all in jail, and you know that! Of course, they won't put you away, so why should you care?" It was a low blow, and we all knew it, but it won them over. Realizing it, she turned to me instead of them, and talked more quietly. Again, surprising me with her quick thinking.

"Why are you doing this?" She asked. "He's gonna pardon them all, and you know that." She wasn't even angry. She just wanted an explanation.

"Them? Maybe. But me? They guy who shot him? No way." I paused, for the dramatic effect, and then continued. "I just wanna live Clarke. Can't you understand that?"

"You killed the chancellor?"

"I needed to do that to get on the drop ship. I couldn't let Octavia come down here alone." I've never explained this to anyone. I've never thought some stuck up, spoiled, infuriatingly smart princess would be the one to hear it.

Again, she was speechless. After a long silence, or what seemed like one to me, she spoke. "You're sentencing all of us to die."

"And you're sentencing me to die." She realized I was a lost cause. I saw it on her face. She decided to try logically.

"You'll never get my wrist band off, and as long as one of us is alive, they'll know the earth isn't toxic and come."

"I'm sure you can be persuaded" I said, with what I hoped was a charming smile.

She did not see it that way. She came closer to me until we were inches apart, and looked at me with those piercing eyes of hers. "The only way the ark is gonna think I'm dead, is if I'm dead. Got it?"

I had nothing to say to that, and she didn't want to listen. She stormed off, her puppy following, and I realized what just happened. My plan was going to fail. I had to think of something else.

I spent the next few days working on that. Besides cutting off her hand, I couldn't think of anything. The thing was waterproof and she kept it very close. Besides, Clarke is not someone I wanted to have as an enemy. On top of that, our supplies were running out, and I couldn't hunt enough game for everyone. On Clarke's camp, everything was going great. They had enough food for a month. I looked at Octavia, slowly eating the small piece of meat that was allowed to each person. She tries to make it last. It was obvious she was hungry. I decided it was time to make a change, and went to Clarke's camp.

I found her helping someone with a bruised arm. of course she'd be our doctor. As I walked her way she finished with her patient, and Finn came over, kissing her in a way that was not appropriate for an infirmary. Or anywhere public. I mentally rolled my eyes. This seemed so surreal. Like a race horse dating a donkey. I was very glad to interrupt, and surprisingly, she seemed so too.

"Can we talk?" I asked. When Finn didn't seem to be leaving I added "alone?"

She nodded and we walked aside. "Ran out of food?"

I chuckled. "Yeah. But that's not what I came to talk to you about. Well, it's part of it." I took a deep breath before continuing. Admitting defeat was not something I did often. "I wanna join your camp." Her response came as a surprised look, so I elaborated. "You're better at this, we both know that. And I think we should work together."

She was caught completely off guard. That felt great. "Umm, sure. Of course. Bring them over." she said, still a little stunned.

"Good." I said and smiled at her. "But I just have one condition." Her surprise turned into the familiar exasperation that she always displayed around me.

"You come here asking for help, and you have conditions?"

"Come on Clarke. These people do what I say, and you won't let them starve to death. You'll do whatever it takes to make sure they're okay, even if that means negotiating with me."

That one didn't fool her.

"This is absurd." she said, and turned to walk away.

I grabbed her hand, stopped her and said "Just listen." she stayed where she was, which I took as a good sign, so I continued. "I need you to get them to pardon me when they come down."

Her face softened as she answered. "I can't promise you that Bellamy.. I don't have that kind of power. I can promise to try, but.."

"That's not good enough."

"Listen. I know why you're here. I know why you do everything you do. She may not see it, but I do. I can see it in the way you let her be the first to walk to the earth, and how you worry that she hasn't eaten meat in a day when you haven't eaten in three. You're here for your sister. So I can promise you that if anything happens to you, I'll make sure she's safe."

I did not see this coming. How could my rival leader, the person who's been upset with me through all of our conversations, know me this well? She saw things that even I didn't and she knew exactly how I felt. She understood. No one ever has. Not even Octavia. I trusted her with Octavia's life, so I reached for a hand shake, and she shook it with that smile of hers, that said that she had no idea how I made it this far.

I got everyone else to move to her camp and stopped asking for the wrist bands. The atmosphere in her camp was great. Everyone was happily working, and she most of all. I tried to talk to her and see how I can take some of the pressure off but whenever she had a minute, she spent it with Finn. That disgusted me. They were together for two weeks, and he was acting as if he were in love with her his whole life. Pathetic. I thought that maybe he manipulated her, to get something from her. That thought infuriated me, and I had to convince myself that she was smart enough to not be manipulated. So, with nothing better to do, I sat by our never-ending fire, and thought about my next move.

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 **This is the second chapter of the story... Hope you liked it :D**

 **I know that the past 2 chapters were a little slow, and didn't seem to have much going on, but you'll see the importance of that as the story progresses.  
The chapters will also become longer and more intense. So just bare with me okay? :)**

 **I'd love to hear your opinion about the story so far, so please feel free to write whatever the hell you want ;)**


	3. A Little Trip

**In this chapter, I tried to write about a scene in the show, in which I think we all wanted to know what was going through their minds. I chose Clarke, even though Bellamy's thoughts would've been pretty interesting too. I'm leaving that part to your imagination ;)**

 **Enjoy :D**

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CPOV

I was getting ready for a little trip when Bellamy finally talked to me, for the first time since he'd joined my camp. I figured he'd want to be more involved, since he was a leader himself, but I guess he didn't really care at all. The only things he cared about were laying in his tent half naked. Oh, and there was also his sister.

"Where are you going?" He asked. I couldn't decide if it was worry or suspicion I saw on his face.

"When I was gathering fruit yesterday, I saw something really weird. It was like a handle. Definitely man made. I wanna go back there and check it out."

"Can I join you?"

Bellamy? Offering to join me? Has the world gone mad? And was he not aware of the word "may"? "Sure. Just try not to incite the plants against me, okay? I know you have a knack for it." We started walking.

"Hey, I never said anything about you, princess. Only your parents. And the way you run your camp."

"What about the way I run my camp?" I asked, almost offended.

"Well, as successful as it is, It's definitely less fun than mine was."

"Yeah, that's why you ran out of food, and everyone froze at night. But at least you had fun, right?"

"I'm just saying, we could make this camp fun and productive."

"Go ahead. I'm officially making you the minister of fun. Knock yourself out."

He laughed softly, differently than I remembered. His laugh was always cynical and cold. Sometimes desperate. This time it seemed genuine. There was something almost charming about it. I wished he'd do it more.

When we got to the handle, we saw that it opened an underground door, which it took both of us to open. He gallantly offered to go down first, and wouldn't take no for an answer. I didn't understand that, because being a gentleman only goes so far, but at last I gave up and let him take the lead. What we found inside was amazing. Apparently, it was some kind of bunker. There were blankets inside, and canned food. We decided to take all of it in a big sack we found there. Before we left, Bellamy found something else.

"Look," he said, as he opened a crate and took out a rifle. "Let's come back for these."

"Are you insane?" I always felt like a mother around him. "We can't bring these to camp. Right now, you and I have the power. But if we get these... There will be anarchy. We won't be able to control them and who knows what they'll do."

"Okay fine, I won't bring them back to camp. But I will come here and get them next time I go hunting."

"Can you teach me? I wanna hunt too."

"Sure." He said. He grabbed another rifle and gave it to me. I held it, and he started laughing. It was that sweet laugh again. Maybe I could've enjoyed it if I hadn't been so bothered by the fact that I was doing something wrong. He turned the rifle upside down and handed it to me again. He stopped laughing and started to explain how to hold the rifle correctly. When I didn't quite get it, he had to show me. He stood behind me, both his hands covering mine, and both his arms wrapped around mine. It was very hard to concentrate when I was aware of every inch of his skin against mine. His breath in my ear made it that much harder to listen to what he was actually saying. I felt guilty, because it's been a long time since I've felt this excited by someone. But it was Bellamy, so I've written it off as nothing. It was probably just tiredness, or maybe the satisfaction of leading a successful camp. There was no way that someone like Bellamy could make my heart skip a beat like that. No chance in hell.

Before I realized what was going on, he let go, and I was left with a rifle in my hands and no idea what to do with it.

"Remind me again, what do I do?" He explained it again, and this time I actually listened. I was aiming at a makeshift target we made, and without thinking, I pulled the trigger. I wasn't even close, which brought Bellamy close to me again. He lifted the rifle a little bit, getting dangerously close to me to try to see through my eyes. I wondered if it had the same effect on him as it did on me. The next time I shot was a little bit better, and after a few times, I started to get the hang of it.

We returned to camp, and I was almost sorry that our little trip was over. I'd never admit it to him, but I actually had a good time. Maybe he wasn't the hot headed, self serving, jerk I thought he was. As the camp came into view, I saw Octavia sitting comfortably in some guy's lap. Bellamy saw that and, ever loyal to his big brother role, crashed their date and scared the hell out of the poor guy. Wells tried to apologize again, but I told him, as always, that I didn't want to talk to him.

As soon as I saw Finn I gave him a long, urgent kiss. I still felt a little guilty over what happened in the bunker, even though I didn't really do anything wrong. And yet, as hard as I tried, I didn't feel the same with Finn. I decided not to dwell on it. A logical explanation would come to me, one way or another.

OPOV

Clarke and Finn were the perfect couple, everyone thought so. They were always together. She always came to him for comfort and he always looked like he's living his dream. He was always so protective of her, it was so sweet. And she seemed pretty happy with him too. Wells always seemed pretty depressed, which was understandable, considering. I wanted what they had so badly. I wished Bellamy would stop ruining things for me! I've never actually felt anything towards any of these guys, but I thought I deserved to have a little fun. Either way, it didn't matter. Bellamy never let anyone near me, feelings or no feelings. But, as I was saying, Clarke seemed to have the perfect relationship. That's what I thought until the rumor had spread it's way across camp and to me. No one would ever say so to her, but apparently he had a girlfriend on the ark. Once I heard that, I definitely didn't envy her. I pitied her. I felt so sorry that Finn had done that to her. And I hated the way everyone looked, and gossiped. I knew that I'd never want to be in her situation.

So, I took it upon myself to tell her about it. The next time she went gathering I asked to join her. She happily agreed, but I could see on her face that she thought it was weird. And why wouldn't she? We've never even talked before. That actually got me thinking. I didn't know her at all, why was I doing it? The answer to that was Bellamy. I saw on him that he cared about her. I didn't think it was anything romantic, but he respected her. Not many people could intrigue him the way she did. Mostly he just cared about me.

Speaking of Bellamy, when he heard that I was leaving camp, he wanted to join us. Apparently, I was still a three year old baby who couldn't take care of herself. It took a lot of convincing, but he finally agreed to let us go alone. Clarke and I started walking and she was actually pretty nice. It only made the next part so much harder.

"Clarke, there's something I have to tell you, and it's not gonna be easy."

She stopped walking and looked straight at me. There was no fear in her eyes. Whatever it was, she was ready to face it. "Finn has a girlfriend on the ark. Her name is Raven."

The change in her face was so sudden. The determined expression I saw before turned into an embarrassed, sad one. "I'm so sorry Clarke."

"I can't believe I was so stupid," she said, and then she seemed to have come to her senses. Besides the tears welling up in her eyes. "Is it okay if we go back to camp?"

"Go ahead. I wanna stay here for a while." I had a rare opportunity to just be free, and look at the trees and the sky, without Bellamy watching my every step. I loved my brother very much, but sometimes I felt he was too protective. I needed some air. I assured Clarke it was okay to leave me alone, and then continued on my way.

The earth was so beautiful. For the first time since we landed, I let myself truly explore nature. I stopped to smell the flowers, look at butterflies, and listen to the wind brushing against the leaves. I listened so well, in fact, that I heard some dry leafs crunching on the ground around me. I turned around, and looked at my surroundings. At first, I saw nothing, but then I saw something hiding behind a bush. I walked towards it, letting my curiosity get the better of me. As I got closer, that something realized I was onto it and jumped in front of me. It was the last think I expected to find there. Never in my wildest dreams have I thought that there'd be humans on earth when we came.

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 **This was the third chapter of the story, I hope you liked it :)**

 **Please review, I really want to hear what you have to say, whether it's good or bad.**


	4. Fury

**I had some free time this week so I decided to upload a bonus chapter!**

 **Enjoy :D**

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OPOV

Never in my wildest dreams have I thought that there'd be humans on the earth when we came. But there were, and one of them was now looking at me with what looked like both suspicion and awe.

We both stood there, observing each other. He was tall and tan, and had some sort of paint on his face. His clothes seemed bizarre and primitive, almost like a caveman. I didn't know if I should fear him or not. I realized he must be as shocked as I was. I must've looked bizarre to him too. I wondered if he found me as hot as I did him.

I held out my hand to him. "Octavia," I said.

"Lincoln," he said, as he looked strangely at my hand. Maybe they didn't know the custom of hand shaking.

I withdrew my hand and smiled to him. He smiled back. He seemed pretty harmless.

"Where did you come from?" He asked.

Well, that was a surprise. He knew English. I was too stunned to think about whether it was smart to reveal where I came from. I just did. "I came from a spaceship. We landed a few days ago."

"I know," He said. "We all heard the crash. The earth shook."

I tried to think this through. We have been in space for 97 years. Humans have not been created again. Evolution took millions of years, and even then, the odds of another human species to be created were infinitely small. His people had survived the bombs. We were in America, geographically, so my guess was that the people who survived spoke English, and these people, whom I called "Grounders", spoke English too.

Three people suddenly jumped from behind the trees. I was so focused on him that I didn't think to look for others. These guys looked pretty much the same, and yet completely different. They wore the same clothes, and had the same colors on their faces, but their eyes weren't as warm as his was.

"Come on," One of them said "We need to go get her to the queen."

"No!" Lincoln said. "She sent us here too learn about them, not kidnap them."

"Screw that," A third one said. "One chat with me and this one will tell us all she knows." The look on his face displayed everything he wanted to do and that scared the hell out of me. They weren't harmless. They were combative and dangerous. Or at least, most of them were.

"We are not kidnapping a little girl!" Lincoln said, authoritative and outraged.

"We're doing this with or without you," The first one said, and grabbed my arm. He didn't expect me to put up a fight. I kicked him in the stomach and punched him in the nose with my free arm. Little girl my ass. "You little bitch," He murmured as he stuck the knife in my leg.

The pain was indescribable. I've never felt anything like that. I screamed, and felt tears starting to run down my cheeks. Maybe I was a little girl. I tried to escape but the pain was overwhelming. I fell on the ground, and felt the second grounder lift me off the ground. Lincoln pulled him away from me, and a fight broke out between him, and the rest of them. He fought against three of them, and was only one. I had to help him somehow. I took the knife that was plunged deep into my thigh, and pulled it out. The pain grew even stronger, but the adrenaline was starting to kick in. Also, I knew I had to act, or I might die right there and then. I waited for one of them to get close to me, and stabbed him in the stomach. He fell, and I saw the other two laying on the floor. Lincoln went to the one I had stabbed and finished the job. He had won. He walked towards me and I cringed and moved aside. My leg gave in and I fell again. He took another step in my direction and I moved away from him, using every ounce of strength my arms held.

"I'm not gonna hurt you," He said. His voice was calming, and reassuring, but one of his kind had just attacked me.  
This could be a trap. But then again, he killed three of his own men to protect me. My body and voice were shaking, and I wouldn't take my eyes off him. "Why should I trust you?"

"Because I'd rather risk facing death penalty for treason than kill you." That made sense. It was getting harder to think by the second, and my head was starting to spin. The pain from my leg was excruciating. He lifted me up, carrying me in his arms, and I let him. He already knew where the camp was. These guys must've been watching our every move ever since we got here.

"Why does your queen want one of us?" I knew that it was for information but I didn't understand it. Why torture when you can make peace?

"My queen wants to make sure that our people are safe. She never told us to kidnap one of you. These guys were extremists. They don't like anyone who's different than them."

"We are no threat to your people."

"I know," He said. There was so much wisdom in his voice, I wondered how old he was to have gained it. "But not everyone does."

"How do you know?"

"Because you're humans, just like us."

The rest of the way to our camp was spent in silence, partially because it became hard to speak. When the camp came into view I said: "You can put me down here. If they see you, and me like this, they might think you did this and attack. Go back to your... wherever you live, and make sure they don't think you betrayed them."

He let me down, and I saw, for half a second, an amused smile on his face. It turned into guilt as he saw that I was having trouble standing. "I'm sorry," he said as he steadied me. "We're not all like that."

"I know," I said, and gave him one last, pain filled smile. I doubted I'd ever see him again. The rest of the walk to camp was agonizing, but after long minutes, I finally made it.

BPOV

When Clarke and Octavia said they were going out alone, it took every bit of self control I had not to follow them. What if a dangerous animal came? What if Octavia got hurt? But I've already decided that I trusted Clarke, and now, that I've given up on the idea of freedom once the ark came down, I had to get used to being away from her. I'd have to run away from camp. That thought terrified me and I pushed it away for when it'll be relevant.

Time somehow passed, and I saw Clarke coming from the forest. At first I was relieved, and walked over to her. As I got closer I saw she was crying. I ran over and when I reached her I immediately asked "what happened?"

"Nothing," she said, and tried to keep going.

I stood in her way. "Tell me."

She moved aside and tried to keep going, but I held her arm and pulled her back to stand in front of me. "Clarke, tell me what wrong!" I wasn't yelling but my voice must've conveyed some urgency because she gave in.

"Finn has a girlfriend on the ark."

I got so mad. Seeing her like that? And knowing that he made her feel this way? Who did he think he was?! I was furious. And seeing a single tear go down her cheek made me even more so. He was sitting on the ground with his friends. I marched right up to him, lifted him up from his collar and pinned him against a tree. I heard Clarke telling me to stop, but that was useless. No one hurts someone as amazing and her and gets away with it. "I'm gonna make you regret this, you son of a bitch," I said. I didn't know what that came from. I couldn't think straight, this was all so damn ridiculous. I punched his nose. He stumbled back, and then came to his senses

"What the hell man?" He said as he tried to push me, but he couldn't. I was older than them, and it really wasn't a fair fight, but I didn't give a crap about that at that moment. He looked behind me and saw Clarke crying. "What happened?" He said, and if I didn't know better I would've thought he worried about her. He tried approaching her but I stood in his way. He tried going past me, but again, he failed. Wells came around too. At first he was happy, which was understandable, but then he saw Clarke and his face went dark. He wasn't as angry as me, but I could see on his face that all he wanted at that moment was for her to be okay. All I wanted was to make Finn suffer.

"I know about Raven," She said softly. She made it sound as if it were nothing, but I heard her voice breaking. I heard how hard admitting this was to her, especially in front of everyone.

Finn tried yet again to go to her, but I held him in place. I knew she didn't want him anywhere near her. "Clarke, please just let me explain…" Without looking I knew that she had left. This was beneath her.

As she was out of ear shot I said "How dare you? You were given a chance to be with someone like Clarke and you cheat? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Bellamy!" Clarke's voice made me turn around and see her. I was a little afraid of the urgency in her voice, and what I saw made fear fill each and every part in my body. Leaning on Clarke was Octavia, with blood dripping over her leg. She had such a hard time walking, Clarke practically had to carry her. I ran over there took Octavia in my arms. "Take her to the infirmary," Clarke said, and I obeyed. I sat her down on the makeshift table we had, And Clarke started cutting a blanket we found in the bunker into bandages. She used the Vodka we found there as a disinfectant and put it to Octavia's skin. She screamed. I held her hand, and wiped tears away from her face. "How did this happen?" I asked. My voice trembled with the thought of something happening to her. If it did, everything would've been for nothing.

"Grounders," She said. Clarke recovered quickly from the shock and kept on treating her. It took me a little while longer, but I finally connected the dots. I mentally beat myself for not giving enough thought to the fact that Clarke came back alone. She left Octavia alone. How could I have let my rage over Finn make me forget about Octavia? I was the worst brother. But it was never going to happen again.

"How could you leave her alone?!" that was directed at Clarke. My fury must've shown on my face because she looked up at me and cringed.

"She said it was okay... I didn't think anything would happen…" She wanted to continue but I cut her off.

"She said it was okay?! She's a little girl what does she know?! I trusted you!" I heard Octavia yelling at me to stop and that it wasn't Clarke's fault, but again, it went right over my head. Because of Clarke, my little sister could've died. "This is your fault Clarke! This is on you! I'm never trusting you again with anything!" That one seemed to hurt her, but I was too distracted by my own terror to notice hers. She finished bandaging Octavia, and looked up at me.

I've never seen coldness so piercing and emotionless as I did in her eyes in that moment. "Make sure she stays put. You don't want to put any pressure on the leg. She's lucky, it didn't cut through the muscle. She needs to rest for a few days, and then she can walk. Make sure she drinks and sleeps." She left without another word.

I looked at Octavia and saw her shocked face. "What the hell, Bellamy?" She asked. "This was not her fault. She insisted on staying with me but I told her to go back."

"I don't care," I said and hugged her. I was so relieved that she was going to be okay. As I calmed down I realized I may have overreacted. But it didn't even matter. All that mattered was Octavia.

She pushed me back lightly, so that I'd look at her. "That was wrong, Bellamy. You need to apologize."

I laughed at that. But she was dead serious. "Why does this matter so much to you?"

"Because," She started, and I could already see how much this means to her. She had the wrinkle between her eyebrows when she talked about something serious. "First of all, she just helped me. Second, it really was my fault and I don't want her to feel guilty for something that was my fault, and we both know she will. And third, and most importantly," she paused, probably to think about how to phrase the next part. "I know how much you care about her. And I don't want you to ruin that over something like this."

It warmed my heart that she'd think of something like that, but she was way off. "I don't care about her. I need her to make sure you're okay." Did I care about her? Nah. I couldn't. She was a spoiled princess, who was, apparently, completely irresponsible and untrustworthy.

"Is that why you almost killed Finn when I came?"

"That's ridiculous," I said. I did that to Finn because what he did was wrong. I didn't think that it being Clarke played any role in it, and I said so to Octavia. She disagreed. We settled for me going over and apologizing to Clarke, and her resting until instructed otherwise. I didn't mind apologizing if it meant Octavia would do what she needs to do to get better.

As I was walking across camp looking for Clarke, I thought about the situation we were in, and reality hit me like a brick in the face. This was real. We were at war. I gathered everyone up and told them what happened. We immediately started collecting wood to build a wall, and I suddenly remembered the rifles that we left at the bunker. I had to go get them. I went back to the infirmary, where I left my gun when I brought Octavia in, but it wasn't there. Octavia said she didn't know where it was either.

Suddenly, it all added up. Clarke must've already thought about the rifles, took my gun, and went to get them. Idiot! She didn't know how to use a gun. It was different than a rifle and she sucked at that too. I couldn't explain to myself why I was so scared all of the sudden. It was just Clarke. Regardless, I went after her. I didn't even think about letting anyone else know. I was just focused on one thing: Finding Clarke before they do.

I started running towards the bunker, and I saw exactly what I was afraid of. She was standing, gun on the ground, surrounded by grounders. One of them was behind her, holding a knife to her throat, and the others surrounded them, holding machetes, spears, and other weapons of the sort. A sack, with what I could only assume was the rifles, sat on the floor behind them. They didn't even seem to notice it. I hid behind a tree and tried to think about what to do next.

* * *

 **So this was the forth chapter.. What do you think?**


	5. I Killed Someone

BPOV

The grounder with the knife to Clarke's throat spoke. I saw and heard them loud and clear from my hiding place behind a tree. "Tell us where they are!"

"I swear I don't know what you're talking about, we don't have any of your people..-" She stopped because he pressed the knife on her throat, threatening to rip the soft skin and cut into all the veins, leaving her to bleed to death.

"Stop lying!" He screamed. "Where are they?!"

"Don't you think if I knew I would've told you by now?!" She started crying again. It wasn't the sobbing and whimpering that most girls often did. She was terrified. The tears streamed down her cheeks but she still thought rationally and tried as best as she could to use logic to get her out of that situation. The same rage that I felt before came back and I felt it flooding me like a dam bursting open. I had to do something. A ghost of a plan started to form in my head and I had no time to think it through.

"Just kill her and be done with it," Said another one. "We'll get someone who knows." The one holding Clarke was about to cut her throat just as I jumped out of trees.

"Stop!" I said, and all eyes were on me. "I know where they are, and I'll tell you if you let her go." I didn't have a clue about any grounders we had. In fact I was pretty sure we had none. But I had to stop them from killing her. Worst case scenario, they take me prisoner and try to torture it out of me. Maybe then I'd have some time to think about why I'd risk that for Clarke. Why would I risk anything for her? For now I assumed it was because if anything happened to me, she'd be there for Octavia. It was a good explanation.

They looked at each other for a couple of moments, and then the guy who had her practically pushed her towards me. I caught her, putting one hand on her arm, to keep her standing, and one on her cheek. "Are you okay?" I asked as I looked for injuries myself.

"Fine," she said and nodded, still a little bit shocked.

I let her go and walked to the grounders. I started leading them in the opposite direction of where the camp was, and prayed to god that Clarke understood my plan. The sound of a rifle cocking said she did. We all turned around, and she said "Let him go, now."

The one thing that we both didn't think of, was that the grounders didn't even know what that was. They just turned around and kept walking. They probably thought it was just a stick made of metal or something. They started taking me with them, and suddenly captivity seemed more realistic than not. Then the unbelievable happened. She pulled the trigger. Surprisingly, she hit the guy holding me. I sprinted to her, taking the rifle from her and aiming at them. But there was no need. They were so shocked that they just took their guy and ran.

I looked at her, and she seemed... Bad. Real bad. She was sweating and shaking, and fear and terror radiated from every part of her. I put down the rifle and turned to her, and she just looked at me, eyes dancing in the soft light of the twilight.

"I killed him" she said while looking around us frantically, not believing her own words. "I killed a man. I ended a life. I.." She stopped and looked up at me again, waiting for me to give her answers. I had none. I couldn't think of anything to say. I took the bag of rifles from the floor and we walked back to camp.

CPOV

I killed someone. I couldn't believe it. How could I end someone's life? I was a doctor, I was supposed to heal people, not kill them. These thoughts swirled around in my head endlessly, until there wasn't any room for anything else. I didn't know when we had reached camp. I didn't know how much time had passed. I sat on the ground, a blanket over my shoulders, and Bellamy sat besides me, completely at a loss. There was nothing he could do to help me, and he knew it.

"I'm sorry Clarke," He said, no doubt because he had nothing better to say.

"It's not your fault. It's mine. I was stupid enough to go to the bunker."

"It was a good idea," He said, another futile attempt at comforting me.

Then Wells showed up, and despite myself, I didn't tell him to go away. I didn't scowl at him. I just looked at him, eyes wet with tears, hoping he could grant me some sort of relief.

"What happened?" He asked. I guess expecting him to read my mind was a little far fetched.

"I shot someone," I said. "To save Bellamy I... I killed someone." He automatically put his arm around me and stroked my arm softly. And I let him. There was something so familiar about his touch, and it gave me so much comfort. From the corner of my eyes I saw Bellamy flinching.

"I'm sure there was nothing else that you could do. They made you do that. You're not a murderer." Of course Wells knew exactly what I was thinking. He knew me so well.

"Aren't I? Maybe I should've... I don't know.."

"Let them kill Bellamy? You did exactly what you should've done. What any of us would want to be brave enough to do. It's their fault for trying to kill him in the first place." They didn't. They tried to kidnap me, not him. He jumped in and saved me. Regardless, Wells did manage to comfort me. He was right. It wasn't my fault. I was far from feeling okay but the situation wasn't as overwhelming as it was a few minutes ago.

"I don't get it," I said. I had to make sense of things, especially now. How could someone this close to me hurt me in the most horrible way possible? I looked straight into Wells' eyes, trying to see into his soul. "You know exactly what to say to make me feel better. You know me. You loved me. How could you take away one of the people that I loved most in this world?" Again, he had that look that he always had when I asked for an explanation. He was completely lost. He didn't know what to say. I continued. "It was hard enough for me to kill an enemy who just threatened to kill my friend. How could you kill the father of the person you loved? And don't tell me you didn't love me because I know you did." He did love me, I had no doubt about that.

"Of course I did," He said, and I could feel all my old feelings coming back to me. Love mixed with anger, hurt and disappointment.

"Then how could you?" I just wanted to know. I didn't need any more apologies. I didn't need him to make it up to me. I just needed a reason.

"I'm sorry," He said, for the millionth time. Nothing made sense. It had to have been Wells. The only other person who knew..  
Then, slowly, the dots stated to connect. And they created an awful picture. One that made me feel sick and brought tears to my eyes yet again.

"It wasn't you, was it? It was my mom... She was the one who told Jaha. And you let me hate you so that.. I wouldn't hate her.. That's what happened isn't it?"

At first he said nothing, and the suspense was killing me. Then he spoke. "I knew it'd be easier for you to hate me than her I... I did what I thought was best.."

"And you let me treat you like a fucking bitch all this time.. I'm sorry Wells, I'm so, so sorry..-"

"Hey," He said, and lifted my head up so I'd face him. "You have nothing to apologize for. Everything you did is exactly what I wanted you to, why I did all of that. You did nothing wrong Clarke." He hugged me, and I let him. For the first time in so long I haven't felt guilty for wanting to be around him, for craving his touch. I loved him so much, and I was finally able to let the infinite fight between my love for him and my dad end. The familiarity that comforted me before was now a thousand time stronger, and made me feel a thousand times better. He kissed the top of my head and held me tighter.

At that point Bellamy realized it was time for him to go. He just got up and left, and I hadn't had the chance to thank him for saving me. He was probably still mad at me because I left Octavia alone. And rightfully so.

Wells kissed me softly, in his own way that I knew so well. He always did that when he thought I might fall apart. As if I were fragile and he was afraid to break me. To be honest, I kind of was that way, and I allowed myself to be, just for a little while. In a few minutes I'd go back to taking care of everyone. But right then, I just needed someone to take care of me for a change.

Being with Wells again was great, and kissing him even more so. But I couldn't shake the feeling that something was still a little off. It wasn't like before. I convinced myself that everything that happened between us took its toll, and that in a few days everything would go back to normal. But as our kiss intensified and became more and more passionate, I found myself constantly pushing back thoughts that I didn't like at all. Thoughts about people other than Wells. Thoughts that had no room in my head, and could lead to nothing but trouble. Thoughts that I was determined to push down and never think of again. If only I had that much control.

BPOV

I couldn't get out of that room fast enough. At first I wanted to make sure Clarke was okay before I left, but then there didn't seem to be a point in that. Thinking about her and Wells didn't disgust me as much as her and Finn. At least he loved her. It wasn't some meaningless fling for him, even I could see that. Still, it bugged me. Probably for the same reason that I decided to jump in between her and a bunch of grounders. I refused to believe that. I was protecting Octavia, I kept telling myself. But that excuse lost its relevance a while ago.

Wanting anything else to occupy my mind, I told everyone what happened. We decided that the wall was our first priority, and everyone dropped what they were doing and started building it. I took as many people as I had rifles and taught them to shoot. We didn't have the time, nor the means for me to actually teach them, so I showed them the basics and prayed to god they wouldn't kill each other. We found a few strategic points along the wall and put sentries to protect them. We established a patrol system, and a way to alert everyone if a sentry saw something dangerous. A small group of people started to think of traps that we could set for them. Then I went to Octavia, and told her what happened. As I suspected, she did know what these grounders were talking about.

"They're probably talking about the ones who tried to take me."

"You never actually told me how you managed to escape three armed grounders who are stronger, faster, and know these woods better than you."

I saw her trying to think of a lie that would satisfy me. When she couldn't, she told the truth. "There was a forth one. He killed all of them, and brought me back to camp. He said he'd bury them and tell everyone they deserted the army. They must've known he was lying."

"Or he just wanted to start a war. Wait," I said, realizing what she had just told me. "You let a grounder take you here? You trusted him?"

"He saved my life!"

"He's a grounder! You can't trust them Octavia! You don't know anything about them!"

"They're human, just like us!"

I was outraged. We couldn't afford to try and humanize them. They tried to kidnap and kill us!

"Listen to me, O. They are dangerous. And if maybe, by chance, you found one of them that is good, it doesn't mean you can trust all of them. So you have to be careful okay?"

"I know that Bellamy."

"Do you also know that maybe that's their way of earning your trust? So you'd let them into our camp? Maybe this was all a ruse?"

"It can't be."

"Why?" I asked, challenging her naive beliefs.

"Because it can't! I just know Bellamy, okay?"

"No, Octavia. Not okay at all. Don't ever trust any of them again. And if I see one of them coming close to you, I will kill them." No one would hurt Octavia. No one. I didn't care if I had to kill a million grounders, just to keep her safe. Besides, I knew they can't be trusted. None of them. They almost killed Clarke, and there was no mercy in their eyes as they put that knife to her throat. The thought of that being Octavia made me shiver, and I had to force it out of my head. I'd do anything to protect her. Anything.

"I'm not a little girl anymore Bellamy! You can't tell me what to do! And you don't know them, not all of them!"

"You're not a little girl, but you're my sister, and you always will be. And I'll always protect you."

I saw her face softening, but she was still pissed at me. Frankly, the whole situation seemed absurd. All I told her was to stay away from our enemies, why was that such a bad thing?

A few days later, as I was entertaining some of the luckier girls in our camp, I heard a commotion outside, and went to see what was happening. I saw Clarke and Wells standing at the gate, and wondered what they were looking at. I saw a few grounders on horses marching towards us. Behind them, I saw what must've been a thousand of them. I signaled all the gunners to stand at their assigned posts. They stopped a safe distance from our camp.

"I wanna go talk to them," She said. "They're not here to fight." I could see how she got to that conclusion. They were armed but not at attacking positions, and at the grounder at the front seemed like an important one.

"I'll come with you," I said. What she didn't know was that if one of them so much as looked at her direction in a way I didn't like, they were all dead. One signal from me, and all the gunners would kill anyone who tried to hurt us. One look at Wells told me he did realize as much, and approved. We marched towards them. She was ready to talk about peace and I was ready for when it failed.


	6. Explosion

CPOV

The woman I saw before me was one of the most impressive people I've ever met. She was in her forties and she had a posture that said she was invincible, and a group of armed guards to second that. They were all on horses, which made them much taller and more intimidating than Bellamy and me. I saw him standing protectively behind me, and hoped to god that he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our already bad relationship with the grounders. They got off their horses, as a gesture of good will.

"My name is Lyanna" The queen said. What a beautiful name. "and I am the queen of our people. We call ourselves Trikru." She spoke with elegance and authoritativeness, that stood as a complete contrast to her tribal riding clothes, and her face paint, that looked more like war paint than make up.

"I'm Clarke, and this is Bellamy." All he offered was a slight nod, that was in no way respectful. "We come in peace."

"So do we," She said, but I had a feeling there was more to it than that. And she proved me right after a long pause. "and yet, I can't help but wonder how you claim to want peace when you've kidnapped three of our soldiers."

I was so glad that Bellamy let me do that talking. I had a feeling his reaction to this would not help matters. "Your soldiers tried to take one of our people. A young girl. And they said it was at your command."

"I gave no such orders. But if she was indeed just a little girl, how could she have overcome three of my well trained soldiers?"

I had no idea what to tell her. How had Octavia done that?

"She's resourceful," Bellamy said. He undoubtedly knew how she did it, and he wasn't planning on letting the queen know.

"Then maybe you're not as innocent as you claim to be."

"Having strength does not mean using it for bad purposes," I said, not liking the direction in which this was going. She was more manipulative than she wanted to let on, and I picked up on that. She was not someone to mess with. "We are not defenseless but we don't want a war."

She thought a moment before answering. "Yes, I've seen the results of your weapons. We've never seen anything like that."

"It's called technology," He said, again, not helping matters. "And these are even better than the ones you saw. Each bullet can kill a man, and these have hundreds, and they shoot much faster than a bow. Just think about that next time you wanna start a war."

"Bellamy!" I said, because I had to make them think it was outrageous. As a matter of fact, I thought intimidating them was a pretty good idea. "We will be more than happy to never use these."

"How can we know that you won't use these to attack us? How do we know that your intentions are as pure as you claim, Clarke of sky kru?" Truth be told, they couldn't.

"How can we know that about you?"

"Well, then, let's make sure that we both stand by our word. Send an ambassador to our grounds and we will send one to yours. We can maintain our truce that way, and have a small reassurance that neither side will attack knowing that the other has the ambassador." The hint in her words was not subtle. If we don't do this, there will be war. And she won't hesitate to kill our ambassador if we do send one and a war starts.

"I'll do it," I said. There was no other choice. I wasn't going to let them start a war, and I couldn't ask anyone else to do what I wouldn't do myself.

"No she won't," Bellamy said, coming to stand between them and me. Who did he think he was deciding that for me? I was willing to make that sacrifice. "No one is going to come with you. You'll just have to take our word for it." She wasn't not happy about that.

"Bellamy, why are you doing this? I said I'd do it."

"And then what? They tell us to give all our weapons or they kill you? You're leverage Clarke, and there's no way we're just gonna give them one." Lyanna started to talk but he cut her off, which must've seemed outrageous to her and her companions. "And sending someone else over to our camp won't change matters. Not if you planned this ahead. No deal," He said, determined and fierce. In spite of myself, I found that oddly attractive. Usually, I didn't like exaggerated displayed of testosterone in action. But the way in which he defended us moved something inside me. It was comforting to know that I wasn't facing all that alone. And the fact that he was standing alone in front of five armed grounders on horses, all to stop them from taking me, wasn't helping much. But there was no time for that.

"Okay then. It seems we have nothing to talk about." She said, and turned to mount her horse.

"Wait," I said and reached for her hand. I forgot for a moment that she was a queen.

One of her guards pulled back his arrow and aimed at me. Bellamy cocked his gun and aimed at him. Things were extremely explosive. One wrong move could set this all thing on fire, and start an all out war.

Bellamy was the one who broke the overwhelming silence. "Lower the bow. Now."

Her guard didn't seem to listen.

I spoke next. "Please, all I meant to say was that maybe we could find another way to trust each other, without ambassadors."

"I'm afraid we can't," she said.

Then, before I could argue further, we heard a boom. It sounded like the sky crashed. Everyone was shocked for a few moments. None of us knew what just happened. One of them decided to guess.

"They brought back up!" He said. "They're planning to attack!" That was pretty out there. And of course, completely ridiculous and not true.

Everything happened so fast. Everyone's eyes were on me. Bellamy shot the guard. His arrow released and scratched my arm. Bellamy pushed me to the floor. The gunners started shooting endlessly at the grounders. The noise was deafening. The queen mounted her horse, and commanded to retreat, not before telling one of her guards to take me with them.

At that point, I snapped back into reality. The gunners stopped shooting, so as not to hit us by accident. I fought the guard, doing whatever I can to stop him from taking me. So did Bellamy. At the end we did manage to break me free, and I jumped back, away from them. But then a few of them attacked Bellamy. They came at him from behind, knocking the rifle out of his hands, and restraining him. I tried to help him, but there was nothing I could do. The rifle was too far away and I was no match for one of these guards, let alone five. They took him, and I just ran after them, not knowing what to do. Bellamy kept telling me to go back, to let him go, but I couldn't. They put him on one of their horses, tied up and beaten, and rode away. I fell on my knees, facing the horrible reality that was now staring in my face. They took Bellamy. I got up to try and follow them, but strong arms wrapped around me and stopped me. It was Wells. I didn't hear what he said. My focus was on the horses that disappeared into the forest.

"It's going to be okay," Wells said. "We're gonna get him back." Of course. what was I thinking? I was about to return to camp and start working on a rescue mission, when I saw Octavia running out of the camp. I remembered my promise to Bellamy. I had to keep her safe. I went to talk to her, but she kept running from one grounder to another, looking at their faces and moving on to the next. Yep, there was definitely more to her encounter with the grounders than she let on. At last, when she finished checking all of them and seemed not to have found what she was looking for, she came back to me.

"Where's Bellamy?" She asked. How was I supposed to tell her that the grounders took him? My silence was an answer in and of itself. "No... No, this can't be.. Do something!"

"Of course," I said. "We're gonna save him."

She nodded enthusiastically and all three of us returned to camp. We decided that a small group of people would go check the explosion site and see what happened. Me, Wells, Octavia, and two more guys named Jasper and Monty were the ones who went to save Bellamy. Many more volunteered, but we didn't need an army. We needed a few people and a smart plan.

As we thought it through, I realized how terrified I was. I had to bring Bellamy back. I had no idea when it happened, or how, but at some point I started to care about the self-serving jackass. In fact, I cared so much that I actually wished I could be there instead of him. Oh, god. How could this have happened?! Seriously?! Bellamy?! The one who was willing to put us all at risk just to save his own ass? The who had a different girl in his tent each night? More than one, in most cases. The one who practically started a war with the grounders? When I thought about it, I realized he was the one who fired the first shot. It was his own fault that he was captured. That didn't make me feel any better, and I just wanted him to return.

We thought of a very simple plan, that had low chance of working and required a lot of luck. But we couldn't think of anything else, and every second we wasted was another in which Bellamy was suffering and getting closer and closer to death. If he wasn't already dead. We all took rifles, and clothes from the dead grounders that lay in front of our camp, and went on our mission. I hoped to god it would work.


	7. Whatever It Takes

BPOV

Lyanna. What an awful name. They said she wouldn't even be present at my execution. All of this was her damned fault. Her and her stupid guard. Clarke probably thought I started this war. But I saw that guard after the explosion. It was obvious he was going to kill her. I had to shoot him. Even sitting there, in that rotting, stinking cell, waiting to be executed, I had no regrets. Well, maybe I regretted not shooting all of them what I had the chance.

There was no point even denying it. I cared about Clarke way more than I should have. But that thought didn't scare me as much as I thought it would. Probably because I realized it could never happen. She's a spoiled princess who, inexplicably, took a 100 delinquents and probably set up he best camp humanity has ever seen. The one who always knew the smart thing to do, and always did the right thing to do. The one who was so damn beautiful that I actually felt a little sorry for anyone who isn't her. The one who promised to take care of Octavia when I was gone. Despite what I said to her, I did trust her, completely. But I knew there was no point in dwelling on it. I was going to be executed anyway. And even if I weren't, that would never happen. It'd just blow over and everything would go back to normal.

They put a sack over my head, and walked me down what must've been the longest hall I've ever seen (well, felt). Truth be told, I was terrified. But I wasn't going to show them that. I walked with my chin up and head high. We stepped outside, and they tied me up to a post. Then they took the sack off my head and I saw a hundred grounders with angry faces, waiting for me to get killed. Or, I realized, waiting to kill me. They all carried weapons and were ready to attack. The grounder who led all of that was a woman named Indra. She explained that I'd get a cut for every person I've killed, inflicted by one of their loved ones. Then, I'd bleed to death. Fun. Apparently I've killed 23 soldiers. Of course, Technically, it wasn't me. But they took what they could get. Besides, I gave the order to shoot.

I tried desperately to think of a way out of there, but I couldn't. There was no escape. I was in enemy territory, everyone knew what I looked like, I was tied up with no one to help me and no weapons. I was pretty close to accepting my fate, when I saw a familiar face in the crowd. I felt terror taking over my body, and I cursed every god I could think of. What was she doing there? I told her to let me go. But of course she'd try to save me. She'd never leave anyone behind. She was dressed in a custom grounder dress, and her silky blonde hair and deep, consuming blue eyes were a contrast to the grounders' dark skin and hair. Her clothes hadn't diminished her beauty. Hell, probably nothing would. She looked around for something, and didn't seem to find it. At last, her eyes landed on me, and her expression changed from determined and focused to empathetic and sad. I tried to mouth her to get out of here, and all I got in return was a half smile and a few more searching looks over the crowd. Was that really such a ridiculous request?

The ceremony started. A man approached me and was about to make the first cut. Clarke seemed really stressed. Something didn't fit well with her plan. I hoped she had a plan and didn't just come here. More importantly, I hoped she had a way out. She jumped out of the crowd and took everyone's attention.

"Stop!" She said, just like when I was about to open the drop ship door. So much had happened since then. "He isn't the one who killed your soldiers. I am. I gave the order." My hopes were ruthlessly shattered. That was her big plan? To die instead of me? I wouldn't let that happen. Not in a million years.

The crowd started to murmur, wondering who this was and what was going on. One of them knew. He was one of the group who tried to kidnap her. "It's true!" He yelled. "She killed Derum!" Derum must've been the guy she killed when we went to the bunker.

Indra was the first to come to her senses after the big revelation. "Why would you do this? Why would you give yourself over to us?"

"Because I don't think he should be punished for my sins. And I believe you don't think so either." I couldn't stay silent after that.

"Don't listen to her! She's lying!" Clarke shot me a look that meant I should shut up, but I wasn't her soldier. And I wasn't gonna let her take the fall.

The same guy who recognized her before spoke again. "No, she isn't! It's her! One hundred percent!" I wanted to kill him.

They gagged me and turned the attention to Clarke. I tried to scream. I tried to break free. I tried whatever I could to stop what was happening.

They tied Clarke up to a post next to mine. I looked at her, and saw no fear. She was so brave. I wished she was a coward. I wished she'd have stayed in camp.

The same man who had approached me, now turned to her, again, raising his arm to make the first cut.

"I wanna talk to the queen," she said, as if suddenly remembering that. Maybe there was a plan after all. If there was, I didn't like it one bit. "She needs to know something before I die."

This was getting weirder by the second. I hoped she knew what she was doing.

"You can't," Said Indra. "Seeing you like that is beneath her majesty".

"I'm not going to talk to anyone but her, and she'd be very angry if she knew you killed me before I told her what I knew." I watched anxiously as Indra thought this through. I've never been more scared in my life. I didn't know what the plan was, but I understood that it rested on Indra complying with that request.

"Okay," she said at last. Clarke couldn't hide her relief, and I suspected I couldn't either. "But custom dictates that she only sees you after ten cuts." In an answer to Clarke's astonished look, she explained. If you could call it that. "Like I said, seeing a prisoner at full strength is beneath her."

"But seeing one cut and bleeding isn't? How is blood respectful?"

"It symbolized the blood of those we've lost."

"Fine," Clarke said, and again, I lost faith in her plan. "ten cuts, and then her majesty comes here."

Indra nodded, and whispered something in the ear of a girl who must've been her apprentice. The girl ran into palace. The man, who was now understandably frustrated, raised his arm to cut her, again. I saw her cringe as she realized what was about to happen. She took it bravely. I didn't. I moved about frantically, trying to break loose. I nearly tore my voice cords trying to get their attention and stop this. But to no end. It happened, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. He made the cut along her arm. She did her best to hide how awful that felt, but I saw right through the act. She was in pain, excruciating pain, and there was nothing I could do to help her. Another woman came, and muttered something about a fallen brother. I didn't really listen. She made a second cut, along Clarke's other arm. Again, Clarke didn't make a sound.

Then, blessedly, I felt the ropes that tied my hands coming loose. I didn't know if my own struggling brought this miracle, or if it were a fairy godmother, but I wasn't going to waste time thinking about it. I stood in front of Clarke and took the gag off my mouth, as a third guy came.

This is the first time since we got here that I've heard Clarke in distress. She had been silently brave through all of this, but somehow my breaking free broke her. "Bellamy, no! Get out of the way!"

"I'm not gonna let them kill you, Clarke." I said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, because for me it was. To her it seemed like insanity.

"Bellamy please, listen to me!"

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Indra approached us, angry and upset. "You're interrupting a sacred ceremony!"

I didn't give a crap about that. "You're not killing her, Indra. I don't care what I have to do."

The weight of that statement surprised me. Was I willing to do whatever it takes to save her? Was I willing to die for her? One quick glance behind me made the answer as clear as day. I looked at Indra again, ready to face whatever she threw my way.

"Get out of the way. What you're doing now is punishable by death."

"Bellamy, they'll kill you and then me! You're not saving me, please don't do this!" Clarke, as always, tried the logical approach. And she had a point. I wasn't going to die for nothing. But I wasn't going to back down either.

"Kill me instead," I said. "If she lives, she'll never kill anyone again. She'll make peace. Me? If you let me live I'll kill each and every one of you for what you're doing right now."

"Bellamy," Clarke started again, "trust me, please! This isn't worth it!"

I did trust her. I trusted her with any decision but that one. I didn't trust her to choose right between my life and hers. She had just made the wrong choice a minute ago, when she decided to take my place.

"Move aside!" Indra said. She didn't need a high volume to make a strong statement. She, unlike Clarke, Didn't care about logic. Not in this sacred moment that I was ruining. And yet, I couldn't just move aside and let them kill her. I stayed where I was, knowing that until I chose what to do, she was safe. I racked my brain trying to find a solution to this impossible situation. All the while Clarke begs me to step aside, and Indra's glare promises a painful death if I don't.

The sharp pain of Indra's blade cutting through my stomach stopped the whirlwind of thoughts inside my brain, as shock took over me. I fell on the floor, and looked up at Clarke's frantic face, by then wet with tears.

"No..! Bellamy!"

* * *

 **Please let me know what you think :)**


	8. A Question For You, The Readers

**Hi everyone,**

 **This isn't another chapter, I just wanted to ask you guys something.**

 **First I want to thank everyone who's following my story, it's really great to know that people are interested and it gives me motivation to keep writing :)**

 **I'm not writing this story to get a lot of followers or favorites, but I've noticed that my story isn't gaining as many followers as I thought it would, and I was wondering why. I'm writing this story because I want to, and I'll keep writing it even if I have no followers at all. But I'm also doing this to learn, so I'm asking you for help.**

 **I just wanna know if there's anything that you're all seeing that I've been missing.**

 **So please, if you have any remarks, responds, questions, suggestions, or anything that you can point out that could help me get better I'd really appreciate it (any comment could help me, so even ones like "It's just not interesting" would be very appreciated).**

 **Thanks a lot for the help :D**


	9. The Escape

CPOV

No! No! No! This wasn't supposed to happen! God, why couldn't he have just let me execute my plan?! And how the hell did he get loose?! None of it mattered right then. I had to get him to our camp, immediately. I suddenly felt the ropes that tied me to the post coming loose. I guessed we had some guardian angel on our side.

I heard Indra screaming, trying to find out how both of her prisoners got loose. The guards were ready to attack, undoubtedly trying to stop our escape. But I wasn't running. I knelt beside him, and put his head on my knees. Even despite everything that has happened, our plan was still our best shot. So until the queen came, and while chaos raged among the grounders, I moved stray hair from his face softly and tried to make him comfortable.

I talked in the softest voice I could, in complete contrast to the noise around us. Nonetheless, he heard every word I said.

"What did you do, Bellamy?" I asked, not so much mad as desperate and sad. That's exactly how I felt. "I told you to trust me.." I heard the queen entering the crowd, demanding to know what was happening. "If only you'd waited a few more seconds..." That's all I needed.

He looked at me, only half conscious, and didn't say anything. But I knew he heard me. He tried to say something but I stopped him.

"Don't talk," I said, the doctor in my taking over. "Don't do anything at all. You need to save your strength." _'And you need to keep the knife in place and not have it cut anything else'_ , I thought.

I held him like that, waiting for the others to do their part of the plan. The situation was out of my hands by then, and all I could do was wait it out. I held Bellamy's hand, and suddenly felt a little dizzy. I realized that I've been losing a lot of blood, and it was probably starting to affect me. I couldn't pass out. Bellamy needed a doctor at full strength. I cut the lower part of my shirt into a bandage and tried to stop the bleeding in my arms. The pain was excruciating, but it didn't stop me. The pain Bellamy was experiencing was worse.

Then, finally, everyone stepped into action. Monty and Octavia shot the queen's guards, who were few since she felt safe in her own court. Jasper grabbed the queen and put Bellamy's gun to her head. Wells came to my side, and we both lifted Bellamy up, and let him lean on us.

"No one move," Jasper said. "Or I kill your queen." No witty quips were necessary. Just as we thought, no one moved. No one dared endanger the queen. "If I see anyone follow us, I swear to god, I'll blow her head off." I thought that was a little over the top but the point was made, and none of them moved. I thought part of it was because they didn't fully understand our guns, and didn't know how fast we could shoot if we were hit by one of their arrows. That played to our advantaged. We all came out of the court and into the woods, Jasper and the queen last.

"Should I kill her?" He asked, and I quickly answered. "No. She can be negotiated with. And right now," I looked straight into her brave, yet fearful eyes, "I think she'd reconsider our offer. I don't think she'd want to mess with us ever again."

We walked halfway to our camp. Then, Jasper stayed with her, giving us time to enter safely. Afterwards, he left her and ran into camp.

"Don't worry," I told Bellamy as we entered. "I'm gonna save you. Everything is going to be okay." By that point he'd lost so much blood that I had no idea if he'd heard me. Nonetheless, I kept whispering encouragement words to him, part for his sake and part for mine. As we reached our so-called infirmary, I saw something that made relief flood me, and I was happier than I've been since we landed. I saw my mom. That in and of itself didn't make me that happy. I was glad to see her, but was still very mad over what Wells revealed. But if nothing else, my mom was an excellent doctor. And she was Bellamy's best chance.

No words were needed. "Lay him down here," She said, and got to work. I knew she missed me. I knew how grateful she was that I was alive. But one look at me told her exactly what mattered to me at the moment, and so she put off the teary reunion until later.

We put him on the table, and my mom started ordering everyone around. She told me that if I wanted to help her, I needed to bandage my arms, since the cuts weren't deep enough to justify stitches, and have something to eat and drink. I did it as fast as I could and ran back to the infirmary. I wanted to help her anyway she needed, and I trusted myself more than anyone else. I let her do what she does best, and when I couldn't help her anymore, I just sat by Bellamy's side and held his hand. Seeing as we didn't have any anesthesia, he was awake through the procedure, and was shifting in and out of consciousness. Once in a while he'd open his eyes, then wince from the extreme pain he must've been enduring. He squeezed my hand, almost as if to transfer some of the pain to me, and I welcomed it. If there was any way in which I could relieve his pain, I'd do it. Holding his other hand was Octavia, who seemed just as terrified as I was.

It seemed to last hours, but logically, I knew it couldn't have. All she did was take out the knife, check for internal damage, find none, sterilize the wound and stitch it up. We were all so relieved she couldn't find any damage. That would've made things so much more complicated. But apparently we were lucky. A thought popped in my head, suggesting that it wasn't luck, and Indra knew exactly what she was doing. She seemed like the kind of person who'd do that. But I only knew her for a couple of minutes, so I couldn't tell.

He was asleep when my mom finished the procedure. She said he was going to be okay, and just needed rest and lots of fluids. After staying with him for a few moments and seeing that he's deeply asleep, and with a promise from Octavia to call me once he wakes up, I went to talk to Wells.

We picked a nice, secluded spot near the wall, and sat down. He told me that the explosion we heard was a launch pod, with my mom and someone else from the ark inside. I didn't want to talk about my mother, so we changed the subject. We had a normal conversation, and a fun one at that, but something still felt wrong. I saw his tremendous love for me in every look that he gave me. Every time we kissed I could feel him getting consumed by passion and affection. He held me in a way that conveyed how thankful he was that everything had turned out okay between us and how he'd never let me go again.

But I didn't feel the same. I couldn't see my own expression but I had no doubt it was no match for his. He was still the closest person in the world to me, the one who knew me most, and the one with whom I had the richest, deepest history. Including my mom, I thought at that moment. And yet, I found myself thinking about Bellamy. And not only worrying about how he was, but also about the bunker, and about him rescuing me from the grounders. I didn't always need that rescue, but it's the thought that counts. I tried denying it the past few days, but I couldn't. And there was no point in trying anymore. I had to tell Wells.

And I did. I left Bellamy out of it, of course. I just explained that I didn't feel the same anymore. I made sure he understood how thankful I was for what he did for me, and how incredible the time that we spent together was for me. When he asked about whether I'd feel this way if we hadn't broken up, I didn't know what to tell him. My gut told me that as long as I got the chance to connect with Bellamy as we did, it would've happened. But logic suggested that if I'd still been in love with Wells I wouldn't have been able to see Bellamy like that. Either way, what happened happened, and there was no point in trying to force us into something that wasn't there anymore. The love I saw before was replaced with sadness and disappointment. I wished there was something I could do to make him feel better, but there didn't seem to be anything.

He left, and I stayed there for a couple more moments, thinking about what I just did. Did I break up with Wells, the guy who's been there for me every time I needed him, the guy who's been nothing but good to me, my best friend, because of Bellamy? Bellamy who only looked after the people he cared about, had a different girl in his tent each night, almost killed the chancellor, and was basically a giant pain in the ass most of the time? The one who'd do anything to protect the people he cared about, just like I would, and was willing to die for me? The one who seemed to never be afraid, aside from when it came to me and Octavia? The one who always did what had to be done, no matter how bad it looked to other people, or how bad it actually was? Damn it! I did.

Accepting that was hard. Very hard. I wasn't used to liking guys like him. I wasn't use to seeing more of myself in them, than in people like Wells. But then again, Finn seemed like my kind of guy, and look how that turned out. Slowly, very slowly, I realized that I really did care about him, a lot. And whether it was what I was used to or not, that was how I felt, and I had to deal with it. I could've just tried to forget about him. Moved on. That was plausible. But thinking about my other option, about what would happen if somehow we'd actually be together, made me feel warm all over. I couldn't help but smile to myself as I thought about the smile that'd show on his face if he actually felt the same. God, I would've loved for him to smile. For a moment there, I was completely in my own head, living that wonderful scenario. When the moment was over, I found myself desperately trying to get back to it. I didn't want it to end. So, as I do with most things, I decided to take matters into my own hands, and do whatever I can to make it happen. And if it didn't work, there's always plan B. Move on.

As I entered the infirmary, I saw that Bellamy had in fact woken up and was talking to Octavia.

"I was just about to call you," She said, worrying about her broken promise. As if I cared about that.

"It's fine," I said dismissively, and sat on Bellamy's other side. I held his hand, and watched as he followed my every movement with his eyes. He gave it a squeeze and smiled. It was a genuine smile, and it conveyed warmth that rivaled the sun.

"You saved me. Thanks."

"It wasn't really me, it was my mom."

"I know she's the one who took the knife out. But it was you who saved me. How are your arms by the way?"

"Been better," I said, and he chuckled very softly. I couldn't help but smile at that.

Octavia must've realized that we needed some privacy, so she left us alone. She didn't provide an excuse, but none of us needed one. We all knew what was coming.

"I didn't start the war, Clarke." That was not what I expected, but alright. "Lyanna's guard was about to shoot you. I saw it. I had to shoot him."

Whether that was right or not wasn't relevant.

"Its okay," I said, sensing that he needed some sort of approval that he did the right thing. Or maybe he just needed my approval. Either way I happily gave it to him.

"I also never got to apologize for the way I lashed out after Octavia returned from the woods. I..-" I cut him off, not understanding what was going on.

"You don't need to apologize, Bellamy. What I did was wrong. And even if it wasn't, so much has happened since then... Why are you bringing all of that up?"

"One of the things I thought about when I was there was what I'd never get the chance to tell you.. So now, that I'm out of the woods, I just want to make sure you know."

"I do."

A silence hung between us, but it wasn't an awkward silence that needed to be filled. It was a silence that let us both take a few deep breaths before continuing. It gave us a few moments to just look at each other and... Just enjoy that. Or maybe that was just me.

Well, it was time. How was I even supposed to do that? I couldn't just say "I love you", since I wasn't sure that was true. There were feelings, undeniably, strong feelings, but to go so far as to call it love? I wasn't certain about that. I didn't really have much experience in that area. I've only ever been with Wells, and that took so long to become more than friendship that there wasn't any doubt. Thinking about it, and the way it felt when Bellamy held my hand, made me realize that maybe some doubt would've been a good thing.

Bellamy opened his mouth to say something, and I held my breath.


	10. That Son of a Bitch

CPOV

Bellamy opened his mouth to say something, and I held my breath. Then, seeing something behind me, he stopped, and smiled. "Matt!" He exclaimed, as I turned around and saw someone I didn't recognize. He seemed to be about Bellamy's age, which meant he was slightly older than I was. He must've been the one who came with my mother to earth.

"Bellamy!" He said, just as enthusiastic as Bellamy was. "I know you missed me, but getting yourself stabbed is not the way to get my attention." He clasped Bellamy's hand and shook it. The light air around them seemed to evaporate as Matt noticed me.

Bellamy, seeing where Matt was looking, explained. "This is Clarke."

"Yeah, I know who she is," He said, and I couldn't help but notice the animosity in his voice, that almost seemed like hatred. That was weird since I've never seen that guy before.

"She's the leader of our camp here, and a very good friend of mine."

He observed me in a way that made me want to puke. Or punch him. Or both. Neither of us reached out to shake hands. I guess his hatred became mutual.

"Clarke, would you mind coming outside with me for a moment?" There was nothing that I could think of that I wanted to do less than that. But my curiosity got the best of me, so I followed him outside. On my way I saw Bellamy raise an eyebrow at that. I couldn't say that it bothered me.

"I see that you and Bellamy have gotten really close." He waited for me to respond, but I didn't feel like admitting anything to him. So I just looked at him impatiently, waiting for him to continue. Seeing that I wasn't going to provide him with a conformation, he continued. "I'd hate for anything to get in the way of that." He was like a villain in a bad Disney movie. It was so lame. But, again, I had to know what he was referring to.

"What are you talking about?"

"Do you remember, a few years back, when you triggered a false alarm, because you saw someone suspicious at a party?"

"Yeah, so?"

"You're the one who got Bellamy's mom killed, and his sister in jail."

"What?! That's horrible..." I said, and then something else came to mind. "How do you even know that?"

"I saw you. And yours is a face one can't forget, Clarke. The face of an angel, on the devil incarnate." His tone changed from mockingly charmed to genuinely hateful.

"I never meant for any of that to happen!" For some reason, I felt the need to defend myself to him. "I didn't want anybody to get floated! I was just following the rules."

"I don't care" He said, and I didn't mind his rudeness. More important matters were on the table.

"Are you going to tell Bellamy?" I asked, suddenly feeling very vulnerable.

"Not if you do exactly as I say." He waited for me to respond, as I took this in. He mistook my considering his statement with agreement, and added: "You're gonna be my little bitch."

I couldn't express with words how much I hated him. Hell if I was going to be anyone bitch. At the same time, I knew that nothing mattered more to Bellamy than his family, and if he knew this about me, then whatever happened or would've happened between us would be over for good. Octavia saved me from having to come up with a simple answer to that.

"Clarke, I need you..-" She stopped as she saw Matt. "What are you doing here?"

"Am I sensing a little animosity in your voice, Princess?" That nickname, for once, was aimed at Octavia, not me.

"You're sensing full on hatred. How the hell did you get here?"

"The launch pod," I provided. I was so glad to see that Octavia hated him too. Why was Bellamy friends with this guy?

"Makes sense to send the self-serving, arrogant scumbag after the criminals." Turning from Matt to me, she said: "Clarke, could you come with me for a second? I need you."

"Sure," I said, gladly leaving Matt behind.

Even with my back to him, I could hear him yelling to me: "I'm looking forward to finish this talk, Clarke!"

Octavia led me away from the infirmary until we were near the wall, where no one could hear us. "I need you to cover for me with Bellamy. Tell him I'm having girl trouble or something."

"Wait," I said, as she started to leave through a hole in the wall. "Where are you going?"

"To meet a grounder." She tried to escape but I caught her arm and pulled her back to me.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Don't make a big deal out of this, but I'm kind of.. Friends with one of them. His name's Lincoln."

"He saved you, didn't he? When you were attacked? That's how you killed three grounders?"

"Yeah. And, by the way, he's the one who released you and Bellamy at Lyanna's court". Whoa. I didn't see that coming. A grounder helped us because he knew Octavia? Well, he ended up causing more damage than good, but he had no way to know. "We said we'd meet today and I have to go, but Bellamy can't know about it. He'll flip." I wasn't going to argue with that.

I weighed my options. I could've just gone to Bellamy with that. That's what he would've want me to do. But seeing Octavia, and how much she wanted to see Lincoln, I realized how wrong that would be. Everyone had a hard time on earth, and if anything made her that happy, it was worth it. I really did want to help her. Even if that meant hiding it from Bellamy, because honestly, I was with her on this. He really was overprotective. Having said that, I still couldn't just let her go. Bellamy just wanted her to be safe, and I was damn well going to keep her safe.

"Wait here," I said, and left. I came back a minute later, and was relieved to find her waiting for me. This time I had a loaded rifle with me. "I can't just let you go see him. That's too dangerous. But I can come with you, and I will."

The amount of gratitude in her eyes was indescribable. She seemed like she really cared about him. I was so happy for her. I, on the other hand, wasn't that naive, and still didn't trust him. Helping us at the court earned him a few points but that was far from enough.

We made sure no one saw us, and left through the breach.

"Why do you hate Matt so much?" I asked. That wasn't an accusation, of course. He was very detestable. I just needed to know what he did to trigger it.

"Everyone in jail knew him. He was the one who slept with girls and then dumped them. The jerk of the ark. And still, somehow, many girls fell for him. Idiots. They also said Bellamy was like him, but I don't think that's true." I could see why she'd think that. But I could also see Bellamy sleeping with girls and never calling them again. "My friend and I knew better than that. Her name was Emily and we were pretty close, even though she was older than me. Almost eighteen. Anyways, I was off limits, because I was Bellamy's sister, but Matt kept trying to ask Emily out and she refused him every time. One time they both got really drunk and he started kissing her. It took her a while to understand what was going on, but when she realized what he was doing, she told him to stop, but he wouldn't. She kept yelling at him to back off and he wouldn't. I heard her and pulled him away. He was so angry. I was keeping him away from fulfilling his latest conquest. He pushed me against the wall, and was about to say something witty and obnoxious. I screamed, knowing that Bellamy was nearby. Matt backed up, and when Bellamy came, he said I attacked him, and that nothing ever happened between him and Emily. Emily agreed, because she was too embarrassed to admit to Bellamy that anything happened to her. I think she had a crush on him. Bellamy believed them, and thought that I was just trying to get him to hate Matt, because I hated him myself. And Matt hadn't come clean to him even since."

"That's intense," I said, not knowing what else to say. "What an ass!"

"The worst. I was so mad at Bellamy for not believing me."

"Well, I have to admit it does make more sense to listen to Emily."

"He shouldn't listen to logic. He should listen to me." I saw her point.

When we got there, Lincoln was already waiting. She ran to him, and he held her in his arms and turned her around. Then they kissed. It was so damn romantic. It was like Romeo and Juliet. _'I guess Octavia and I have different definitions for "friends"'_ I thought. When they were done, he approached me, and we shook hands.

"Thanks for the help," I said, not really knowing what to say to a grounder.

He smiled half a smile and said: "I think killing Bellamy would've been a bad way to get peace." The look he gave Octavia implied that something else, way more important to him, would've been lost.

"I don't think we can get that," I said honestly. "We don't trust each other at all."

"We need to start talking again. As crazy as it sounds, Lyanna actually trusts you more after everything that's happened." That did sound crazy. "You did good by letting her live, and avoiding casualties as much as you could."

"You seem to be very high up in the command chain."

"I'm influential," He said vaguely. It made sense that he wouldn't want to expose his position to a stranger.

"How about you and I coordinate a false truce?" He looked very confused, so I elaborated. "As long as we don't run into each other, I don't think any party is going to attack. We both want to recover and no one wants to go to war. So, you and I can make sure that we in fact don't run into each other."

"That could work," he said. "I can make it happen."

We worked on that for the next couple of minutes, and decided that we'd meet daily and set the terms for the next day. That worked fine for me and great for the two of them. When that was done, I gave them some privacy. I couldn't just leave, but I made sure we were within shouting distance, and looked their way once in a while, to make sure everything was okay. And it was. It was great. When we came back to camp later, I noticed that I've never seen Octavia that happy before.

We made sure no one saw us, again, and entered the camp. She thanked me one last time, and then went to do whatever it is she did. Probably write about him, or think about him, or anything to do with him. She was the perfect picture of a girl in love. Thinking about that made me think about Bellamy, which brought up Matt. I was filled with disgust and resentment. So, in a desperate attempt to avoid talking to him again, I went to do the next item on the list of things I really, really didn't want to do. I went to talk to my mother.

First we talked about everything that we needed for our camp. I gave her an evaluation to give the chancellor when they get the chance to talk, and we decided to recommend that the rest of the ark came too whenever they can, the sooner the better. We set a time for Finn to talk to the council, who'll instruct him on how to handle the grounder situation until they arrive. We've also established a time for Bellamy to talk to Jaha about a pardon, once he got better. She also said that the reason Matt came with her is because his father is on the council. But on top of that, he's also a great Mechanic, did well in all his studies, and basically could really help us. I thought that a great mechanic wouldn't be much help if he drove us all insane in the process. After all these, we got to my father.

All in all, the conversation went exactly as I thought it would. I accused her of killing my dad, and she apologized, saying that she never meant for that to happen. I told her that it'd take time but I'd forgive her eventually. It wasn't very exciting because I already lived it in my head a million times, and she said exactly what I thought she would.

But something did surprise me. The resemblance between what she said to me and what I said to Matt about Bellamy's mom was horrifying. It clarified just how much Bellamy would hate me if he knew. Just how much I hated Wells. So, with a new resolve to make sure that didn't happen, I went to the infirmary. Bellamy's eyes lit up as he saw me, but mine probably looked as cold as ice. That was because I came there for Matt, not him.

"Where did you go for so long? I missed you," Matt said, and I nearly shot him. That reminded me that I still had the rifle I took with me when I escorted Octavia. I'd forgotten to put it away. And of course, it triggered questions.

"And what are you doing with a rifle?" Bellamy asked.

"I went to look for more food. Didn't find any."

"Clarke, that's dangerous!" Bellamy said.

"So is starving," I said coldly, and turned to Matt. I didn't want Bellamy to catch me on this lie either. "We have a conversation to finish."

The smile on his face was disgusting and repelling. At least to me. "We sure do." He got up and we turned to leave.

"What's going on here? You're both acting very weird." He really was confused, and I saw how much it bothered him that he couldn't just get up and follow us, or just leave the infirmary, for that matter. He didn't like being in the dark, and it drove him crazy not to be able to do anything about it.

I went to his side and crouched so that we'd look eye to eye. "Everything's fine. But your job right now is to rest, and let me handle everything. Okay? I want you at full strength as soon as possible."

"Okay, I'll let it go. Just promise me that you're okay." His worrying about me when he was like that warmed my heart and melted every shred of anger I felt. It took everything I had not to kiss him right then and there.

"I'm great." Matt. My mom. Octavia and Lincoln. Grounders. Bellamy. Yep, I was super.

I left with Matt, and we set right to business. No pleasantries were required.

"What do you want me to do?" I asked, ready for anything. Again, a smile crept up on his face that made me nauseous.

"I haven't thought about it yet. Whenever I ask you for something, just do it."

"for how long?"

"As long as you want Bellamy to not hate you."

"That's not the way it works. I'm not gonna keep doing this forever. Give me one thing to do, I'll do it, and we'll never have to speak again."

"This works any way I want it to. If at any point you want out, all you have to do is say so. But your secret will come out as well. It's your choice."

"You're a despicable human being, you know that?"

He smiled again. How could someone so obnoxious smile so often? "I've been called worse."

"I'm not surprised."

"I'll see you around then," He said and left, not before whispering under his breath "bitch."

I demonstrated so much self control in not punching him, that I mentally awarded myself with a medal. That son of a bitch. I hated him so much. I turned around, ready to do anything that would keep my mind off my impending humiliation. I saw Octavia standing in front of me, and from the look on her face, it was obvious she heard the whole thing.

"What does he have on you?" She asked, not even bothering to hide the fact that she'd listened to our conversation. Given her relationship with him, I couldn't blame her.

"None of your business," I said, trying to avoid having this conversation with her. After all, I harmed her even more than Bellamy.

She completely ignored that. "What could you possibly do, that would make Bell mad at you? You can do no wrong in his eyes."

"That's not true," I said simply, even though hearing that made me feel better than it should have.

"Well, the only thing that he could be mad at you about is putting me in danger. Did he find out about Lincoln?" She asked, not really scared, since she didn't really expect the answer to be yes. She knew there was more to it than that. Then she realized. "No... We always knew that someone sounded the alarm to expose us... That was you?"


	11. What Have I Done?

OPOV

Well, that was a surprise. Clarke was the one who got mom floated. Wasn't that what she was mad at Wells for? Either way, I decided to give her the chance to defend herself.

"I'm so sorry Octavia.." She started, and I didn't feel as much anger as I would've suspected. She continued. "I never meant for anyone to get floated, they just told us to do that if we see someone suspicious, so I did... I..-"

"What did you think would happen?"

"I don't know.. I really am sorry.. I was an idiot and it was so long ago and... There isn't much else I can say.."

I surprised myself with what I did next. I held her hand and said: "It's okay Clarke. You were young and stupid. You're not like that anymore."

She hugged me, and I could feel the relief she felt. She really didn't want me to be mad at her. And I wasn't. Of course it hurt. Of course my first instinct was to scream and yell and make her feel as bad as I did. But that just seemed useless. We've moved on. She'd saved me and Bellamy many times since then, and she's been nothing but nice to us. If there was ever a time to get a new start, it was the moment we landed on earth. After a few moments she pulled away.

"Don't tell Bellamy though," I said. "He won't take it well."

"Yeah," she said, with a bitter smile on her face. "That's why I'm even bothering with Matt. I'd really hate for Bellamy to find out."

"And there's no reason for him to. This'll just bring up bad memories, and he'll be mad for nothing."

"So you won't tell him?" She asked, and her expression made it perfectly clear how much this mattered to her. How could I ruin that for my brother?

"No. And you won't tell him about Lincoln."

She agreed, and I knew we were both thinking the same thing. We both felt bad for having to hide something from the person who'd do anything for us. But I guessed neither of us was perfect. And we both just wanted some peace and quiet for a change.

CPOV

The next few days were uneventful. The meetings with Lincoln continued, and no one got killed, on either side. Finn was discussing strategies with the ark, not knowing that me, Octavia, and Lincoln were doing the real work. Well, I wouldn't exactly call what they did there work. They seemed head over heels in love with each other, and a pang of jealousy sparked in me every time I saw them together.

I wanted that so bad. But there was nothing I could do. I could never be with Bellamy, not with all the secrets I was keeping from him. I knew that that's the way things were going to be from then on and it drove me crazy. Plan B it was. Move on. At least I wouldn't lose him as a friend. And all because of Matt.

Speaking of which, Matt didn't seem to push my limits with his requests. Usually it was just to get him something from his tent, or go say something to one of his so-called friends. I usually did that with a smile, pretending that it wasn't a big deal. Pretending that I had a choice. I did whatever I could to save what ever was left of my self respect.

Bellamy got better and always came to sit with us by the fire. Whenever I did something for Matt, he'd look at me like a puzzle he was trying to solve. He didn't understand our relationship, and how could he? But he promised to let go, so he didn't ask me about it. I was so thankful for that. I didn't want to lie to him anymore than I already did.

Every day, before we went to bed, Bellamy and I would sit down to talk about our day. It started because that was one of the only times I could visit him in the infirmary. Then it became a habit, and the best part of my day. Each day I woke up expecting the next time I get to sit down and laugh with him. It was nothing but pure fun. It was nice and light and easy, and was a huge contrast to the crap I had to deal with each day. The crap being Matt.

The end of these days came when Matt decided to take it up a notch. He decided that a girl named Christy was his next mission. Just like Octavia said, everyone knew him and his reputation, including Christy, which made her a very hard conquest. That seemed to turn him on. My job was to be nice to him, and flirt, and basically do whatever I can to make her jealous.

"Just help me with this," He said, "and you'll have done you're job."

"You mean that.." He completed that sentence instead of me.

"I'll let you off the hook. These past couple of days I got to know you Clarke. You're not as bad as I thought, not anymore. And I don't see any point in telling Bellamy. I think you'd actually be good for him. So, help me with this, and we're done for good."

Thinking about sitting next to him sent chills down my back. But what choice did I have? I wasn't ready to lose Bellamy. I knew I was being weak, and that it wasn't the smart thing to do. The smart thing to do would've been to tell him the truth and deal with the consequences, one way or another. A small part of me even said that if he really cared about me, he'd forgive me eventually, and if he didn't then I didn't need him at all. But I just couldn't.

So, after a shot of moonshine that Monty made, that was supposed to get me through the night, I went and sat next to him. I laughed at his every joke, and touched his arm softly. I kept looking at him with what I hoped were dooey eyes, and played with my hair every now and then. I kept admiring him and his endless, boring, arrogant, idiotic stories. I let him whisper things in my ear. These things, that no one else heard, were just reminders of what would happen if I backed down. I didn't need these reminders. Bellamy was always with us when that happened, and looked at me as if I were an alien. At the end he accepted our newfound relationship, and gave up on me altogether. He did his best to ignore us, but I saw right through that. He was extremely jealous. I took no joy in that. I didn't want to make him feel that way. But again, I didn't think I had any other choice.

I got up to get my master some moonshine, and saw Christy approach him. Whatever he did, in combination with my flirting, must've been enough for her. Some conquest. On my way to Matt's tent, Bellamy caught up to me.

"Hey," he said, so clearly wanting to ask me about Matt without knowing how. "what's up?"

"Fine. I'm just getting some moonshine."

"What's up with you and Matt?" I guessed he decided to take the direct approach.

"Nothing," I said, and motioned with my head to where he currently was, walking Christy to his tent.

"I didn't know you guys were such good friends." Passive aggressive much?

"I wouldn't say we were good friends. We're... acquaintances."

"Do you do what all your acquaintances tell you to do?" And so the cynicism began.

"I'm a nice person, in case you haven't noticed." This conversation was going in a direction I really didn't like.

He held my hand, and we stopped walking. "Clarke stop. I know something's wrong here. You and Matt are not the type of people to get along. I can see you despise him and yet you do whatever he asks you to. And you don't do that for anyone. I know I promised to let it go but this is absurd. Just talk to me. Whatever it is, it's okay. I'll help you."

I wanted to tell him so bad. I wanted to end this. "And you promise you won't be mad at me? No matter what it is?"

"Of course." I believed he actually meant it. I could see what Octavia said, that I could do on wrong in his eyes. Looking into those eyes right then, I saw how much he cared. I saw his confusion, and his will to sort things out. I saw worry and affection. All I had to do was tell the truth.

"I like him. I really do." I couldn't. I hated myself at that moment. But I couldn't.

He looked at me in disbelief and shook his head in desperation. "What will be the end with you Clarke? When are you gonna stop going for guys like that instead of someone who actually cares about you? For someone so smart, you make really, really bad choices."

If he only knew that I actually did go for someone who cared about me. That I actually made the right choice for once. I chose him. But I couldn't tell him that. If anything, this deal with Matt had been a bad choice, but again, I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. I stayed quiet, and he left. I could see his appreciation for me drop. I could see him losing faith in me.

Just one more quest, I thought, and this will all be over. I turned back to Monty's tent for the moonshine. I saw Christy storming out of Matt's tent, and realized that my work wasn't done. He stormed out right after her, but was going after me instead. He reeked of alcohol, which he must've gotten on his own, and seemed frantic and insane. He grabbed me by the arm to a place where no one could see us. That was pretty scary. He pushed me against a tree.

"That wasn't enough," He said. "You need to do more." Then he just started kissing me. I didn't know if he was still trying to make her notice him, or if he was going for the truly impossible conquest. Either way, I didn't like it one bit. I pushed him off me, but he was stronger and kept going. His hands reached places they shouldn't, and I found myself trying to scream for help. He put his hand over my mouth before I could. I was truly terrified. I never thought it would come to this. What have I done?

OPOV

Since Clarke told me about the situation with her and Matt, I kept an eye on them. That moment was exactly what I was afraid of. He was doing to Clarke what he did to Emily. I screamed for Bellamy and when I was sure that he saw me, I ran towards Matt and Clarke. I didn't have enough time to wait for him and explain what was going on. I had to stop Matt. Bellamy would catch up in a few seconds. When I reached them I tried pulling Matt off her, but he just pushed me back with what seemed like no effort. He didn't even stop what he was doing to push me. I was ready to get up and try again, but Bellamy arrived. Never have I seen him that angry before. He pulled Matt back, succeeded, unlike me, and pushed him against a trunk. He punched him so hard I thought I heard his hand break. It took Matt a few moments to come to his senses, and when he did, he quickly realized what was going on, and seemed to have sobered up.

"This is not what you think, Bellamy. Just let me explain."

Bellamy stopped punching him but was still just as angry. He was terrifying. And one look at Clarke told me why. She wrapped her arms around herself and backed up until she was well behind Bellamy. She looked traumatized and shocked, and her eyes were wet but she didn't cry. She seemed to be using every ounce of strength so as to not fall apart. She was trying to calm herself down. I got up and went to her. I didn't really know what to do, so I just told her that everything was okay. It didn't seem to help much.

"She didn't say anything.." Said Matt. Was he trying to blame this on Clarke? There was no way Bellamy would believe that. And he didn't.

"Look at her, do you think she wanted this? Are you fucking kidding me?!" Matt cringed under Bellamy's wrath, and I enjoyed every second of it. I wanted to see him crumble and I wanted Bellamy to see exactly what kind of a person Matt was. "This is what happened with Emily, isn't it?! You forced her too?!"

Realizing that he had no way out of this, he tried a different approach. "Why do you even care about this bitch? She the one who killed your mom, Bellamy! She ratted you out! She's the reason Octavia got in jail! She ruined your life! And your sister's!" He released Matt and turned to Clarke.

"Is this true?" She nodded. "How could you?! You killed my mom, do you understand that?! You got my sister locked up! Why would you do that, what the hell were you thinking?!"

"I'm sorry, Bellamy. I know that's not enough, but that's all I can say. I was young and stupid, and I'm sorry."

He looked away from her. "I thought I knew you Clarke." He said, and I knew what was coming. That was what he did. He got angry, said a bunch of stupid things, and then tried to make up for it. Clarke was in a delicate state, and I couldn't let him yell at her, or insult her, or whatever he felt like doing. I knew that once he had the chance to calm down, he'd forgive her, in a matter of seconds. The moment he could see reason again and not be blinded by his fury. So for both of their sake, I had to get her out of there before he said something he can't take back.

"Clarke, I need you to help me with something." She understood exactly what I meant, and I suspect that also my reason. She went to get her rifle and I pretended to leave but stayed behind, to see what Bellamy would do next. I hid behind a tent where I could see and hear everything.

"We cool bro?" Asked Matt, thinking he was off the hook. He reached out for a hand shake, and Bellamy clasped it, then pulled Matt closer to him, and held him for his collar.

"Whatever she did, this is Clarke. And you're gonna suffer for what you did to her. And Emily."

"You're gonna defend the girl who ruined your life?"

"I'm gonna defend the girl who had saved me and Octavia countless times, and has been nothing but kind to me since we landed, and happened to be the best person I know. She didn't deserve this, and I don't care what she did on the ark."

Matt soon realized that he was in dangerous territory, so he tried to back away, but Bellamy wouldn't let him. I hadn't stayed for that part, because I saw Clarke waiting for me at our spot with a rifle. I hoped to see a battered and bruised Matt when I got back.

As we walked to our meeting with Lincoln, I could see that Clarke was upset. "He'll get over it," I said. "He always does."

"Let's not talk about it, okay?"

And so we kept on walking in silence. Since this meeting wasn't scheduled, we had to walk all the way to his camp and leave a sign. A white Lily. It wasn't my first time but Clarke had been a little nervous. We wen't back to our meeting spot, and a few minutes later, Lincoln was there. It was like he was waiting for that sign. We told him what happened, and he offered to design a way for Matt to meet some very angry grounders. We all laughed at that, but Clarke's laugh was bitter and filled with sadness.

When she left us alone I felt really bad. I couldn't just sit there and kiss Lincoln when she was this upset. He understood, and we went to try and be with her for a little while. But we couldn't find her. We both spotted her at the same time. There were men with suits that looked like astronauts suits, and rifles that seemed much more advanced than ours. They shot her with some sort of anesthetic, and one of them carried her over his shoulder. I was about to scream, but luckily, Lincoln stopped me. He put his hand over my mouth and pulled me to him, to a hiding place behind a tree. That was smart. Us getting caught wouldn't help Clarke. But us following them might.

We followed them through the woods. I didn't know how long it's been or how far we've gone. At some point, I accidentally stepped on a tree branch and fell. It broke and made a loud cracking noise. Lincoln, ever diligent, pushed me behind a bush and stood in my place. The kidnappers turned around and saw him. He tried to run away, but not in my direction, and they quickly caught up to him. They shot him too, and two of them were needed to carry him.

I stayed silent as I watched the horror unfolding in front me. They took Lincoln. I tried as best as I could to follow them, but I couldn't keep up. My leg was hurt from when I fell and they knew these woods much better. I lost them. I lost Lincoln. I tried looking for them but came up with nothing. I looked for trails but couldn't find any, since they didn't exactly have paved roads. Panic took over me. I was losing Clarke and Lincoln and there was nothing I could do about it. I knew I couldn't lose my cool. I had to think this through. The logical thing to do, would be to go back to camp. There was nothing else I could do for them right then. I limped back to camp on what must've been my sprained ankle. I was going to look for Bellamy but he saved me the trouble. He was standing at the gate, fully armed.

"Octavia!" He said and ran over to me. "Where have you been?! I've been worried sick about you! I was just about to go looking for you!"

"I was in the woods with Clarke.." I knew I talked fast and seemed stressful. I didn't think that right then was the time to disguise my panic. Bellamy cut me off.

"Why would you go out alone at a time like this?! And where is she?"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you Bellamy! They took her!"

Something seemed to take over him. Instead of being mad he was determined and goal oriented. Nothing was going to stop him from finding her.

"Grounders?" He asked. It was obvious he was just barely keeping it together. I, on the other hand, completely lost it.

"No, they wore these suits like astronaut suits, and they had these rifles that were better than ours, ones with laser beams and.. I tried to follow them, I really did, but my ankle hurt and they were fast and I couldn't and.. They took them both and I couldn't help them.." I was sobbing by that point.

"Them? Who else?"

"Lincoln," I said. I knew how much this bothered him. But I couldn't hold it any longer. The tears came rushing out, and Bellamy wrapped his arms around me. "We have to save them Bellamy, we have to."

I knew that he was trying to be strong, both for me and himself. I knew how hard that was for him. His pain mirrored my own. I just wanted to wake up from that nightmare. I wanted them back. All of that was my fault. All of it.

"Don't worry Octavia. We're going to get them. You did right by coming here and telling me. And now I'll take care of it. I swear to you we're gonna bring them back. No matter what."


	12. Two Weeks

BPOV

I stood near the gate of our camp, ready to go on another search. And then I saw her. As beautiful as ever. The feeling was indescribable. I was so relieved that she was okay, and I was thrilled to see her and I felt the most blessed, invigorating, heavenly feeling that I've ever felt. I was so thankful without knowing whom I should thank. I couldn't help the broad smile that spread all over my face.

It grew even broader as I saw her smiling back at me and running towards me. I lifted her up and spun her in the air. She laughed at the gesture. As I put her down I hugged her, conveying everything that I've felt ever since she'd been gone into that embrace. She pulled away, and I gave myself another second to look at her radiant, astonishing smile.

"How are you here?"

"I'll tell you later," she said simply. Then, she surprised me by stepping on her tiptoes and kissing me. It took me a moment to fully comprehend the situation in front of me. Clark Griffin was kissing me. Me. I've never even thought that was possible. She usually goes for guys like Wells. He was probably the opposite of me. Hell, she was the opposite of me. But, there she was, proving my conception to be very, very wrong. I wasn't going to waste another second thinking about it.

I kissed her back, savouring every detail I could sense. The softness of her lips, mixed with the intensity I always loved to see in her, now looking so different, and more passionate than ever before. The feel of her arms wrapped around my neck, pulling me as close as can be, as if telling me to never let go. I sure as hell wasn't planning to.

I leaned into her, expressing something so deep and meaningful that it both terrified and amazed me, putting me in an unfamiliar yet exciting and satisfying state. A state of fulfillment and serenity. She arched her back as her I wrapped my arm around it, sending the other one to the back of her neck. I let myself drown in that moment, and all the fears and worries that occupied my mind every second of every day since she'd been taken dissolved into a vague memory, leaving me with nothing but the present to focus on.

Our kiss grew more and more intense, turning rapid and raising both our heart beats. Everything that she and I felt since we've landed, everything that we've been trying to push down and ignore came rushing back, both consuming and liberating. For the first time in a very long time, I chose hope over pessimism. Maybe everything would be okay. Maybe there was a chance for me to have everything I wanted.

I couldn't remember the last time I was that happy. I pulled away and opened my eyes to look at her again, just to make sure that it wasn't a dream.

And she was gone.

I was staring at the top of my tent, as realization slowly made it's way to my consciousness. It was a dream.

I worked hard at finding every curse word I knew, and directing it to whoever was responsible for this miserable situation. I tried falling back asleep. I tried doing what ever I could to go back to that dream. I tried to relive every moment of it over and over again. But after realizing that it was a dream, it felt like my mind's way of torturing me. I was a thousand times more frustrated and angry then, than I was happy in my dream. And I was very happy in my dream.

It's been two weeks since Clarke was taken. It felt like someone ripped out a part of my heart, and stomped it. My mind was going crazy with all of the unimaginable things that Clarke could be going through, all the while keeping in the back of my mind that death was a very realistic option. I was depressed for most of the time, the only thing keeping me sane being Octavia. Poor thing. She felt exactly the same as I did. Well, I doubted she felt the same about Lincoln as I did about Clarke, but her expression mirrored mine most of the time.

We did everything we could to find Clarke. At first we went out to look for her, and found nothing. We found Octavia's trail, and from that the kidnappers' trail, but it was cut off at some point and we couldn't track them. Octavia talked to the grounders. She told them something Lincoln told her, some kind of code word, that told them she was on their side. They believed her and we decided to work together on finding them, and putting our feud on hold. Still, we couldn't come up with anything.

The futile, devastatingly frustrating attempts went on and on, until the ark landed. With everything that was going on, that seemed like the least of my worries. We moved the camp to the site of the crash, where some parts of the ark were still functional. We called it Arkadia. Jaha had pardoned me, at Abby's request, and we tried using the technology they brought to find her. Again, we came up with nothing. I was starting to lose my mind.

Abby was in as bad a shape as I was. She was losing sleep, and it wasn't hard to notice that. She was the one person I could count on to be as motivated as I was to find Clarke, and to stop at nothing until we get her back. She, like me, started to realize that there might not be a way to get her back, and that thought was the most terrifying one we've both ever had.

That day, two weeks after the kidnapping, they said that they ran out of options, and had to devote their resources to a more promising goal. In other words, they were giving up on her. I wasn't going to accept that, and neither was Octavia.

The three of us thought of a plan, back when she'd been missing for a day or two. We swore to not even attempt it until there was no other choice. And from the look on both their faces when I came to talk to them, we all agreed that we had reached that moment.

From the suits Octavia saw them wear, we realized that the air must be toxic to them. We didn't exactly understand why, but we saw no other reason for them to wear it. That meant that we couldn't torture them. They'd die before we got any information out of them. We also couldn't just grab one of them and ask for an exchange. We didn't know how long their oxygen tanks lasted for. Besides, if we take one of their people and they decided not to cooperate, They'll be afraid to come up again. And we'll have lost Clarke and Lincoln for good. So, for lack of other options, we decided I needed to be kidnapped.

Back on the ark we had some sort of tracking devices. Obviously they didn't use satellites, like the ones before the bombs called GPS, because we were kind of a satellite ourselves. It used waves that went through the air, and measured their strength to indicate distance. As for direction, I didn't really understand how it worked, but it did. They were supposed to track me, find out where these people are hiding, and storm in and take us.

Octavia was responsible for causing a scene that would draw the council out, allowing Abby to connect their part of the tracking device to the computer. While I escaped, wearing the tracker, Abby watched my movement on the monitor and recorded it. We agreed that I'd walk in a circle around camp as long as I were okay. When she saw I was breaking the circle, that meant I was kidnapped.

I took a rifle, so as not to make it too obvious that it was a trap, but I wasn't going to use it. Killing them wouldn't help us at all. I circled the camp about three times and was starting to go insane. All of my patience was gone, and just walking around waiting for them was exasperating. Finally, they came. I acted surprise as I felt an arrow piercing my skin and injecting some kind of an anesthetic into my body. My vision blurred when I saw them walk towards me and grab me. I was finally going to see Clarke. That was my last thought as I drifted into sleep.

CPOV

It's been two weeks since I got there. My cell had become a second home. I felt safe in it, knowing that whatever they wanted to do to me, they couldn't do in there. There were other people in captivity too. All of them grounders. None of them had been through what I've been through. These people, our captors, couldn't go outside because the radiation was affecting them. Badly. The grounders were resistant to it, so they took blood from them. But these treatments weren't helping them, not in the long run. They tried to take bone marrow from them, but quickly realized that that wasn't working. So they just kept taking blood, settling for the best they could get. Until I came along. Apparently, people of the ark, who've been exposed to solar radiation for 97 years, were a better solution for them. They took bone marrow from me, and that did work. So that's what they did. Getting bone marrow was a thousand times more painful than taking blood. And everyone knew that. They all felt sorry for me, and I let them. I was in no position to be proud.

In the cell in front of mine was Lincoln. He and I had a sort of solidarity. No one who wasn't there could understand that. At first, when it seemed to have a point, he kept trying to help me. He yelled and screamed, and tried to hit some of them. But to no use. At some point he gave up, and looked at me in a way that gave me strength. There was nothing else to be done. When I cried myself to sleep, whether from pain or from losing hope at ever going back, he was the one who comforted me. And when he woke up from a nightmare, screaming for Octavia, I reminded him that she was safe at camp, and assured him that Bellamy would never let anything happen to her. But that wasn't only me.

On the cell next to his, was one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. She had this air around her that made it clear to everyone, that she was not to be messed with. Even in this miserable state. Her name was Lexa. And she was Lincoln's sister. Their reunion was one of the most emotional ones I've ever seen. They all thought she was dead.

Sometimes we'd talk, all three of us. At time of desperation. At times when waiting for the next painful treatment was excruciating in and of itself. I got to know her in these two weeks. She was smart, and kind. She always knew what needed to be done, and had the courage to do it. That I only heard from stories. But whenever I was sad, and Lincoln comforted me, she kept her mouth shut. She knew there was nothing she could say, so she'd rather say nothing. Her eyes offered more comfort than any words would. That was a strength not many people had, and one I thought very highly of. The single time I laughed in that place was because of her. And she was happy to see me laugh. Just because she knew I was suffering. She was such a good person.

We've been through many things, all three of us, in that prison. We haven't been through the same things, but we all felt like no one else would ever understand. No one other than the three of us. No one could understand what it was like that you had no control over your own body. Knowing that every breath you take, helps the people that keep you there. Knowing that they can use you and then throw you away, and that they probably will. And living in fear, dreading the moment that they decide that you were no longer necessary. I was so thankful to have them there. I didn't know what I would've done had I been there alone.

Truth be told, if it were only them, I was afraid that wouldn't have been enough. Other than them, it was Bellamy that kept me fighting. I couldn't just leave things like they were. I needed his forgiveness. I wasn't going to let that night be the last thing he remember of me. Somehow, deep down, I had some hope that he had forgiven me. And picturing the moment when I came back, and he'd hold me in his arms, and I'd feel safe and loved for the first time in a long time, that helped me keep fighting. But it didn't have to be that big. His smile when I say something that he approves of. When I make a joke so clearly not funny that he just has to laugh. When he stays silent so as not to say something wrong, and I know exactly what he's thinking. It's remembering moments like that that kept me going. God, it would suck if he were still mad at me. I took so much comfort in the fact that he wasn't there with me.

So you can understand my frustration when I saw them carry him in there.


	13. So Fucking Mad

CPOV

How could that have happened?! I thought they'd be careful after what happened to Lincoln and me! Our captors put Bellamy in the cell next to mine, which meant I couldn't see him. I looked at Lexa, and without me having to talk, she understood.

"He's okay," She said. "No blood. His face isn't even bruised". I let out a sigh of relief and leaned back against the wall. I saw Lincoln being terrified when a second man walked in, and desperately thankful when Octavia wasn't being carried in. "I'll tell you when he wakes up," she said. Again, I didn't need to talk for her to understand what I needed.

Apparently though, I didn't really need her to. A couple minutes later, I heard him move around and knew he woke up. I was about to call him when I heard him crashing against the metal bars.

"Is Clarke here?!" He asked, frantic with worry. Lincoln smiled and nodded to my cell. I heard Bellamy move towards my cell. "Clarke, are you okay?"

"Yeah," I said, and moved towards his cell. I heard him sit back down and sigh, much like I did a couple minute before. I sat with my back to the joined wall, and so did he.

"I am so fucking mad at you Clarke," He said. But it wasn't anger I heard in his voice. It was sadness and disappointment. The tiny hope that I held before disappeared, and I was left with only guilt and regret.

"I already apologized, Bellamy. There's nothing else I can say."

"What?" He asked, sounding confused. "No, I'm not talking about my mom. That happened a long time ago and you've changed since then. No, I'm talking about Matt. You put yourself through all that crap just so that I won't be mad? Are you fucking kidding me?! I would've been mad and I would've gotten over it. I would never have abandoned you or hated you, don't you get that?"

I was shocked. That was not what I expected. I really had underestimated him. And so did Octavia. But still, I felt the need to justify my actions. "I hurt Octavia, and we both know how you react when someone does that! She's the most important person in world to you."

His voice was calm when he spoke next. "So are you."

I was speechless. That wasn't an admission of love per se, but just the possibility of him loving me in the same way that I did him made warmth fill every part of me, and made me happier than I'd been in such a long time. Even in my miserable situation. I was elated, and the tips of my fingers tingled with excitement. That showed me not only that I actually did love him, but just how deep that love went. I sent my hand out back through the bars, towards him. He did the same thing, and held my hand in that weird position, and I felt all the stress he'd been feeling all that time dissolve into comfort. He held on it like it was the only thing keeping us together. As if the moment he let go I'd disappear.

"These past two weeks have been the worst of my life, Clarke. I was so worried about you."

"I'm okay," I said and squeezed his hand. "I'm fine."

"I tried everything I could but nothing worked. I just had to find you. I had to make sure you were safe."

At first I didn't fully understand him. I could only imagine what he'd been feeling lately, but the way he said it had seemed so weird. Almost as if he were apologizing, afraid that I'd be angry. But what could I possibly be angry about? Then it clicked.

"Bellamy," I said, using every ounce of self control I had not to scream at him. It was audible in my voice. "Did you get here on purpose?"

"They were going to give up on you Clarke! I had to!" I tried to pull my hand away, deeply outraged. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. But he stopped me. "I had to, Clarke. But I have a plan. I just need you to trust me." I let my hand rest in his, trying to comprehend this absurd situation. He got himself kidnapped to save me. Didn't he understand that more than I wanted to get out, I wanted him to be safe?

"I do." I said. "And I'm very mad at you too, for this. There's gonna be hell to pay when we get back to camp. You can be sure of that."

"You can be as mad at me as you want once we're both safe." He interlocked his fingers with mine, and I welcomed it. "I wish I could see you right now."

"I'm smiling," I said, only to find out it was actually true.

"Clarke, I..-" He was interrupted by the sound of the door bursting open. The doctor came in. She didn't talk, and we didn't need to hear anything. Time for the treatment. Only this time, instead of taking me, she took Bellamy. He, understanding the situation, took it bravely, and didn't object. He knew that they were stronger, so there was no point in fighting. I suspected he also knew that if they didn't take him, they'd take me. So he complied silently, and stood in front of her, behind the bars of his cell.

But I wouldn't comply silently. "That's not smart, you know." I said, in the most calm, in-control voice I could. I tried very hard to hide my distress, knowing that I had to seem nonchalant to convince her. "You already know that your people respond well to my bone marrow. If you take his, you risk the chance that their bodies will reject it." True, my mom taught me some things about medicine, but I didn't know nearly enough to say something like that with certainty. My gut said it was true, and I really hoped for it to be.

"I'll take the chance," she said, and entered Bellamy's cell. They put a sack over his head, and led him away.

"You're risking your people's lives! They could die!" That was probably not true. But I tried. I watched them leave and scolded myself for not coming up with better idea. But there was nothing to be done about it then. I sat back down, and looked at Lexa and Lincoln. Just like before, both of them understood completely what I must be feeling.

"He's strong," Lincoln said. "He can take it. He'd probably be happy to do this if it meant you wouldn't have to." Lexa didn't say anything, but her expression showed empathy and support. Once again, they comforted me and I just tried to think of a way to pass the time until Bellamy was back.

BPOV

It hurt so bad. I limped back to my cell with a sack over my head, and every step resulted in pain shooting from my knee through my whole body. They brought me back to my cell, took the sack off, locked it, and left without a word.

"God, Clarke. Is this what you've been going through this whole time?"

"No." She said, and I didn't know whether I should be relieved or worried. "They only did it once." The look on Lincoln's face told me she was lying, but I let her. If she felt ashamed of what happened to her, I didn't want to push it. She'd tell me when she's ready. Still, I was so mad at myself for not coming to get her sooner. It was hard for me to take it one time, and she'd been through it.. God knows how many. I felt like a failure. I was supposed to protect her, and I couldn't. She'd been suffering for two weeks while I've been failing to find her. I swore to myself that that would never happen again. I'd keep her safe. I had to.

Clarke shifted my attention out of my own head and into the real world. "How's the pain?"

"It's fine." As bad as that was, Indra's blade was worse.

"Don't put any pressure on it. And don't cover it," she said, trying to relieve my pain.

"Don't worry, princess. Everything will be alright."

"We need to find a nickname for you too," She said, and I was glad she was well enough to joke around. Humor was always a good sign.

"What did you have in mind?"

The conversation was stopped by a deafening sound of an explosion. We looked around, trying to understand what was going on. Then, an alarm went off, getting all of us to jump to our feet. It said "Air breach. Top floor is compromised. All residents must go to level 5," over and over again. Finally. I wondered what took them so long. They probably tried to open the door themselves, failed, and brought a bomb. Whatever the reason for their delay, at last, they came to our rescue. The guards started to evacuate. I grabbed one of them and choked him against the bars. "The keys." He just handed them to me, and I let him go. He ran off, probably scared to die from contamination. I opened my cell, and then went over to Clarke's.

What I saw before me was horrifying. She sat on the floor, all covered in dried blood. Her eyes were barely open, and I saw all the countless places from which they took bone marrow. She looked broken. She tried to get up, but couldn't. I opened her cell, tossed the keys over to Lincoln's and ran over to help her. Ignoring the protests from my body, I kneeled beside her. I softly ran my fingers along her cheek which, like every other part of her body, was covered with blood. I felt tears welling up in my eyes. That looked more horrible and painful than anything I could've imagined. And it was happening to Clarke. I felt the pain of a thousand knifes stab each and every part of me, and it wasn't half of what I deserved. "I'm so, so sorry." I said the words, and meant them, but it was useless. My apology wasn't going to help her. And no words could've expressed the regret and guilt that I felt.

I put my arms under her knees and her back, to try and carry her, since she obviously couldn't walk, but she stopped me. "Your knee," She said. With no wall between us, I noticed things that I couldn't understand how I could've missed before. Her voice was shallow and weak. Every word she said took seemed to take endless effort. Every movement seemed to hurt. Every breath seemed painful. I looked at her miserably, knowing there's nothing I could do to ease her pain. Nothing but getting her out of there. Her eyes showed exhaustion and pain. Seeing her like that, it was too much to bare. Lincoln came, and I let him carry her himself.

Someone offered to let me lean on her, and I accepted. She was the woman in the cell next to Lincoln's. I had no reason to trust her, but the fact that we were all on the same boat, and wanted to get out of there. By that time everyone else was out of their cells and ready to bolt. No one knew exactly where we were going, but we knew our destination was up. To the ground. We followed the sounds of guns and smell of fresh air. Finally, we got to where our rescuers had just fought some of the enemy's guards. I had to admit, what they saw was a strong picture. Lincoln, a respected, trusted member of the grounder leadership (or so it seemed by his arrangement with Octavia and Clarke) carrying the leader of, how they liked to call us, the sky people. Peace seemed to be closer than ever. Nothing can bring people together like a common enemy.

When Octavia saw me, she ran towards me and hugged me so tight I thought I might explode. I returned the gesture while slowly moving to lean on her instead of the grounder who, now that she wasn't needed anymore, left. Two guardsmen took Octavia's place as more friends of mine came to my side. Lincoln put Clarke down and her mom ran to her, trying to assess the damage and see what the best course of action would be. She told another guardsman to carry her back to camp, all the while holding her hand.

Meanwhile, Lincoln walked over to the queen and hugged her. She kissed the top of his head and said "Welcome back, son." That was a shock. I knew Lincoln was very high up, but I didn't know he was a prince. He moved aside, revealing to his mother the grounder who helped me. Lyanna gasped and put her hand over her mouth, and then ran to that woman and hugged her. They both started sobbing, and Lincoln backed away to give them some space. I wondered how long that grounder was trapped in that awful place. That grounder who was a princess, apparently.

After making sure I was okay, Octavia ran to Lincoln, and he lifted her up and hugged her, and her feet were too far from the ground for her own good. She kissed him so passionately that I had to look away. She was my sister for god's sake. He put her down and put his arm over her shoulder, and she wrapped hers around his waist. Lyanna was not happy about that.

We all left, us to Arkadia, and the grounders to their home. It was hard for Octavia to be separated from Lincoln once again, but she realized it was for the best, and that she'd see him the next day. As soon as we got there they started questioning me and treating Clarke. We finished quickly and I went to the infirmary, which was much better equipped than the makeshift one we had back in camp. I let Abby do her job, and just stayed by Clarke's side, waiting for her to open her eyes. The thought that that might not happen never even crossed my mind.


	14. You Belong With Me

BPOV

I didn't know how long I sat there. It could've been a couple of minutes, or it could've been hours. But finally, after that long, excruciating time, she woke up. She followed with her eyes along her arm, until she got to her hand, then to mine, then to my face. A weak, exhausted, yet happy smile started to form on her face, as we just looked at each other for a couple of seconds. We knew that I'd have to call Abby in a moment, so she could examine Clarke and see that everything was alright, but we treasured that one moment of peace.

"Morning, princess," I said, and she just rolled her eyes. God, how I've missed that. I called Abby, and she did some routine checks. Clarke was still weak, but she was much better than before, and was probably going to get better in a few days. Abby hugged her, relieved to see that she was okay. I couldn't say I felt any differently. She cupped Clarke's cheek and whispered something in her ear. Then, she backed up, and looked at Clarke, then at me, then at Clarke again.

"I'll give you two some privacy.." She murmured as she left the infirmary along with Jackson, Her apprentice, leaving us alone.

Clarke sat up on her bed, leaning with her back against the wall. I held her hand with both of mine and looked up at her, amazed by how much strength she could demonstrate while she was battered and bruised, just by the way she sat.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

"Well, that's a stupid question. I feel awful." She chuckled, and whether it was at my stupid question or her own joke, I joined her.

"The painkillers are't helping?"

"As much as they can, which isn't nearly enough. But I'll get better." The way she looked at me when she said that insinuated that I had some part in her getting better. Or maybe that was just wishful thinking.

I sat next to her on the bed, leaned my back on the wall, and tilted my head back. "How the hell did we get into this mess, Clarke? Remember when our troubles were who's camp was more successful, and how we're gonna get enough food for everyone?"

"I was never worried about food, because my camp WAS the more successful one. But you worried about those stupid wrist bands."

"Hey, that wasn't stupid, that was a legitimate problem." I loved that we could just joke around without talking about any life threatening decision for once.

"You were such an ass." Her smile suggested that she thought I wasn't anymore. I hoped that were true.

"And you were a spoiled princess." She pushed me playfully. I felt a pang of pain in my chest, because I knew that even a shove like that, which I barely felt, took so much energy from her. And it was my fault.

I looked down, and the smile I wore before disappeared. "I really am sorry Clarke. About everything." I tilted my head to her side, and she did the same, so that we looked at each other. "I'll never let anything happen to you again. I promise."

She squeezed my hand, despite the effort that it took from her. "It's not your fault Bellamy. I forbid you to feel guilty about this. There's no way you could've known."

That was wrong. I should've known that it wasn't safe. But I wasn't going to push her on that. Instead, I told her something else. "I don't think I've ever been that scared Clarke. Even when we brought you back, until you opened your eyes I was just... Terrified."

"I know how you felt." Her voice emphasized just how much she did. "I felt the same when you were taken. Until you woke up I did whatever I could to keep myself from thinking about the fact that you might not. I even talked to my mom.." I smiled at that. Clarke really didn't want to talk to Abby when she first landed. "I even thought about how to say what I wanted to say to you when you woke up.. I just kept rephrasing it in my head over and over again."

"There was something I wanted to tell you too."

I thought that by that point we both knew what the other one wanted to say. My heart skipped a beat at the thought that she might feel the same way that I did. But if I did believe her, if I thought that she loved me and then found out that she didn't, that would hurt too much. I'd rather wait with the excitement until I was sure.

We sat there, both waiting for the other to talk, and trying to gather the courage to talk ourselves. When a few moments had passed without either of us saying anything, I let out the breath I hadn't noticed I'd been holding. "It shouldn't be this hard.." I said, sounding more embarrassed than I wanted to let on.

"I know.." She said, clearly on the same page as me. "We built a camp from scratch, dealt with two kidnaps and started a war, you'd think this would be easier than that.."

We both laughed awkwardly, knowing how silly this whole situation was, all the while not being able to do anything about it. I looked at her and saw my thoughts mirrored in her eyes. We were both such idiots.

Lincoln and Octavia saved us from having to deal with our unfounded fears. They walked over to Clarke, and Lincoln hugged her. "Are you okay? He asked.

She nodded. "I'll be alright." There was something in their interaction that displayed closeness and trust. Not in a romantic way, but rather a friendly one. Almost familial, even. He took a step back and Clarke faced Octavia.

"I'm so sorry, Clarke. I'm so sorry I dragged you to the woods back then.. This was all my fault..." Before Octavia could continue, Clarke pulled her into a hug.

"This is not your fault Octavia. You were trying to help. I'm not mad at you and I wouldn't want you to be. We're all okay, and no one's to blame except for the people who took us. Okay?" She pulled away so she'd look Octavia in the eye. "I wanna hear you say it."

"It's not my fault." She was obviously embarrassed by the situation but also thankful that Clarke wasn't mad at her. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Enjoy yourself." A naughty smile spread over her face. "He's free." Octavia looked at Lincoln lovingly, and sent Clarke a small smile of gratitude, before leaving the room with Lincoln.

I thought about what I'd just witnessed. When Octavia walked in the room she was upset and filled with guilt, and after one conversation with Clarke she seemed cheerful. Seeing Clarke take care of Octavia like that, seeing how important it was to her that Octavia felt good, made me forget everything that was holding me back before. I loved her so much, and couldn't think of anything in the world that I wanted to do more than kiss her.

So I did. At first it was very small, Both to not hurt her in her fragile state, and also to see what her reaction would be. After a few seconds in which she didn't really grasp what was going on, she closed her eyes and kissed me back, showing me just how much she wanted it to happen too.

A couple minutes before that, when she just woke up, I couldn't imagine being happier than I was at that moment. But when I was kissing her, finally knowing that she felt the same... That was a whole new level.

I could never have imagined how sweet it would taste. How wonderful she could feel. All the feelings that I've been trying to push down and deny came rushing back, bigger and stronger than ever. It consumed me. Both of us, it seemed. I pulled away, just to look at her another second. To see it wasn't another dream. And when I opened my eyes I saw her opening hers, and then looking at me and smiling. She was happy. So how could I not be? I smiled, but that didn't last long because I soon kissed her again. I let my hand rest on her cheek, and used the other one to pull her closer to me. She wrapped her arms around me, proving that she wanted that closeness just as much as I did. I never wanted that moment to end. The way her hand felt as she ran it along my back. The feel of her fingers through my hair. Her lips touching mine in a perfect balance of passion and gentleness. It was nothing but pure perfection.

The days after that passed too quickly for my taste. A week after Clarke returned, she already started to feel better. We participated in the peace talks, which resulted in what seemed like a long lasting agreement that satisfied both sides, and then we left the matter of dealing with the mountain men to the war council. Whenever we had some free time, we spent it together. Sometimes it was just the two of us, just the way I liked it. We talked about nothing and about everything, enjoying each other's company. Or we didn't talk at all.

But the other times, she'd want to visit her new friend. Lexa and Clarke had become very close since they got back. They'd meet up almost every day and just hang out. Me and Octavia usually came with them and Lincoln joined us, so the five of us formed sort of a group of friends. As if that situation was normal. A prince, a princess, the girl under the floor, the leader of a 100 delinquents and a janitor. Just a normal group of friends.

Something bothered me about the relationship between Clarke and Lexa. They had all these private jokes that none of us understood, and they'd have their uncanny way of reading each other's minds. Sometimes they'd have full conversations with no words. They seemed to have a real connection.

I felt bad for feeling that way. But usually I forgot all about it when we came back to camp. We'd go inside our tent, and she'd kiss me in a way that left no doubt as to who she loves most. At least, that's how it felt to me.

One time, as she lay in my arms before we went to sleep, she said something that made me feel stupid for ever giving a second thought to Lexa.

"Bellamy?" She asked, after long moments of comfortable silence, in which I gently rubbed her arm.

"Yeah?"

"How many girls had been here before me?" In my tent? Why the hell would she ask that?

"You don't wanna know."

"I just.. There's something that I can't figure out. I really liked Finn and I loved Wells. But it never felt like it did in the movies I saw or the books I read, so I'd just come to realize that love in the real world isn't like that. I just settled for what it was. You know, it was fine, good, actually, but when I kissed them, I had a million other things on my mind. It wasn't like the world had stopped moving around us and all I could think about what their lips against mine. I thought about school and about something stupid my mom said, and all sort of things. But with you it's... So different. Like nothing else matters. I don't know if I did something wrong back then, or if you're doing something right, but.. It's better than I ever thought it could be. I'm so happy right now. I just don't want anything to ruin that."

"Nothing will," I said and then leaned on my side and kissed her. It was the kind of kiss that was strong and deep enough to convey all of my feelings to her.

"See?" She asked after she pulled away slightly, and put my hand on her chest. "No one had ever made my heart beat like that." It was beating pretty fast. I kissed her again, and this time there was no urgency in it. Just serenity and peace. Just contentment with our current state, and unwillingness to ever let it go.

After a few moments we stopped, and I lay on my back, like we were before. She let her head rest on my chest, and put her arm around me in a sort of hug. My arm was wrapped around her waist, and I brought the other one to her face, caressing it softly.

"The answer to your question is simple." She waited for me to elaborate, so I did. "You feel differently now because you don't belong with Finn or Wells. You belong with me."

* * *

 **Well, was it worth the wait? :)**


	15. Queen

OPOV

Lincoln and I were at his room, after what must've been the most stressful situation I've ever been in. A dinner with his family. They were all royal and classy, so Lexa gave me one of her dresses. They had all sorts of weird traditions that Lincoln never told me about, and their idea of pleasantries was very different than ours. I kept doing the wrong thing, or saying something that was followed by an awkward silence. I couldn't wait for that nightmare to be over.

When at last it did, I followed Lincoln into his room, and collapsed on his bed.

"What the hell was that?!" I asked, frustrated that the first impression I made on his mother was so pathetic.

"Just a normal royal dinner. Have you never been to one?"

"No!" I said, emphasizing with my voice how ridiculous that assumption was. "We didn't even have royals! And if we had, I'd never be invited to dinner. I'd probably be one of the servants." Technically, I was in jail, so a servant would be an upgrade.

"Well then, for a peasant you were very good." How could he joke at such a dire time?! He sat beside me on the bed and kissed me, and I could feel all my muscles loosening, and my mind relaxing. "Wait here, and keep your eyes closed." Great. Another surprise.

A few moments later he came back. I heard him closing the door behind him. He walked up to me and said "Open your eyes." What I saw before me was the one thing more surprising than finding out there were humans on earth. Lincoln knelt before me, holding a diamond ring in his hands. "Will you marry me?"

What?! What?! "Lincoln I.. I don't know what to say.."

"Say yes." If only it were that simple.

"We haven't known each other for nearly enough time... What does marriage even mean with you guys?" After learning that when you greet someone here, instead of a hand shake you do some sort of curtsy, I realized that nothing should be take for granted, and even things that seemed very stupid could be true to them. Then a terrifying thought came to my mind. "What does it mean to be married to a prince?"

"Relax," He said. My nervousness must've shown on my face. "Everything's alright, okay? You don't have to answer right away. It's just you and me."

That calmed me down a bit but I was still very confused. "Why are you bringing this up all of the sudden?"

"I didn't want to tell you, because you deserve a romantic proposal. But I guess you need to hear it to understand. My mother is sick."

"I'm so sorry," I said, waiting for him to explain what it has to do with me.

"It's been like that for a while but things got worse. And since my father is long gone and I'm the oldest son, I'm the one who's going to take the throne."

"You're going to be the king of the grounders?"

"Yes. And my mother, being the control freak the she is, wants me to marry before that happens. She says a king with a queen by his side seems stronger, and represents hope. That's actually what this dinner was about. She wanted to meet you before I do this."

"Did she approve?" I was too dumbfounded by what he was telling me to think about anything more complex than that.

"Not really," He said, with the beautiful smile of his, that said he was very embarrassed to admit that, but also couldn't expect anything else. "But once I explained the strategic advantages to have a queen from sky kru, she changed her mind." He got up and sat next to me. "When I told her just how much I loved you, and how sure I was that you'd make a great queen for the grounders, she finally agreed."

"Me? A queen? Are you kidding me?"

"No, Octavia. You're smart, and passionate, and you'd do whatever it takes to help your people. Speaking of which, it'll be good for them too. You can make sure that there's long lasting peace with us."

"I don't know Lincoln.. It's a very big decision."

"I love you, Octavia. I'm sure that even though I haven't known you for so long, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Do you feel differently?"

"No, of course not. I wanna stay with you for the rest of my life. "

He took the ring out of the tiny box that held it and reached his hand out to me. "Then let's make it official."

I wasn't sure that that was such a great idea. I wasn't sure that I even wanted to be queen. But I did know that saying yes would mean being with Lincoln for the rest of my life, and keeping my people safe for as long as I'm alive. So, after not nearly enough thought, I said: "Yes, I'll marry you." I felt a broad smile creeping up on my face, one that mirrored his. He gently put the ring on my finger and then he kissed me, expressing more happiness than I thought one kiss could hold. We broke apart and I smiled at him, the reality of what I'd just done becoming clear to me. "I'm going to be a queen.."

"And an amazing one." He kissed the top of my head and got up. "I'm gonna tell my mother you agreed, so we can start preparing for the wedding."

"I need to tell my brother. That's not gonna be easy news for him to accept."

"Come back as soon as you can."

"Why?" I asked, wondering what could be so urgent right then?

"Because I'll miss you." He left the room and closed the door behind him.

In spite of myself, I got excited. Whether it was the royalty awaiting me, or the life with Lincoln, I let myself get carried away. I got out and found my horse, then rode as fast as I could to Arkadia. I couldn't wait to tell Bellamy the news.

BPOV

Just when everything in my life was finally okay. Just when I thought that there might be hope for a normal life in this place. Octavia drops that bomb on me and then runs along to be with her new fiance. I looked for the one thing that seemed to make sense. The one thing that I could always count on. I found her in the infirmary, helping a kid with a scratched knee. I came just when she finished, so I just grabbed her by the hand and pulled her out of there and to a our tent.

"You are not gonna believe this!" She sat on the ground, and gestured me to sit next to her. I was to upset to sit down, so I started pacing back and forth. Ever since we got back we got a new, bigger tent, that had enough room to pace in it. "Octavia is going to marry Lincoln! Can you imagine that? Octavia moving to live with the grounders. As a queen no less. They've just met!" I knew that was an exaggeration, but I had a point! Right?

"Isn't Lyanna the queen? Did something happen to her?"

"That's what bothers you out of everything I said?! Apparently she's sick, so very soon Lincoln will be king, and Octavia will be queen." I looked at her, expecting to see some sort of disbelief, but she was nonchalant. "How can you be so calm about this?"

"Because I understand her. If I had the chance to live with you for the rest of my life, I'd do it without thinking twice. And if I'm saving my people too? What could be better than that?"

I sat down beside her, too obsessed with proving to her how wrong this was to actually acknowledge that she'd practically said yes to my non existing proposal. "You can't possibly compare what we have with what they have. He's a grounder for god's sake! And what does Octavia know about being a queen?!"

"I disagree. When I escorted her to meet Lincoln in the woods they seemed just as in love as we are now. Maybe even more since they have this whole Romeo and Juliet thing going on. Besides, Lyanna will teach her everything she needs to know."

"This is insane! How can you not see that?!"

"Because I'm not a protective older brother. And I know Lincoln. He's a good man, Bellamy. He's gonna treat her well. He truly loves her."

I sat beside her, hoping that some of her positiveness would run off on me. "I really hope you're right."

"Don't worry, Bellamy. It was your job to keep her safe and happy. You did it. Congratulations. She's gonna be safe and very, very happy."

I held her hand and tilted my head back, trying to run this through my head again. Maybe in the hundredth time it would seem normal. Then something I hadn't noticed before popped in my head. I turned to Clarke and asked: "Romeo and Juliet? Really?"

"Of course. He's the enemy, and her big bad brother doesn't approve.. Classy."

I raised my eyebrow as unholy thoughts started to fill my mind.

"So should I go fight your mom or something?" I said as I started to kiss her neck softly.

"Nah." She pushed me so that I lay on my back, and then put her face very, very close to mine. "I think I'm good."

I turned her around so that I was on top and started kissing her. This wasn't one of our calm, sweet kisses. This was urgent and passionate and I felt every inch of my skin burning as she touched it. Being with her felt a thousand times better than anyone else I've ever been with, And I've had some fun nights.

I pulled down the strap of her bra, and kissed her shoulder, through the neck and all the way up to her cheek. Then our lips locked again. Was this it? I couldn't believe that I was so close to being with the woman I loved most in this world for the first time. I sat up, breaking our kiss, and she looked at me, puzzled.

"Is everything alright?" She asked.

"Yeah, just.. Are you sure? I don't wanna rush into anything. I want you to feel ready."

She sat up and held my hand. "I love you. So much. And you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. I'm more than ready."

I gave her another deep, consuming kiss before zipping the inner zipper of the tent (which was as close to locking it as we could manage). "I love you too," I said as I went back to kissing her. I let her touch drive everything else away from my mind. Everything but her.

CPOV

I never understood the girls that came out of Bellamy's tent each night. What could be so good that they'd be willing to sleep with someone who didn't care about them at all? But right then, I did understand. Just like kissing, sleeping with Bellamy was way better than with Wells. I just loved him more. And he was very, very good. He knew exactly what he was doing. That was great, but it also made me feel kind of insecure. I never felt comfortable not being good at something, and the fact that he possibly enjoyed with someone else more than with me drove me nuts. I didn't really know what I was doing, and he had much more experience than I had. Much, much more.

We cuddled in bed, and I snuggled against him as he ran his fingers back and forth along my arm, barely touching. He wore a satisfied smile on his face, and gave me a sidelong glance once in a while. Did I make it too obvious that I enjoyed? I waited enough time to let the oxygen get back to his brain before talking.

"How was it?" I asked it as if it was a naive question and there weren't any insecurities behind it.

"Amazing," He said, and kissed the top of my head. "I'm with you, how could it be anything less?" That was good, and it made me feel warm all over, but it wasn't exactly what I was looking for.

"Would you say it was your best?" I tried to make that sound innocent but he saw right through it.

He raised his eyebrow, like he does wen he realizes something that amuses him, tilted my face up towards his and kissed me. "By far. No other time even comes close." He paused for a couple of seconds. "You must think I'm such a slut." I recognized that tone. It meant he was joking, but there was something deeper behind it.

"No.." I said sarcastically. I loved him very much, but he used to sleep with so many girls, I thought slut was an understatement. Not that there was anything wrong with that. Like Bellamy often said, he can do whatever the hell he wants, with whomever the hell he wants.

"Does it bother you?" He said, his voice becoming more serious, and the doubt in his eyes reminding my of how I felt a couple of seconds ago.

"Of course not. I knew what I was getting into."

"For what it's worth, there wasn't any girl who was as beautiful, and smart, and amazing as you are."

That made me smile inside, but seemed a bit strange too. "Really? You've never had anyone you cared for before me?"

"Just like you said with Wells. I loved her, but not nearly as much as I love you."

"Tell me about her."

"Her name is Emily."

I got up with a start, shocked at how the dots connected. "Emily? Matt's Emily?"

He sat up too. "How do you even know about that?"

"Octavia told me about it. She didn't mention that you were together."

"I don't think she knew. We kept it a secret because I wasn't allowed to visit them, or make any contact with them." He paused, and I thought he ran everything that happened with her through his mind. "I was such an idiot. After that night every time I tried to touch her she'd flinch. She couldn't look me in the eye. I thought she just didn't love me anymore and ended things with her. I didn't realize that Matt..-" He stopped himself as he realized that it might be a sensitive subject for me to talk about. Simultaneously, he got mad just thinking about him.

"It's okay," I said and put my hand over his. I tried to change the subject. "What was she in for?"

"Minor theft. But since she was such a genius at school, they pardoned her at the review."

"Oh. I thought she was floated. Is she here?"

"Yeah, she came back with the rest of the ark. I actually went to apologize to her after that night with Matt... I just realized how wrong I was."

"How long ago was it?

"A couple weeks before we went to the ground."

So, to summarize, just before we got here Bellamy had a girlfriend whom he loved, from whom he'd broken up with for the wrong reasons, and who was there with us. Wells' question popped in my mind, and before thinking the better of it, I said it. "Would you two have stayed together if that hadn't happened?"

"Possibly, yeah. We were a good couple."

I wasn't a jealous person. I wasn't a possessive or controlling person. But that made me feel.. bad. And even a little sad. I refused to believe I was jealous, even though it felt awfully like it. I wasn't a petty person, but I couldn't control myself when I spoke next.

"Well, now that you know that truth, you can go be with her. I won't be mad." That was a lie. I'd be outraged. "I mean, you shouldn't have broken up. Now you can fix that mistake."

He looked at me for a couple of seconds, in both disbelief and amusement. Then he laughed. What the hell did he find so funny?!

"Are you jealous?"

"No!" I said, and even I heard how false that denial sounded.

He cupped my cheek, and tried to hide his smile as he said "How could someone so smart be afraid of something so stupid?" I had to admit, that was a little insulting. But what he said later made up for it. "As if there's any girl, or anything for that matter, in this world that could make me break up with you."

I decided to stop thinking about what would have happened if. This was the way things were, and I was damn happy with how things turned out.

We lay back down, the way we were before, and I still heard him chuckle to himself.

"It's really not that funny." I was serious. It wasn't.

"If you could see it through my eyes, you'd understand. To me it's ridiculous that anyone on this planet could make you feel threatened. I mean.. You're you. There's a better chance of hell freezing over than of me choosing someone else over you."

That did it. I kissed him, and that cocky attitude of his was replaced by something else. He stopped trying to hide his smile, and looking at me like a cute little girl who got her answer wrong. Instead, tightened his hold on me, and I enjoyed every second of that euphoric state with him.

One thought hadn't occurred to me. I've never realized that it was the calm before the storm.


	16. Tomorrow Night

**This chapter was a little hard to write from one point of view, so I decided to write it from no one's point of view. Enjoy :)**

* * *

NPOV - NO POINT OF VIEW

It's been two weeks since Lincoln and Octavia got engaged. Clarke and Bellamy were there as guests, and Abby and Kane were there as the leadership of sky kru. Other than that, no people from Arkadia came to the wedding. Since Lyanna's health was deteriorating, they had to hurry with the wedding. It was important for Lincoln that she's there, and it was important for political stability that everyone saw she gave her blessing. After all, marrying an enemy was not something that happened everyday. Then again, until sky kru had landed, there weren't really any enemies to marry.

They had to rush through the wedding plans, and it showed. The decorations were beautiful, but there was nothing too out of the ordinary. They had to make all of them in two weeks, so sophisticated sculptors and paintings were out of the question. They didn't have vows to read, since that wasn't customary at grounder weddings, and the ritual itself had nothing special in it. The food was great though, everyone agreed on that.

The one outstanding thing at their wedding was the bride. Octavia was beautiful and radiant in her wedding dress, no doubt happy to begin the rest of her life. The groom seemed to be busy with all sorts of politic and financial problems, but whenever he looked at his future bride, his features seemed to soften, and his mind seemed to be far away in the future.

Then came the reception. People danced, and drank a lot of wine. Everyone enjoyed themselves. Lincoln and Octavia joined to take their first dance as a married couple. Lincoln was very good at it, and he should've been. He'd been practicing since he was a child. Lyanna felt that it was important for a prince to know that. Octavia, on the other hand, had no idea what she was doing, whatsoever. But whatever she did, she did it with grace and sophistication. That, combined with Lincoln's skill, let him lead her in a way that made them look like a true prince and princess.

"I can't believe this is actually happening.." She said, giddy with excitement. "We're getting married!"

"Yeah, I know," he said, charmed by her adorable reaction to the wedding.

"Do you think your people will accept me?"

"They won't riot. We made sure of that by having my mother at the wedding. But they won't love you like they did her. They'll obey you because they have to, not because they believe in you. But over time, you'll win them over. I'm sure you'll be a great queen, and everyone will see that."

That seemed to satisfy her, even though it was clear she was terrified by the idea of running a kingdom. And of grounders, no less. People of whom she knew very little. But having Lincoln at her side reassured her, and gave her the courage to face that challenge.

On the other side of the room, Clarke was dancing with Bellamy. All the nervousness and resistance he displayed when he got the news about the engagement seemed to dissolve, and he was just happy to see his sister happy. And Clarke was happy to see him happy. Everyone was very happy. That terrified Clarke. She had so much to lose, they all had. And having gone such a long time without any war to win, or someone to save, only strengthened the feeling inside her that something bad was about to happen. She decided to face it when she got to it. There's no point in worrying over something you can't help. After running all possible scenarios through her mind and finding no problem that could and needed to be addressed, she turned her attention to Bellamy.

"How are you?" She asked, wanting to make sure that he was as okay with everything as he looked.

"I'm fine. It's weird, you know? Giving her away like that. When I was pardoned I thought that meant we'd be together from now on."

"She's not really that far away and you can always come visit. This isn't goodbye for you guys. It's just the beginning of a new.. Era."

He laughed at her poor choice of words, focusing for the first time on her and not on his sister. "Have I told you yet how beautiful you look?" She looked down and blushed, surprised by the sudden endearment.

"Thanks," She whispered under her breath, in an almost inaudible voice.

Bellamy spun her around, then back to him. Like Lincoln, he was another example of men knowing how to dance better than the women they were with. Only Clarke, unlike Octavia, also knew how to dance. Just not as good as him.

A few minutes later, Bellamy went to Lincoln and Octavia. He gave Lincoln the talk about how he can never hurt his little sister, and that he was responsible for her safety and well being. Octavia did not appreciate being treated like an object, moving from one owner to another. Nor did she appreciate being treated as something that needed taking care of. She could take care of herself just fine. She walked away, and Bellamy shook Lincoln's hand. There was no anger in that shake. There was respect, and a recognition of a true friend, on both sides. Octavia, in spite of them, went to Clarke and Lexa, who were engaged in a very heated discussion by then. Their discussion revolved around which one of them was prettier, each one promoting the other.

Octavia told them what happened, and they all looked at Bellamy and Lincoln, in a way that left no doubt. These three were going to make the men's life miserable until they understood that Octavia had a mind of her own and made her own decisions. And she didn't need to be taken care of or kept safe. Lincoln and Bellamy started exchanging war plans about how to face the girls' wrath.

"Well, she's your problem now," Said Bellamy, and with that joke and a pat on the shoulder, he ended the conversation and turned to return to Clarke. But when he looked for her, she wasn't anywhere to be seen. Neither was Octavia, Abby, or Kane. Lincoln didn't know about their whereabouts either.

Meanwhile, Sinclair had arrived at the castle with troubling news. He asked to talk to the people from Arkadia, so all of them, except for Bellamy, gathered in a discussion room, which was empty at the time of the wedding, of course.

"I organized the things we might need to build a car, to make movement around here easier. Anyways, I happened to find an old radiometer. I was about to throw it out when I noticed it didn't show the amount we'd expect. It showed a little bit more. I took a group of people and we did some testing. We took the ground, and the water and looked for any qualities in them that might seem suspicious. It's a good thing the main computer in Mecha station stayed in one piece. Anyways, it seems that there's another wave of radiation coming."

"What?" Exclaimed Clarke. "I thought the earth was safe. That's how we've been here for so long."

"Do you remember what they said at the beginning, when the bombs came? They said that it'd take two hundred years for the earth to be safe. Not one. They must've predicted that even after the radiation from the bombs lessened, there'd still be another wave. It's source is something too complicated to explain right now, it has to do with all kinds of radiation soaked substances that remained underground and are now ready to explode. I can't believe we didn't think of this sooner. But it is coming, and there's no way to stop it."

The people in the room were shocked by this revelation. Clarke quickly came to her senses, and addressed the matter at hand.

"How much time do we have?"

"It'll happen tomorrow night. We have this evening and all day tomorrow."

"That's not nearly enough time!" Said Octavia. The fear in her voice was clear to everyone else.

At that point, Bellamy came in. They quickly explained the situation to him.

Abby was the first one to come up with an idea. "What about mount weather?"

"There are people there," countered Clarke. "We can't just kill them all, and we definitely can't live with them. And we only have one day." That suggestion was quickly dismissed by everyone.

"There's a bunker" Kane said suddenly, and everyone turned their attention to him. "It was supposed to hold about 1200 people. I don't think anyone's used it since the war."

"That's good," said Bellamy. "We could all go in there."

"Wait," Octavia interrupted. "What about the grounders? We can't just abandon them."

"We can and we will," Answered Bellamy. "It's our bunker, we thought of it. Should we let our own people die so they can survive?"

"Why should they die just because they were born on earth?" Asked Clarke, calmly challenging his views. "That's not right."

"We can't let our own people die, Clarke. That's insanity."

"It's justice," said Octavia. "I'm with Clarke."

Bellamy was about to protest further when Lincoln came in.

"What's justice?" He asked. They told him everything they talked about, leaving out Bellamy's suggestion.

"How long will it last?" He asked.

"I assume that about three years. Five at most."

"The bunker should be enough," Confirmed Kane.

"Wait!" Exclaimed Sinclair, as an idea popped in his head. "Originally, when the drop ship was built, it was supposed to go to earth and then fly back. The people on it were meant to gather samples of the ground and plants, and bring it back for exploration. We can launch and connect it to the earth monitoring station." It was the only part of the ark that stayed in space.

"So you didn't send us to die?" Asked Clarke hopefully.

"If the earth was toxic it would've killed everyone eventually, even if you'd come back to the ark. Once you've been exposed it would've been too late," Explained Abby.

"That's true, but mechanically speaking, you could've come back. We can."

"Okay, so that's it then. We send a hundred people up, that's about ten percent of our population. I think the percentage is similar for the grounders. It's fair."

Lincoln nodded in agreement.

"I'll stay with you," Octavia said to Lincoln, but it was Bellamy who responded.

"What?! Octavia, that's insane. You're one of us, you need to come with us."

"I'm the queen of the grounders. If I'm not there when Lincoln becomes king they're gonna force him to marry and have kids with someone else."

Lincoln didn't want to respond, but what Octavia said was true. He hated to even consider it. But he'd have to have heirs, for the stability of the kingdom.

"No.. Octavia please." Bellamy realized by then that aggressiveness wouldn't work. He just begged her to stay. He, like Lincoln, didn't want to think of a life without her.

"I'm so sorry, Bellamy. But it's just a couple of years." Bellamy let out a sigh of desperation.

"I can't convince you, can I?"

Her answer came in the form of a hug, and Bellamy treasured every second of it. Knowing that he'll have to say goodbye to her.

"How do we choose?"asked Abby, after long moments of silence. "How do we decide who gets to live?"

"We choose the people who are most likely to help the human race survive. Engineers, doctors," Answered Kane.

"What about leaders?" Asked Octavia.

"And musicians," added Clarke. "We don't want music to go extinct."

Abby was the one to conclude. "We'll make a list. We'll have time to think it through."

"We can't just get whoever we want and leave their families to die. They won't come, or they'll rebel once we get to the ark."

"We'll split it," said Lincoln, who faced the same problem. "Half will be assigned by their potential contribution to the human society. Half will be random."

"Then they won't be mad," confirmed Bellamy. "They'll come, but they won't blame us. I mean, they'll understand the situation and that some people have to do die. Maybe this way they'll agree to cooperate."

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"It's settled then. Lincoln, you and Octavia are responsible for the grounders. You also need to check that bunker and see if you can stay there. Sinclair, you need to make the drop ship ready for launch. Us three," She meant her, Abby, and Bellamy, "will make the list. We have a day, let's make it count."

And so the wedding ended early and everyone turned to do what they were told.


	17. The Death Wave

BPOV

It's been a day since we heard the awful news. Lincoln had found the bunker and confirmed that it can hold 1200 people. Sinclair readied the drop ship for launch and discovered that some satellite dish needed configuring, so I went to do it. I just typed something in on a tower with a plate and came back. It's a good thing Sinclair found that bug, because otherwise we wouldn't have found earth monitoring station. All that we needed to finish was the list.

We've been working on that all day, and Abby and I needed a break, so we left for a walk outside. I thought it couldn't hurt to bond with Clarke's mother. Besides, Clarke didn't want a break. She had to finish it. Our talk was nice, light and easy. We didn't discuss anything serious.

"I'm done," Clark declared as we came back. "I finished the list." Both Abby and I looked over it, and we both found the same mistake.

Abby corrected her. "You have one too many, Clarke."

"I have fifty. I's what we agreed on."

"You forgot yourself," I said. The silence that followed and Clarke's determined look conveyed a message that I strongly rejected. "No, Clarke. No way." She didn't forget. She chose not to put herself on the list. "You're coming with us."

"I can't. I can't just decide that I get to live because I'm the one who made the list. It's not fair."

"You're coming with us," I started, stating that as a fact so that she realized there was no other option. "because you're a leader. You're smart and charismatic and you always do the right thing and you never give up. We're gonna need people like you."

"I'm sorry, Bellamy. I can't take someone else's place. I can't choose my own life over someone else's. Besides, it's already done. This is just a copy." She referred to the list she showed us. "I gave Kane the original one, he already started making arrangements and announcing the fifty lucky people who get to live." That last part was filled with bitterness and resentment.

I understood that she felt that was wrong. One of the things I loved about her was her selflessness. But I didn't share it. I wasn't selfless, and I wasn't going to lose Clarke. There was no way I was going to just let her die. It occurred to me that many people would have to make that sacrifice. They'd have to get on the drop ship, not knowing if their loved ones would come with them. And once the drop ship takes off, some of them will know that they've left their loved ones behind. And they were going to know it for the rest of their lives.

I quickly dismissed that thought. I knew many people would have to bare that burden. But Clarke has done more than anyone else for us ever since we've landed. I didn't know how I'd justify my feelings if she hadn't. Then, I'd be just like all these people, and I would've been morally obligated to let Clarke have the same chance as everyone. On second thought, I would've found a reason. I would've found an excuse to get her on the drop ship. It wasn't right, and it wasn't moral. But it was me.

One look at Abby told me she felt exactly the same as I did. Which is why I was surprised by how things turned out. "Is that how you feel Clarke? Don't you think that in light of everything you've done, you've earned your spot on the drop ship?"

"No more than anyone else I didn't put on it."

"Okay then," She said, and continued to the surprise I was referring to. "Then it's your call. If that's how you feel, then we'll leave the list as it is."

"Thanks, mom."

"I'll tell Marcus that I approve of the list." Then she just left. Outraged, I walked out after her.

"Do you really think this is a good idea?! Are you going to let Clarke die?!"

"She made her choice, Bellamy. And no matter how hard it is for us to accept, We're never going to change her mind."

CPOV

I knew that Bellamy would never go along with it. Why would he? I wouldn't. So, I had a lot of convincing to do. I would never get on that drop ship. A few minutes after he stormed out of the room, he stepped in, and my mom seemed to have calmed him down. How did she do it? And why hadn't she taught me that? Regardless, there was still work to be done. And he confirmed as much when he spoke.

"What the hell, Clarke?" Yep. That seemed about right. "You know you should be on that drop ship. Just as much as any of the other 49 people who you thought did deserve to live."

"Bellamy, I'm sorry, but I can't. I can't decide that I get to live. It's not fair."

"Then let me decide it. I'm gonna be the one to put you on that list.

"No. It's not about who writes it. It's about the fact that I don't think I deserve it more than all these people who are going to die."

There was sadness in his voice when his spoke. "You think you deserve to die?"

"No. But neither do they. That's the world we live in right now. And I don't wanna live knowing that I'm doing so at the expense of someone else."

"What about everyone else? The other 49, how can they live knowing that?"

"Because they were chosen. They didn't choose. I bare it, so they don't have to."

He walked up to me and hugged me, which I really didn't see coming. I thought for sure he'd be so angry he'd just flip the table and storm out. Then he kissed the top of my head. "I wish you didn't feel this way." He gave me one last squeeze, and left.

That's it? Something was so weird about him. He never gave up on me like that, not without a fight. But this time he wasn't fighting any enemies. He was fighting me. Maybe he deserved more credit than I gave him. Maybe he was willing to make that sacrifice to honor my wishes. And I knew how big a sacrifice I were to him. But I couldn't help it. Someone would have to feel that way. Someone would have to leave a loved one behind. I hated for Bellamy to be that person, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find any moral justification to spare him that pain at the cost of forcing someone else to experience it. So I accepted the hard truth. I was going to die, and the people I love were going to suffer my loss. And there was nothing my conscious would let me do about it.

We had a couple more hours until take off. The 50 lucky, random people were chosen. Some gave up on their place, making us choose more random people. They couldn't bare to leave their families. At last, we created a final list of the people who were to board the drop ship, and live to see another day. All that was left was to say goodbye. People stopped working, and preparing for the trip. Everything was ready. Everyone just went to find a quiet place to say goodbye to everyone they cared about. Well, everyone except me. My mom and Bellamy were nowhere to be found. I figured Bellamy must be talking to Octavia, and I had no idea where my mom was. Searching for her, I ran into Wells. Despite everything that had happened between us, he was still my best friend.

I started talking to him, and that goodbye became sadder and sadder by the second. I couldn't imagine doing that with my mom. Or Bellamy. That'd be the hardest thing I ever had to do. I pushed that thought away, deciding that there's no point in getting sad just thinking about it. Wells and I finished our conversation, and with nothing better to do, I went to my tent.

I would've gone to sleep, but I had to see Bellamy. I had to see how he'd excuse not coming to say goodbye to me. I wasn't even talking about my mom, for whom I couldn't think of a single reason not to be there at that time. When he did come in, he did not look like I expected. Something was troubling him, that's for sure, but it didn't seem like grief or fear. It seemed more like nervousness or even guilt.

"Hey," I said, and got up. I wanted him to open up to me without me having to ask. I thought I'd earned that.

"Hi." He stood in front of me. "Still haven't changed your mind?"

"Did you ever think I would?"

He pulled me into a strong embrace, and finally something about his reaction to this made sense. "Listen, Bellamy, I wanted to..-"

He cut me off. "No. We are not doing this. We're not having this.. Goodbye."

That was a surprise. "Isn't there anything you want to say to me?"

He looked me in the eyes for a couple of seconds, probably imagining the horrible moment in which I'd die. "I can't." He rubbed his face with his hands, and brushed his hair back. "I can't do this with you. I just can't." He left, and I was too shocked to follow him. I realized this was hard but is that how he wanted to leave things between us? Did he think that since I'm gonna be dead in a couple of hours, then none of it even mattered?

Well, he wasn't dying, and it mattered to me. I sat down and started writing to him everything I wanted to tell him. He might not have seen it back then, but he'd regret missing the last chance he had to talk to me. I wanted to spare him some of the regret by at least telling him what my side of the conversation would be. When I finished I put it in the pocket of his coat, the one I knew he was planning to take with him. If he ended up not taking it, it would be god's cruel joke. Just as I put the coat down my mother came in. She, like Bellamy, just came in and hugged me. But unlike him, she whispered in my ear. "I'm sorry, Clarke. I hope one day you'll realize that this is for your own good." Then she stuck a needle in my neck, just like she did when she had to get me on the drop ship the first time, back on the ark. Everything went black, as an awful realization hit me. I was going to take someone's life, despite of my wishes. My mother forced it on me.

BPOV

All the time we prepared for launching, I kept looking nervously at the seat to my right. Clarke was there, and I dreaded what would happen if she woke up before we took off. We had to sedate her a few hours before that because they wanted to pack all the medicine we might need, including the sedatives we used on her. We didn't find a way to stop it without revealing our plan, so we decided to take a chance, and hope that she wouldn't wake up while were on the ground.

my mind went back to my conversation with Abby.

"Do you really think this is a good idea?! Are you going to let Clarke die?!"

"She made her choice, Bellamy. And no matter how hard it is for us to accept, We're never going to change her mind."

I was about to respectfully and very aggressively disagree when she continued. "Which is why we have to make that choice for her. I'll tell Kane not to include the 50th person. We're gonna bring her on that drop ship whether she likes it or not. But don't take any part in it. She'll hate whoever does this and we only need her to hate one of us."

Relief flooded me as I took in what she said. I trusted her to take care she of everything. She wouldn't let Clarke die any more than I would. But something did bother me. This was supposed to be Clarke's choice. And if we decided for her and she got so mad, then should we even do it?

I told Abby about my concerns and she brushed it off. "I know her. She wishes she could do this without feeling guilty for the rest of her life. She wants to live and she doesn't want you and I to suffer her loss. Her conscience won't let her, but if she doesn't know about anything and we force her to be on the drop ship..."

She didn't need to complete that sentence. That felt like backwards logic to me. Like the kind I used to love when we first got here. The one that got Clarke so mad at me. But this was her mom, and she knew her better than I did. Like I said before, I trusted her.

Abby went to talk to Kane about our plan. From the way he looked at her the past couple of days, and specifically when she wore that dress to the wedding, I assumed she could easily convince him to get on board. Besides, he admired Clarke just as much as any of us.

I went back to the room. Clarke was waiting for me there, obviously preparing for a fight. If I hadn't known about our plan, she probably would've gotten one. But I had to make it look convincing.

My mind went back to the present, on the drop ship. I was still worried. I wouldn't stop worrying until we were safely off the ground and she had no where to run to. She'd hate Abby for it, and possibly me too, but it was worth it if she gets to live. I felt a little guilty for letting Abby take the fall instead of me, but I wanted Clarke by my side so bad that I was willing to live with that guilt. I wouldn't even consider the alternative.

Clarke suddenly opened her eyes and woke up with a start. It didn't take long for her to realize what happened. We were so close. I couldn't let anything mess it up. "Calm down," I said, before she even let a word out of her mouth. "There's nothing to be done about it. The doors are closed. Leaving wouldn't give anyone else a chance to live."

The frantic look in her eyes disappeared as she accepted that she couldn't save anyone. That there was nothing for her to do. Instead, her eyes got wet, and it sounded as if she was about to cry. "How could you..? How could you force me to do this?"

"It was my fault." Abby's intervention saved me from having to lie to Clarke. "It was my idea, and I executed it. He only found out a few minutes ago." I was grateful for how many lies she'd just told to protect me. I knew she did it for Clarke. It was important to her that Clarke had someone to rely on. Someone she can trust. But I was still thankful. I was also bothered by the fact that I didn't deserve that trust.

"Screw that." I couldn't remember the last time I heard Clarke curse. Had she ever? "He's been acting so strange, of course he knew, it all makes sense now! How could you?! I thought you two were the closest people in the world to me, and you make me do something that I specifically said I'd rather die than do?!"

When she put it like that it sounded really bad. Truth be told, it was bad. And we underestimated her, thinking that she wouldn't find out. We were about to start arguing when Sinclair came.

"Bellamy, did you configure the satellite like I told you to?"

"Yeah."

"Why?" Asked Abby, alarm in her voice. "Is something wrong?"

"Yes, very wrong. We don't have any connection to the earth monitoring station, and the only thing I could think of was that satellite. Did you do exactly what I told you?"

"Yes, I put the right name where I should have."

"And did you notice any changes?"

"No, should I have?!" I didn't care if everyone heard how scared I was. There was I chance we were all going to die because of me.

"The plate should've moved towards the satellite. The one you put the name into. Did it?"

"I don't think so.. Why didn't you tell me that it should have?!"

"I didn't think there'd be a reason for the tower to malfunction but it obviously did. Someone has to go there and do it manually. But they'd had barely enough time to make it back.

"I'll go," I said "this is all my fault anyways."

No one argued, and we all went to the door. I noticed then for the first time that Clarke was gone. I didn't know where, and it didn't matter. Or, rather, I thought it didn't. Raven, who stood at the door after locking it, proved me otherwise.

"Let me out. I need to fix the connection to the satellite."

"Clarke's already on it."

It felt like the sky came crushing down on me. Clarke went outside to fix my mistake, and could stay behind because of it? Clarke could die? "Open the doors. I wanna go with her."

"There's no point in that." The calmness in his voice failed to affect me.

"I don't care, I'm not letting her do that alone."

"There's nothing you can do to help her. All you'll gain by going outside now is either nothing, or dying."

"I don't care, let me through!" I could't think logically at that point. Words were meaningless. I had to help her. Raven kept the doors locked and Sinclair kept me from trying to force it open.

"She made me promise not to let you out, Bellamy. I'm not gonna break that promise." Of course Clarke made Raven promise that. Somehow she managed to think of me in all that insanity.

Abby's hand on my shoulder was the only thing that managed to restrain me. Not by force, but by the realization that if Abby can hold it together and stay inside, and I need to do so too. They saw that I calmed down, and Raven left for a second and came back with a radio.

"You can talk to her," she said and gave it to me. I didn't waste another second. Sinclair went to make final preparations for take off, and Raven, Abby and I followed him into the cockpit.

"Clarke?" It seemed as if nothing else was going on in the world. I didn't listen to anything around me. Only to the static noise coming from the radio, as I waited for her voice to replace it.

"What?"

"Are you okay?" I didn't know what else to ask.

"I'm on my way." I heard her panting through the radio. Good. She was running. Maybe she could make it back after all.

"Keep going, honey." That was Abby. "Run fast and get here, okay? No one else would be saved if you're left behind like this."

"Don't worry, mom." Her voice was more irritated than nervous, which I took as a good sign. "I'm not gonna kill myself for nothing."

The next few minutes were the longest of my life. We had a monitor displaying Clarke's location in relations to us, much like the one we used against the mountain men. When Clarke got to the plate, Sinclair talked her through manually aiming the plate at the right satellite. Raven kept reading the time left until take off, and it felt like the walls were closing in on us. Clarke could make it, but she had no extra time. One delay and she wouldn't make it, and we'd have to take off. Sinclair said that we can't postpone or wait. The only way to give Clarke more time would be to restart the whole process, and by the time we finished that, the radiation would've killed all of us. So, with no other choice but to pray for her to make it, me and Abby sat and waited.

She was so close. She had one more minute, and just enough distance to cover in it to make it possible.

"You're almost there," I said, trying to motivate her to run even faster. "You're gonna make it if you give one last push."

"I'm trying," She said. "I'm running as fast as I..-" Her voice was cut off. We heard her outcry. The radio stopped transmitting. The red dot that represented her on the screen stopped moving.

"Clarke!" I practically yelled into the machine. "Clarke! What happened?! why did you stop?!" We didn't receive an answer.

"Clarke!" Abby tried. "Clarke get up! You have to get up." Time was running out. We wasted too much time. She wasn't going to make it.

We heard the radio go silent, which meant she transmitted. "I'm sorry." Her voice was small and weak, almost inaudible between all the static noises. "I tried."

"No! No! Clarke, keep running, you'll make it! Clarke just.." I felt my throat tighten as tears started to fall down my cheeks. "Just keep running."

I heard the engines starting to work, as we started to descend. "No! No!" I wasn't screaming at the radio. I was screaming to.. I didn't know who. I pounded on the doors and kept screaming, while seeing the earth, with Clarke on it, getting smaller and smaller. I didn't stop until we saw a huge wave of fire, expanding rapidly, slowly covering the face of the earth.

I fell on the floor, and saw Abby gasp and start to cry as well. She sat down beside me and hugged me. I buried my face in her strong embrace, as we both sobbed. Clarke was gone. We couldn't save her. She died on earth. We left her to die. And she died knowing that we betrayed her. And lied about it. I wouldn't even let her say goodbye. I didn't say goodbye. Everything I did and didn't do that day came back, in a horrible new light. I thought I didn't have to say goodbye because she'd live. And now she didn't. I was never going to see her again. I couldn't accept it. I couldn't. She couldn't be gone. This must all be a nightmare, I thought. I just needed to wake up. But I didn't. I've never woken up from that nightmare. I just lived it. I had to face the facts. I wasn't ready to, but I had to. Clarke was dead.


	18. May We Meet Again

CPOV

I woke up and looked around me. I saw nothing. Everything that I remembered from when I fell; the tower, the trees, the ground, even the bugs, all of it was gone. There was only sand. Yards and yards of sand. I stood up and tried to think about my next step. By then the drop ship must've taken off, and everyone else must've been in the bunker. Wait.

I survived the death wave. How the hell did that happen? Could anyone else have survived too? Everything that happened started coming back to me. The list. Waking up in the drop ship. The tower. I didn't know how long I was there, laying on the hot sand. I was very, very thirsty, but I didn't see any water around me. And considering the fact that there were no trees or hills to block my view, I saw a lot of ground. I decided my next step would be the bunker. They'd find a way to get me in without being exposed. But I didn't know where it was. I cursed myself for not asking Kane for a specific location. I thought that since we decided the grounders would take it, it didn't concern me. Who could've seen this coming?

My next option was a dangerous one, but I didn't have any choice. I had to find some water, or I'd die of dehydration. I decided to go to mount Weather. I knew what they might do to me. But I also knew that I'd rather face that than die. I also suspected that they could provide answers as to why I survived. I remembered vaguely where the mountain was, but getting there was a whole other matter. All the landmarks we used to have were gone. The trees, the rivers, the roads. I used the sun to find the west, and headed on that direction, as inaccurate as it may be. I figured that once I was close, I could find it using my memory, and extensive search.

And indeed I did. I found the door to the mountain, but it was shut. I tried knocking, yelling, and forcing it to open, but nothing happened. They either ignored me, or couldn't hear me.

"They're not answering," said the voice of a young girl. That scared the hell out of me, and I jumped and screamed. I looked around and saw a little girl standing there, trying and failing not to laugh, probably at me. She couldn't have been more than five years old. And she survived the death wave as well. I walked towards her and she backed away.

"Don't worry," I said. "I'm not gonna hurt you." She eyed me suspiciously, deciding what to do. I put my hands in the air, showing her that I wasn't holding any weapons, and took a few steps in her direction. "What's your name?"

"Maddie"

"How long have you been out here?"

"A day." So that's how long it's been.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"They said that there's about to be even more radiation outside, and gave us all bigger treatments than usual. My mom gave me something special, that was supposed to be stronger." My bone marrow. "She said Dr. Brown made that blood resistant to radiation."

When I was taken, they injected me with something. It seemed weird at the time. I thought they only needed my blood for themselves, why would they give me anything? Hearing this, I realized they've experimented on me. Knowing that everyone is going to get my bone marrow, they tried their anti-radiation drugs on me, to see how my body would accept it. Apparently, it worked. "Then they sounded the alarms. I was scared and I ran outside. Then they shut the door."

"Have you been here alone all this time?" For the first time since I saw her, I really looked at her. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. He stomach was growling. She nodded. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe they'd let a child of their own die here alone. I held her hand and looked in her eyes. I tried to use the most calming, reassuring voice I could.

"What your mom gave you is what saved you. And it saved me too. I don't think they're gonna open that door, to anyone. But that's okay. I'll take care of you. We'll have lots of fun, you and I. And maybe we'll meet other people who survived too. Okay?"

"I want my mom.." She said and burst into tears. I've never dealt with kids that age. I didn't know what to do.

"Me too." It's the only thing I could think of.

She wiped the tears and looked at me strangely. "You do? But you're big."

That made me laugh. "Everyone always want their mom. Especially when they're scared. But I think that you and I can be strong together. Do you?" She nodded. "Good. Then let's go find us something to drink." I got up and she held my hand. That surprised me, but I held onto it. I was going to keep her safe, I decided. No matter what.

BPOV

It's been a month, and I felt as bad as I did the first day it happened. Clarke was dead. Because of me.

I hadn't left my room that past month. I couldn't face anyone or anything. I didn't want to. Abby brought me meals that I rarely ate. It all tasted the same, and it tasted like crap. Not that it mattered. Good food wouldn't have made me feel better. Nothing would have.

All I did all day was sleep and think. I thought about Clarke, usually while looking at her picture. We found it there, along with pictures of the other ninety nine. I thought about the day we came to earth, when we first met. I both respected her and was extremely annoyed by her. She repeatedly ruined my plans, and always had a logical argument to back her up. I thought about the promise she made, to keep Octavia safe, and about our first trip to the bunker. I remembered how hard it was to focus on the rifle when she was so close to me. I thought about my capture, and her stupid plan to get me out. I thought about every stupid thing she did for Matt, all to avoid making me angry. I thought about her capture, and every excruciating second of being scared for her life. I thought about her return, and our first kiss. Our first time together. That only made things a million times worse. I thought about every light conversation I had with her that I could remember. Every kiss, every touch. I grasped at any shred of memory from the precious time I had with her.

Then I got to the wedding, and that's when I stopped. I never wanted to think about what happened after the wedding.

Because then I'd have to think about everything I'd done to her. I disregarded her own will and decided, along with Abby, that I knew better than her. I spent our last hours on earth in planning how to bring her to the drop ship, or just avoiding her altogether. I didn't want to say goodbye, because I thought it would be too hard, and I'd see her the next day anyways. What an idiot. Mostly, I didn't want to think about how she died because of me. If I'd done what needed to be done at the tower, she wouldn't have gotten out. She would have been with me.

No matter how hard I tried, I still kept coming back to that, and it killed me every time. It all came down to one thought. Clarke was dead. Because of me.

The state I was in couldn't be described with words. Depressed, agonized, lonely, guilty.. All of these words, and any other word I could find, were understatements. The right word to describe what I was feeling didn't exist. The emptiness inside me was unfathomable. The darkness that I could see through the windows, stretching for endless light years in every direction, didn't match the darkness of the void that Clarke had left in me. My body felt like it had dried up, but one look at her picture always managed to squeeze another tear out. I always knew that I loved her, but I never realized just how much it'd hurt to lose her.

Sometimes I'd dream about her. And even the dreams in which we fought and screamed were better than reality. I'd rather that she hate me and never talk to me again than losing her forever. I would have done anything to not lose her, but that choice wasn't up to me anymore. I tried finding comfort in the fact that she knew I loved her, and that I did everything I could to keep her happy and safe. But that comfort never lasted because deep down I knew that wasn't true. I didn't know how she felt last night, when I didn't come to say goodbye. How could I be sure that she knew how much I loved her? As for keeping her safe and happy, I ignored what she wanted, and ended up getting her killed. So much for that.

My mind was a loop of endless torment in every way it could think of. The worst times were the times I imagined what if. All the things I wanted to say to her, but never got the chance. Like all the things I loved about her. All the insecurities she had that I found so charming and she found so repelling. All the things I should've done differently. I should've bugged her non-stop about Matt until she told me everything, and then I'd forgive her, and he wouldn't have done what he did. And she wouldn't have been kidnapped. There were so many things I wanted us to do together, and we'd never have a chance.

Small things, like me teaching her how to dance, and her telling me about medicine, or the stupid things she did when she was young. And also big things, like asking her to marry me, and having a small wedding, just like I knew she'd always wanted. Building a house. Having kids. I knew these things were over the top, we've never even brought them up. But I just knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, even if we didn't have a ring to prove it. And I had a feeling she felt the same. That brought up her agreement to my theoretical proposal, when we talked about Octavia and Lincoln getting married. I remembered her exact words: "If I had the chance to live with you for the rest of my life, I'd do it without thinking twice." I felt pain in my chest, greater than any blade cutting through me, or bone marrow being taken. I could've had that with her. And I never will. The tears burst out, and I hadn't even tried to stop them.

Clarke was dead. Because of me. I'd never hear her talk about some boring thing she read at the library on the ark one time, that made her so excited you could've seen her eyes glisten. I'd never hear her laugh, that was so rare and so sweet. I'd never get to see her roll her eyes when someone explains what she already understands, and I'd never see her forehead wrinkling as she tries to solve a puzzle. I'd never hold her hand. I'd never run my fingers through her soft, silky, blonde hair. I'd never get lost in those beautiful blue eyes of hers.

I'd never hold her close to me, knowing that we could be like that forever if we want to. I'd never kiss her, and feel her soft hand brushing against my arm. I'd never tell her I love her. If I knew the last time I did all those things that it'd be the last time, I would've engraved every detail about her into my memory. I would've made it last. But even if I did, it wouldn't have made my miserable situation any easier. And thinking about all those things I'd never get to do was like someone was pulling my heart out and crushing it a million times over. I felt the pain in every inch of my body, as if I were on fire. And it never stopped.

The one thing that kept me going was Octavia. I knew I'd see her in five years. I knew I just had to pass the time until then, but that seemed impossible. Every day felt like a year. A little voice in me said that I couldn't expect time to go by when all I did was sit around and mope about Clarke. But I couldn't bring myself to do any better.

That day, a month after the death wave, Abby entered my room. She held a plate with food, as usual, but her expression was different. She seemed determined, and slightly mad, unlike always when she expressed solidarity and empathy. She handed me the plate, and I put it beside me.

"Are you gonna eat that?" She asked. She knew the answer, but she wanted to make a point. I decided to oblige her.

"No."

"That's enough, Bellamy." And there it was. "You've been like this for a month! It's time for you to get out of your room and start living again."

"How could you even think that..-"

She interrupted me. "Don't you think I know what you've been through? I've lost Clarke too. And I've been trying so hard all this time to help you get through this but it's like you don't want to get better."

"I wish I could stop thinking about her. I wish I could stop hearing her voice, and seeing her face. But I can't. And going outside won't change that."

"Everyone here has lost a loved one. But we can't just shut the world out. You need the support of the society, Bellamy. People who know exactly what you're going through."

"They don't have the guilt to deal with."

"They're all thinking that if they'd given up their place on the drop ship , maybe their loved ones could've gotten it randomly. I know that because I've talked to them. And so should you." She crouched down to face me and softened her voice. "I don't expect you to stop thinking about her just like that. Over time, things will get better. But you have to try, Bellamy. It won't work like this."

I had nothing to say. Everything she said made sense, yet the thought of going outside seemed completely absurd. "How could I just keep living as if nothing happened? She's dead."

"Clarke didn't die for you to be a ghost. She would have wanted you to move on." I nodded. "It's Monty's birthday today. I know he's a good friend of yours. So put on your coat, and let's join them. Together. Okay?"

I nodded again and she tossed me my coat. As I caught it, I heard a slight thump. I saw two envelopes on the floor. They must've fallen from the pocket of the coat. I picked them up, and saw that one was addressed to me, and one to Abby. I recognized the writing. "Clarke," I said in a small voice, feeling my throat tightens as tears threatened to fall again.

"How could you not know that she wrote you a letter this entire time?!"

"I didn't want to touch or see anything from that day!" Everything I wore or had on me that day was in a pile on the floor, untouched since our first day back in space.

We both sat next to each other, with our backs to the wall, and read the letters Clarke wrote for us. And this was mine:

'Bellamy,

I don't know why you never came to say goodbye, but I do know you'll regret it later. So I decided to write, so that at least you'll have my side of the conversation.

I love you. So much. Don't ever forget that. I am thankful that I got lucky enough to know you, and I want you to know that you've made me happier than I ever thought I could be.

I know you, and I know you're gonna feel guilty for leaving me here. I admire you for being able to do that, and I can assure you that you've made the right decision. Don't regret it. Don't ever doubt it.

I also know you'll want to make sure that I know you love me. Well, I do. You've never let me forget it. I know that even now, as I'm sitting alone in our tent, when we're supposed to have our last talk. I'm sure you have a good reason for doing what you're doing.

One of the reasons it was so easy for me to stay on earth, was because you were on the drop ship. I wanted you to live, so don't forget to do that. Take some time to grieve, and then when you feel ready, I want you to do whatever you want. If you wanna fall in love again, do it. If you wanna sleep with a hundred girls, go ahead. You have my blessing to be with whomever you want, as long as they make you happy.

So for the last time, Bellamy, goodbye.

May we meet again.'

I closed my eyes and tiled my head back, trying to take that in. I felt so many things at once. Guilt, sorrow, grief. But also relief, and determination to keep going. Mostly, I was overflowing with love towards this amazing person, that spent her last hours doing whatever she could to help me after she'd have been gone, and succeed tremendously. She knew exactly what I'd think, and what could comfort me.

I tilted my head sideways, and saw that Abby just finished hers too. Her eyes were shining, with what seemed like both sadness and pride. She mirrored my expression perfectly.

"Just when you thought she couldn't get any more amazing.."

I smiled a rueful smile and nodded in agreement.

"Well," She said. "We have our orders. Move on. Live on. You coming?"

"Go, I'll join you in a minute." She got up and left, not before giving me a slight nod, that said she understood. I read the letter again, this time trying to remember it. I wanted it to always be in the back of my mind. I read it a couple times and went outside, ready to begin what became the first day of the rest of my life on the ark.


	19. Just a Thought

CPOV

Maddie and I had been alone for three years now. We haven't met another living soul ever since the death wave. We both assumed that people were alive in mount weather, but there was no way for us to contact them, and we didn't need to. We formed our own little family, and we didn't need anything else.

After I found her, we went back to Arkadia, to try and see if there anything that could help us survive. We found some clothes and some canned food. It was the same food that Bellamy and I brought to camp after having found it in the bunker. That was so long ago. Thinking about Bellamy was so weird. On one hand, it seemed like it's been ages since I'd last talked to him. On the other hand, he seemed to be occupying my mind so much of the time, that it was almost like he'd been with me these past couple of years.

I knew he was alive and well, and will come down to earth eventually. Thinking about that moment filled me with anticipation and excitement, immediately followed by longing. I was also very mad at him, but there'd be plenty of time for that when he got back. I wanted to talk to him so bad. That need was partially fulfilled. Another thing we found in Arkadia was the radio, and I remember learning about frequencies that we used on the ark, including the one earth monitoring station used. So, every night, I tried to talk to Bellamy on the radio. I'd tell him everything that happened that day, or just general thoughts I'd have. I couldn't tell him anything beyond that, since he probably wasn't the only one listening.

That is, if my messages actually got to the ark. I never got any answers, and I had to keep convincing myself that there was a problem with the communication, and not with the ark. I had to believe that everyone was okay, and the radio was broken. And I truly did. Maybe Maddie's childish innocence was rubbing off on me.

We also found guns in there, and I decided to take some for hunting.

Anyhow, we decided to find ourselves a place to live, that wasn't Arkadia. We wanted a fresh start, with no ties to the past. Also, we wanted a place with running water, and fish and plants, not spaceship wreckage. After a few days of searching, we found a patch of green in the endless yellow of the sand. We set up a home there, and started building a life together.

Three years later, as Maddie and I were comfortably eating our dinner, we heard a rustle in the bushes. We both dropped our food and went to our house. We built it from wood, and it was more of a home to us than the ark was for me, and the mountain was for her. Maddie stayed there and locked the door, while I went outside with the gun. We thought it was an animal, and took precautions, since it could be a dangerous predator. We've found that some animals, somehow, did survive the death wave. My guess was that the radiation from the first bombs changed something in their genes to make them resistant to further radiation, just like being exposed to solar radiation did to us.

I hid behind a tree, ready for whatever it was to come out. When it did, I nearly shot. Thank god I stopped myself, or Bellamy would've come down to find his sister was dead.

We were both in shock for a few seconds, and then we both dropped our weapons and ran to each other. I saw Lincoln standing beside her, and behind them were countless grounders. They left the bunker.

I hugged them both, so happy to see them after such a long time.

"Is it over?" I asked. "No more radiation?"

"Yeah, that's what the radiometer said, and we're all okay so.. Wait, isn't that why you came down? How did you even know?"

"I wasn't on the drop ship. I didn't make it."

"Then how did you survive?"

"Long story," I said. "I'll tell you over dinner."

I invited all of the grounders to our little piece of heaven, and they gladly accepted. They also looked for a place to live in this dessert, and had found this place after days of looking. As they walked past me I noticed Lexa. She didn't see me, so I grabbed her hand and she stopped. "Hey," I said, and that was all I could manage because as soon as she saw me she pulled into an embrace so tight that I thought I might explode. It was mutual, of course. I had missed her so much. She was my best friend. "How are you?" I asked.

"All better now.." She said joyfully and pulled away. She looked behind me and I turned around to see what she was looking at.

"Let me introduce to you.." I said, as I saw Maddie standing behind me, both scared and curious. "Maddie. Maddie, this is Lexa." They shook hands, and Maddie seemed to relax a bit. Lexa seemed to find the situation very bizarre, which was understandable. "I found Maddie after the death wave hit," I explained to Lexa, "outside of mount Weather. She'd been with me ever since." I turned to Maddie. "And this is Lexa, I told you about her, remember?"  
She nodded. "She's your best friend after me." Both me and Lexa laughed at that. Lexa crouched so that she'd look levelly at Maddie. "I think you and I are going to be good friends too." She smiled, and Maddie smiled, and I was so happy to see them both like that.

The three of us had been inseparable ever since. Like a little family. I didn't realize how much I missed Lexa until I got the chance to sit down and talk to her. It felt so good to tell our story to someone who actually responded. I also hadn't realized how much I missed having adult company. It felt so good to share things with her that I couldn't with Maddie.

Maddie and I became a part of the grounders, and they accepted us as one of their own, just like they did Octavia. She, by then, was their undisputed queen, loved by all. Well, most.

Lexa and I became very close. So much so, that one night, she decided to take it to the next level. She kissed me. I didn't know what to think about that. Of course, I immediately stopped her. In my mind I was still with Bellamy, even though we haven't talked for three years and weren't going to for another two. Kissing Lexa would be cheating. But I also couldn't blame her for doing that. Maybe I'd sent her some signals by accident. Maybe she mistook my love for her as a friend for a romantic one. I could understand why she'd make that mistake, Since I myself couldn't even tell the difference sometimes.

I felt very guilty for even thinking that, but sometimes we talked about things so private and intimate, that the closeness I felt towards her resembled the one I did towards Bellamy. That scared the hell out of me. I couldn't fall in love with Lexa. Not while Bellamy was out there. I had to wait for him. I had to remember how good it felt to be with him, so that I'd have strength to resist being with Lexa right then. I had to admit, I wanted to kiss her. That in and of itself was surprising. I never knew I could feel that way about a woman. That was surprising and exciting, and I wanted to keep exploring it. I also wanted to do that with her. I couldn't deny that being we her wasn't like being with a regular friend. Even a best friend. With Lincoln, for example, things were strictly platonic, and I felt very close to him. With her it was different.

I ran all of those things in my mind as she waited for my response. It took every ounce of self control I could muster, but I had to turn her down. "I'm sorry," I said, looking the other way so she wouldn't see how hard that was for me. "I'm waiting Bellamy."

"Of course," She said, suddenly embarrassed and vulnerable. "I never should've done that." She got up to leave but I held her hand. I didn't want her to leave.

"It's okay," I said, trying to calm her down. "really. I know why you did that, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. But I'm with Bellamy, and I'm gonna wait for him until he gets back." She nodded in understanding and sat back down beside me.

"Do you want me to keep my distance?" I was amazed by how she still tried to do what I wanted, even though she'd just been rejected by me. I also appreciated how she let me decide what I thought was best for me, and didn't decide for me. That brought up the day of the death wave and anger started to bubble up inside me, and it was aimed at Bellamy. I quickly pushed it away. I didn't need to think about that right then. What I did need was to answer her question.

"No." I didn't need to explain myself. I didn't need to explain how even though we couldn't be together, I still wanted her close to me. I couldn't explain how my feelings for her and for Bellamy could exist together. I didn't even know what it was that I felt for her, or how strong my feelings for Bellamy were after so long. But I didn't need to have all the answers, and I didn't need to explain myself. She understood. We sat there in silence, each busy with her own thoughts, yet taking comfort in the other one's presence. After that, our relationship continued as usual, as if nothing ever happened.

It's been two years since the grounders came, which meant 5 years since I last saw Bellamy and my mother. Back in that day, Sinclair said that it'd probably take 3 years for the radiation to wear off, and in the worst case scenario, it'd take 5 years. Since they couldn't measure radiation on earth from space, they probably decided to stay on the ark for 5 years. If my calculations were correct, they'd also be right above us after five years. That wasn't a coincidence, but the mathematics behind it weren't important. What was important was that the drop ship was supposed to land that day.

We all gathered in a clearing not far from where we settled, where we could all watch the sky. I sat between Lexa and Octavia, which meant I was practically a part of the royal family. Maddie, who was 10 years old by then, sat in my lap and leaned on me as we all stared at the sky.

Then, what we've been waiting for had finally happened. We heard a big boom, which meant that the drop ship was coming. We all cheered, and I felt happiness anticipation running through my veins. I was finally going to see them again. We all got up and started walking towards the bunker. After all, it'd be a shame if the day they returned sky kru would kill grounders by landing in the wrong place.

I got up and the happiness and slight nervousness that I felt turned into terror and devastation. I watched the orange flame in the sky, and the horrible truth of what had happened forced me to my knees. Something went wrong. They exploded. My mom. Bellamy. MY friends. Everyone else on the ark. They were all dead. Lexa immediately wrapped her arms around me, trying to comfort me in anyway she could. But she couldn't. Pain took over my mind, and consumed me. I was never going to see them again.

The cruelty of that fate was too much for me to bare. Octavia wept in Lincolns arms, and Maddie was lost. She didn't feel the pain that I did, but knew that she should have. I wanted to tell her that it was okay. That she never really knew any of them, and it's okay for this to not affect her as much as me. But I just couldn't do anything but cry. I screamed and sobbed and let out all of my grief and anger, only to have them fill me again. I felt like an endless source of agony and misery, that no matter how much of it I got out, there'd still be left in me to tear me apart. I suddenly felt so guilty for what happened with Lexa. I didn't cheat, but I thought about it, and that was wrong. Great. Exactly what I've been missing to complete this storm of horrible feelings. Regret. Guilt.

We walked to our houses, and no one spoke. In fact, no one spoke of that night at all.


	20. Reunion

CPOV

It was hard accepting that Bellamy and my mom were gone. That I'd never see them again. But after about a month, I've started to come to terms with it. I've mourned and grieved, but I couldn't let sorrow consume me, because of Maddie. She didn't need me to take care of her, she was quite capable of that herself. But I affected her. I saw my sadness radiating on her and I didn't want that. More than anything, I wanted her to be happy. She'd become like a daughter to me, in all that time we've been together, despite the small age difference. So, after a few days I started to act normally. Not as if nothing happened, because that was impossible, but as if I were already over it. And slowly, the more I pretended it was true, the more it became so, until finally, I really had moved on.

One day, as Lexa, Maddie and I went for a walk through the woods, we saw someone that we didn't recognize. We could all do the math, it had to have been someone from mount weather. I had feared that moment ever since I took Maddie under my wing. That's part of the reason why I wanted to settle down far from where we were before. I was afraid that they'd try to take her back. The moment we saw him we turned around and headed back home, but he spotted us, and we heard a gun cock.

I reached for my gun but stopped as I heard him warn me. "Don't. Or I shoot." I let my hand drop. "Heads in the air. All three of you. And turn around slowly." We did. "How the hell did you stay.." He stopped as his eyes landed on Maddie. "Maddie? How can you.. How is this possible?" He put his gun back on his belt and marched towards us. I immediately stood in front of Maddie, and Lexa did the same for me. He stopped walking, but was still taking to her. "Maddie.. Do you remember me? Gosh, you can't possibly remember. I'm you dad." It seemed as if my luck had run out. Be that as it may, I was not going to lose her. "Come with me, Maddie," he continued. "Your mother will be so happy to see you.." He tried to approach her again but Lexa stopped him.

"She's with me now," I said, making sure there was no room for doubt. He wasn't going to take her from me and he'd better damn know that.

"Are you really gonna keep my own daughter away from me?" That was aimed both at Lexa and me. "How did you even survive all this time?"

"You wouldn't know," said Maddie, speaking for the first time in this encounter. "You left me to die."

"Your mom and I tried to fight our way out to you, but they wouldn't let us. They put us in cages, Maddie."

"The same cages you put me in?" Lexa asked, or more accurately, accused.

"And me?" I added.

"Us doing that is the reason you survived!"

"I don't care!" Maddie screamed, breaking for the first time in these past five years. "You left me out to die," she repeated, even though her father had already countered that argument. I guess logic wasn't her strong suit at the moment. "you tortured Clarke and Lexa, and now you want me back?! Screw you and screw mom. Clarke has been the only one who actually took care of me, and if it were up to you I'd be dead. Just leave me alone." She didn't wait for his response, she just turned around and left. I taught her well. And the curse words were a nice touch in my taste. I gave him one smug look before turning around, but I heard him take his gun out again.

"You're coming with me, right now." He aimed the gun at us, not her.

"Never." She said. This time, instead of walking away, she looked at him levelly, her gaze not wavering under his seemingly crazed glare.

Lexa must've realized that he was about to shoot, because she kicked the gun out of his hands just as I heard it go off. No one got hurt, but we could have, and that was enough for Lexa. For lack of a better term to describe it: she kicked his ass. She fought with such grace, it made it so hard to remember that she was a lethal warrior. The fight was over in seconds, with him on the ground and her standing above him like the strong, beautiful princess that she was. There was no time for me to admire her, as we all started running towards our camp.

We got to camp and told everyone what happened. The grounds' reaction amazed me. They immediately started a patrol routine, and acted just like they would if they were under a threat. They acted as if one of own was attacked. They saw both me and Maddie as one of them, and that warmed my heart and made me feel stupid and guilty for ever doubting them. I knew that Octavia played a big part in it, but it was still admirable. I kept trying to talk to Maddie about what happened but she didn't seem to want to talk about it. After a few futile attempts, I let it go, making her promise to come to me as soon as she wants or needs to talk. She asked to be left alone, so I went to talk to Lexa.

It wasn't unusual, we were very close and we talked all the time. But something in the air around us felt tense. I wasn't stressed, but rather filled with anticipation.

At first we both just looked at each other, not knowing where to begin. I was the one who broke the silence. "Thanks. For what you did. I uh.. I don't know what I would have done if he'd taken her."

"Of course," she said. "That's what I'm here for."

I smiled in gratitude. I didn't know what to say, but I didn't want to stop taking either.

"Are you ready to talk about it?"

I thought I knew what she referred to, but I still wanted to make sure. "About what?"

"Bellamy." Yep. I knew it would come up.

"I'm.. Okay, I think. I'll never be completely over it. I'll never stop missing him." That felt like the truth at the moment. "But life goes on, you know? He wouldn't want me to stay alone forever. He'd want me to be happy."

"And what will make you happy?"

Then I just kissed her. It felt so different than with Bellamy. With him it felt like an emotional volcano that suddenly erupted and had never stopped. Everything about it was exciting and consuming, like an emotional roller coaster. With her it was calm, and relaxed. I didn't feel ready to conquer the world after kissing her, like I did with him. I just felt good, simple as that.

One thing did bother me though. When you kiss someone, you can sense some of the things they feel, just by the way they respond to you. To her, I was the all consuming overwhelming love that she'd been waiting for. I was to her what Bellamy was to me. That observation stunned me, and made me feel guilty, like I was being unfair to her. I waved it off, assuming that as more time will pass, The more extreme my feelings would become. It also occurred to me that maybe I needed something slow and simple. Maybe what Bellamy and I had was amazing, but it wasn't the only way to have a relationship. Maybe this way would even suit me better. I doubted that, but by that point I was tired of debating with myself. I decided to let myself enjoy the moment, without overthinking every detail. And I did. And it felt great.

Lexa and I have been together for three months. The magnitude of my feelings hadn't changed since we first kissed. It was still amazing, but it didn't blow my mind like being with Bellamy did. I hadn't decided how I felt about that. Maybe it was good for me. Maybe it was because the biggest love of my life was Maddie, and that didn't leave any room for anyone else. Maybe I just grew up and wasn't a kid anymore. Either way, I was satisfied with how things were, and I was definitely not going to change anything.

One day, we heard a boom. Like a big crash. It reminded me of the sound of the launch pod when it landed, only much louder. The earth shook. It woke us all up in the middle of the night. I slept with Lexa in the same tent and Maddie slept in the tent near us. We both woke up with a start, and as I stuck my head out I saw Maddie do the same. Others did too, and some even climbed out of their tent. I put some decent clothes on and joined them. No one seemed to know what happened, and the grounders seemed to be very scared.

I wasn't scared. I recognized that sound. Someone had landed on earth, and it was obvious who it was. Bellamy. My mom. Wells. They all finally made it. Lexa's faced showed She was thinking the exact same thing. It didn't take long for us to come to our senses. Octavia organized a group to go see the crash site, and show them to our safe haven. I eagerly joined her and so did Lexa. I instructed Maddie to stay behind, despite her many protests. It just seemed to be safer in camp, even though she was away from me. We took some water, and whatever was left of the medical supplies in the bunker, and marched towards the big cloud of smoke.

No one talked during our short hike. Everyone were busy thinking about what we were about to face. Was this really the drop ship? Could it have been something else? Had the people whom we thought were dead for so long been alive this entire time? Those thoughts occupied everyone around me, I believed, and Lexa decided to give voice to them.

"What are you going to do when we get there?"

"Find out who they are, how we can help them.."

"Who they are? How many options are there?"

I knew what she was insinuating. "The drop ship exploded. We all saw that. No one could survive an explosion like that." I didn't truly believe that we could grasp the true scale of the explosion from earth, but Lexa knew even less than I did about that kind of things.

"What if it is him?" She said 'him' and not 'them' for a reason. Things have been going great for Lexa and me, and she was scared that something was going to take that away from her. I had to admit, so did I. I didn't know what was going on, and I didn't know how I felt about it.

"I don't know, Lexa. If it is him, I don't know what's gonna happen when I see him." I stopped, and so did she. I made sure she looked at me when I talked next. "The one thing I do know is that you and I, what we have, it's real." That was true, and it didn't imply any sort of commitment, which I wasn't ready to make. I truly didn't know what would happen if I saw Bellamy.

I didn't have long to struggle with that question, because we've reached our destination shortly after. And sure enough, there he was. A sigh of relief escaped from my mouth as I took in the situation before me. I saw Bellamy, for the first time after over five years, in which I thought he was dead. And he was alive and well, and as always, bossed everyone around. Everything else seemed to fade away at that moment. How could I have any doubts about my feelings for him? Every bone in my body was aching to go to him. So many emotions flooded me that it was hard to keep track. But one ascended above all else. I loved him, just as much as I did the last time I saw him. Even more. His being away from me had only intensified how much I needed him, and I wasn't aware of that until that very moment.

Then I remembered that Lexa was standing right beside me. I suddenly felt so guilty. How could I explain it to her? How could I tell her what I felt for Bellamy when just a few moments ago I told her what we had was real? I wasn't lying before, it really was real, but it couldn't compare to my love for him. I started to think about how to put my feelings into words but I didn't need to.

"Go to him," She said, somehow managing to think about me in this time that was obviously so difficult for her. "We'll talk later." I nodded and she left towards some people from the ark who needed help. In the meantime, I noticed, Octavia had found Bellamy, and that reunion had been so emotional I nearly cried. Or maybe it was my own emotional storm that brought that on. Either way, he was so happy to see her that I automatically became just as happy. He held her tight, and I wanted to be in her place more than anything. I comforted myself, knowing that I can be, in just a few moments. As He hugged Lincoln, I decided to go to them. I started walking, and then I saw someone else coming their way. As she reached them Bellamy wrapped his arm around her and gave her a slight kiss on the lips.

I froze in my place. I'd never stopped to think that he'd also thought I was dead all that time. And he had moved on, just like I said on my letter. That hurt like hell. I knew I should still go. I knew he'd still be ecstatic to see me. But my legs wouldn't obey. I just stood there watching as reality proved to be more complicated than I'd figured.

And on top of all that, that girl was no other than Emily. So apparently my 'ridiculous' fears weren't so unfounded after all. I knew that wasn't fair. It was five years, of course he'd moved on. But the fact that it was with her somehow made it more painful. Like an old wound being cut open. The tears of joy that threatened to burst before were now representing something else entirely. But I still wouldn't let them escape my control. I was not going to cry the first time I saw Bellamy.

Octavia and Emily hugged. And why wouldn't they? They were good friends. Bellamy introduced her to Lincoln and they shook hands. Octavia turned to Bellamy and said something that made him wear a face I knew all to well. That face meant he was about to hear something important. Every time he heard something like 'we need to talk' or 'I have something important to tell you', he'd try to think of what this thing could possibly be. He ran the last few days in his head, trying to see if anything could bring upon a serious conversation. And that's exactly what he did right then. Of course, he had no chance whatsoever to guess what she was about to tell him.

But I did. And sure enough, she pointed in my direction.


	21. With Clarke, Anything Is Possible

BPOV

It took me a few moments to understand what was going on. Clarke? Clarke was here? I instantly took my arm off Emily, not able to do anything more that that. I couldn't believe my eyes. I looked at Octavia, trying to find anything to help me get control, as I seemed to be in some sort of shock. She smiled approvingly, as if telling me that it wasn't a dream. That was all I needed. I looked her way again, and she was still there. Clarke.

Clarke was alive. Here, with me. I ran to her, not bearing to wait a second more that I had to. She stood in her place, and looked at me with the smile of hers that I missed so much. The smile that she had when I did something that made her happy.

When I reached her I just stood there, dumbfounded. We were both speechless. There were so many things I wanted to do, so many things I wanted to ask her. I didn't know where to start. So instead I did nothing. I just looked at her, taking in every detail as I regretted not doing when I thought she was dead. All that horrible time on the ark came back to me. All that grief amplified my happiness when I saw her. All those things I thought I'd never get to do became possible. I could finally tell her everything I wanted to. So why couldn't I get a single word out of my mouth?

"Hey," She said, just as awkwardly as I must've looked. That broke whatever it was that held me back. As if my mind needed to hear her voice to know it was her. To know this wasn't the picture that I'd been looking at every night since she'd left me. I felt tears run down my cheek as I gathered her in my arms and held her as if my life depended on it. She quickly did the same, and that felt more amazing than I ever thought it would. I couldn't remember the last time I was that happy. But whenever that time was, I could've sworn it was with her.

"How is this possible?" I said as I wiped the tears away, certain that none will come in the foreseeable future. Not when I had her by my side.

"Mount weather," she said. "They tried their treatments on me, and it worked." A horrible realization came to mind.

"All this time.. You were here? Alive?" She nodded. "God," I said as I pulled her to me again. "I can't believe this.. All this time.. How did you survive here all alone?"

I heard her voice as she answered, and It was muffled because she put her mouth against my chest, just as she always did when I hugged her and she cried. "I wasn't alone. I'll tell you everything once we settle down."

I kissed the top of her head, and rubbed her back with my hand. I didn't know what I did to deserve that. "I have missed you so much Clarke. You have no idea how.."- I stopped as I abruptly remembered the world around me. More specifically, I remembered what I've been doing for the past eight months. Emily.

I immediately took a few steps back, and she was surprised by the sudden movement. If what I'd felt that moment was only guilt, that would've been manageable. But what went through my head in that moment was so much more than that. I didn't love Emily, but I liked her. I thought she'd help me move on. I knew I had to get on with my life and figured that after more than four years, it was okay for me to try and be with someone else. And then Clarke was back.

And not only was she mad at me, but I also missed my chance with her. She'd never be with me after she saw me with Emily. I've ruined everything that I wanted so bad with my own two hands. That felt horrible. To know that she was here, and that we could've been together, like I've always wanted, and we wouldn't be because I decided to move on. I couldn't blame myself for that, I had no way to know that she was alive. But irony had shown its ugly face to me, and it was devastating.

"I thought you were dead, Clarke. I'm so sorry I... I thought you were gone.."

"Hey," She said as she moved closer to me and cupped my face in her hands. "It's okay, I understand. I told you to move on."

"You're not mad?" I asked. I wanted to wait with the relief to the moment I was sure it was justified, and would be long lasting.

"No, of course not. I couldn't possibly be angry with you when I.." She stopped abruptly as she realized what she was going to say. Then, seemingly getting over the fear of continuing, she did. "When I did the same thing."

"You were with someone else?" I couldn't help but be a little angry. I thought she was dead, what was her excuse?

"I waited for you for five years, Bellamy. I really did. And I wanted you to come back more than anything. But then, on the day that you were supposed to come back, you didn't. And something exploded in the sky, I assumed it was you." That was so hard for her to admit. Seeing her like that, feeling guilty and regretful, made all my anger melt away. I talked softly, trying to assuage her guilt a little bit.

"We tried to return, but Sinclair got some of the calculations wrong, and we couldn't. That took a lot of energy, and it took us three months to produce more."

"I'm sorry," She said, and I could sense how much she meant it. "If I'd known.."

"I know." I said. "Who is it?"

She looked at Lexa with what seemed to be both guilt and admiration. So apparently my feelings back in the day weren't completely unjustified. I took a little pride in that. It was wrong, but I didn't care.

A silence filled the air again. I wasn't like before, when we had no words in the face of what we both thought was impossible and had secretly wished for. We weren't too overwhelmed to react. This time, we didn't know what to do. How to go on. What could we possibly do when we've both moved on?

"So now what?" Did she think I had all the answers? Because I had none.

"I like Emily," I said, and before the pain from that statement flooded her, I continued to the important part. "But one word from you and I.. I mean.. You're you." I hadn't realized that was true until I said it. But it was. Of course I'd break up with Emily to be with her. I'd do much worse.

"I'd want nothing more than that." I smiled and reach for her, but she backed away. "But I can't." I didn't know what to feel by that point. That conversation had been too emotionally charged for me to be able to feel anything. "Why?"

"I can't do that to Lexa. I promised her that what I had with her was real. And it was. I can't just take that back the moment you arrive."

"Clarke, are you really going to let something like that stand between us? I've missed you more than I ever thought was possible. Nothing had been more painful than to lose you. And I know you felt the same. So now, that we finally have a chance to be together, you're gonna throw it away because of her?"

"She is important to me, Bellamy! I'm sorry for not being selfish enough to disregard her feelings like that!"

"Selfish?" I asked simply, not believing what I was hearing. This was absurd. She was acting insane. And she called me selfish, that was a low blow. I didn't wait for her to respond as I left. What the hell was she thinking? Calling me selfish?! I would've done anything for her, but she wasn't willing to make that small sacrifice to be with me. And I'm the selfish one?

I went back to Emily and gave her a long, passionate kiss. My eyes closed just a moment after they should have. That moment was enough to see the Clarke was watching. And it was just the right amount. I knew it was petty, but I was just so angry with her. I thought I could finally be with her after all that time, and she just crushed that dream, all the while pretending to be a martyr. But that moment was also not long enough for me to take a good look at her face. If I had, I would've seen pain on it, and the movement of her lips she made when she didn't want to cry. And that would've broken me. I pulled away to see a shocked Emily. She didn't understand what was going on, and truthfully, neither did I. Clarke had gone by then, I assumed to meet her mom.

The grounders have shown us to their home, which apparently was where Clake had lived all that time. Clarke told us all how she'd survived with a girl named Maddie, who I could tell she regarded us a daughter. That emphasized just how much happened these past five years. How much we've both changed. Maybe we weren't right for each other after all that time. Maybe it was for the best that she rejected me. Maybe we both belonged with other people.

One look at her as she was talking to Lexa proved all that to be bullshit. I loved her just as much as before, and my feelings for Emily were practically gone. I didn't break up with her, though. I stayed with her, both to ease my conscious and to give us a second chance. If Clarke didn't want to be with me, there was no reason for me not to move on completely. Well, no reason besides the fact that I knew Clarke was the only person I wanted to be with. The one person who could truly make me happy. I thought she felt the same but apparently, she didn't.

Coming back to earth had been so different than I'd expected. I didn't know what was coming, but with Clarke, anything was possible.


	22. Every Whim

CPOV

It's been a few days since the ark had landed. Bellamy and I hadn't really talked about what happened, but really, what was there to talk about? I cared about Lexa and I didn't want to break her heart so cruelly, did that really make me such a bad person? If so, then maybe Bellamy wasn't the right guy for me.

That was hard to accept, but I knew I had to. That is, until Lexa came to talk to me.

"Hey," She said casually, as if nothing ever happened between us. I knew better than to fall for that. She had something in mind and I wanted to know what it was.

"Hi. What's up?" I couldn't remember a small talk we had that was that awkward. And we've only said four words.

After a few more useless pleasantries, she got to the point.

"I couldn't help but notice that you and Bellamy aren't together."

"You noticed right." There was a bitter sound to my voice that I disliked, and made Lexa's eyes distant and pained. That look vanished within seconds.

"Why? I mean, I don't mean to pry but I thought we broke up so that you two could be together."

So I told her about my conversation with Bellamy. I tried to minimize the part she played in my decision but she saw right through that.

"Clarke, I would never want you to do that. Seriously. I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me. And I definitely don't want to be what's standing between you and him."

"Will you be okay?"

"Of course. I'm a big girl."

I gave her a long hug to express something that I didn't know how to define. A combination of gratitude and appreciation, and small sense of closure.

She smiled at me, and just like that, the emotional air around us turned cynical. If I didn't know any better, I would've thought I sensed bitterness and even jealousy in her voice as she spoke next.

"You better hurry then." She gestured with her head at something behind me. I turned my head around and saw Emily braiding Maddie's hair. Bellamy was sitting behind Emily, picking at the braid, causing both of them to yell at him jokingly. They were all laughing at Bellamy's idiocy, which gave that moment such authenticity and a sense of realness. They looked like a family. Lexa got up and left as I took that in. I wanted to be there, instead of Emily. But I didn't just want that momentarily fun atmosphere. I didn't just want to be with Bellamy. I wanted that to be my life. That was how I wanted my future to look like. Bellamy, Maddie and me just sitting around having fun. A sense of longing welled up in me, proving how much I really wanted that.

How had things got to that point? My having to look at Bellamy from aside? Maddie would choose me, I was sure of that. But I couldn't read Bellamy as well as I did five years before. I started to wonder whether it was him I was missing, or the Bellamy I knew before the death wave. How different were they?

Bellamy looked around until his eyes landed on mine. The air stood still as I tried to figure out what he was thinking. Would he just come over and talk? Or maybe, dare I say it, apologize? I got my answer as he turned back to look at Emily. I refused to believe that he didn't love me anymore. He was willing to dump Emily to be with me a few days before. Maybe that was just the thrill of seeing that I was alive. Maybe we've both changed more than I had realized.

I don't often give up. When I want something, I get it. That's what I did the first time around with Bellamy. And I was not planning on giving up that time either. I was determined to fight whoever and whatever I needed to, in order to get what I want. And what I wanted was that display of closeness and comfort. It seemed so safe and loving. I wanted a family. And I wanted both him and Maddie to be a part of it.

When evening came and I saw him eating alone, I saw that as an opportunity. I wasn't kidding myself, I knew that Emily probably got up to get something and would be back in a second, but I figured that when she saw me she'd give us a moment alone. After Bellamy rejected me, she didn't have any reason to feel threatened. I sat next to him, and he looked at me, puzzled. Even before we were together, I never needed an excuse to sit next to him. Why did I need one then?

"I wanted to talk to you." I saw no reason to come up with an excuse when I had a reason.

"About what?"

"I talked to Lexa, and she practically scolded me for what I told you."

He put his plate down and finished chewing. "What are you saying?"

"That if what you told me is still true.. I'm in."

He scoffed, as if what I said was damn unbelievable. "Do you think you can just change your mind like that? You think I'll always be available for your whims? What if I'd talked to Emily after you rejected me, and promised her that you and I are in the past? Am I supposed to just take that back?"

"That's exactly what I told you about Lexa and you yelled at me!"

"Yeah, but I don't change my mind every five seconds!"

"What does that have to do with anything?! I'm telling you that I'm sorry and I wanna give us another try!"

"Are you?! Because you haven't said it once!"

I took a deep breath. Say I do manage to convince him. Do I really want to break these two apart? Can I commit to being with Bellamy if I do? I felt like I didn't even know him anymore. I couldn't remember him ever yelling at me like that.

"I'm sorry." I decided to be the bigger person, and see where it goes. And as for Emily - if he loved her he'd stay with her. If he didn't, then I was doing her a favor.

"Damn it, Clarke." He looked aside in distraught. How dare he? I had to resist the urge to just get up and leave, which I barely did. I gave him one last chance. "You can't just come running back to me every time you feel alone. It's people's heads you're messing with, don't you get that?"

He caught me by surprise, that's for sure.

"I never meant to play with you or anyone else. I just tried not to hurt anybody."

"Well, you ended up hurting everybody. I can't break up with Emily, Clarke. If you'd just... Put your over sized conscious aside and focused on your own well being for one second, we wouldn't be in this mess."

"Then why can't you?" I saw no reason for him to not do what he asked of me.

"I would have. In a second. But now I can't. Not after everything I promised her."

"Why would you promise her something like that? I thought you said you loved me."

"I did. I do. But I thought that you and I were over for good."

"But all I said was that I wanted some time. How's that for good?" It took me a minute, but I finally understood what he wasn't saying. "You gave up on me." His silence was answer enough. "You were willing to throw every chance of us being together away just because of that one fight? Do you even know what love is?"

"I haven't seen you for five years, Clarke! And the first thing you tell me is that someone else's happiness is more important to you than mine! You showed me just how much you're willing to do for us and that ain't much! Are you seriously asking me that question?! Getting over your death was the hardest thing I ever had to do! You were everything to me! I loved you more than I ever thought I was ever capable of. And losing you? I never could've imagined pain like that. And it's been five years and I've already moved on, and still seeing you here was the best thing that ever happened to me, by far. So yeah, I know damn well what it is, but I also know that as big as it is, the more it hurts when that person lets you down. And I understand that it's not something you take for granted, and that when you get a chance at it, you don't let it go because of some stupid righteous bullshit!" He stormed off, and if what he said didn't deeply hurt me, I could've appreciated the drama of the exit. Take it for granted? Me? I radioed him every single day. I stayed loyal after five years of being alone, and god knows how hard that was. And is that how he wants to call my conscience, my sense of right and wrong? Righteous bullshit? There was a time when he admired me for that.

Well, that was that. I did my part. I tried my best, and he just threw it in my face. The resolve I felt when I approached him evaporated as the tears started running. A new resolve took its place - to never let that man make me cry again. And that started with getting over him once and for all.

BPOV

As I woke up and went on a morning walk, I thought about what happened with Clark.

Every minute of every day on the ark I felt her loss. I missed her all the time. Even when it stopped hurting, it was always on my mind. Seeing her, it was one of the things you wish for, even when you know they can never happen.

And then I saw that she was alive, and the feeling I had was unimaginable. I never would've thought that anything would make me that happy. A mix of happiness and relief and excitement and tremendous joy. I was flooded with what could only be described as the purest form of love.

And when I finally could've been with her, she told me I couldn't. Of course, seeing that she was alive was enough to make all of these five years seem like a distant memory. But there was no point in lying to myself - I was disappointed. And hurt.

And then she came to me and said everything that I wanted her to. I could've had everything I've wanted. It was in my grasp. And I blew it. I let my ego get the best of me. But it wasn't just ego. I believed in what I said to her. But after I'd had the chance to relax, I just realized that it didn't matter. Yes, I wasn't planning on being there for her every whim. And yes, I was very hurt by what she said. But none of that mattered if she wanted to fix things. We would've worked it out. We're so much better than all those things.

But she wasn't like me. When I told her I didn't want to be with her, she accepted it. She respects people's wishes, as she should, but she tends to stop fighting when it's about people's feeling. She'll stop at nothing to win a war, or to save her family, or even to prove a point or succeed in something she's been trying. But when it came to people, she felt like it wasn't her place to keep trying when someone else didn't want her to.

Which was why I had to do something. She wouldn't come to me again, I had to be he one to do it. But how could I? After what I said to her, why would she even talk to me?

What I saw when I took a glimpse at her tent took my attention away from all of my thoughts. She was lying on the floor outside her tent, with a stream of blood going down from the top of her forehead to the floor.


	23. The End

CPOV

I woke up with a start. I was on the floor near my tent, and Bellamy was shaking me slightly. I looked around me blankly, trying to figure out what was going. He stopped shaking me when he saw that, but still seemed pretty rattled. He looked at me worryingly, and for a moment it felt just like before, just like when we were together. Like he was terrified that something would happen to me. Emily showed up, reminding me of the grim reality.

"What happened?" She asked, pulling me back to the real world.

"I..." I tried to remember what had happened. The reason I was there. I felt blood on the side of my face, and as I reached to wipe it with my hand I noticed it was dry. How long had I been out?

The events of last night came to me in a flash, reminding me that reality wasn't just grim. It was dangerous and awful and needed to be taken care of, immediately. "Maddie!" I jumped up, and the world started spinning. Bellamy caught me and tried to put me back down, but I stood up anyway, fighting my imbalance. "They took Maddie!"

"What? Who? What are you talking about?"

"Her parents! The mountain! I have to go get her!" My dizziness had passed and I marched towards the armory. Bellamy stood in front of me to stop me.

"You're not going anywhere! Let your mom take a look at you first. You hit your head, that's..-"

"I don't give a shit about that! Maddie is in there, Bellamy! I'm not going to let them to do to her what they did to me!"

"Clarke, I understand you more than anyone, but..-"

"No, you don't! They took from you once, she's been there all night. I know what that feels like, you don't, and there's no way I'm leaving her there!"

I tried to go around him but he pulled me back. "I know what YOU feel like. Do you know how terrified I was when you were in there?! I felt exactly what you're feeling right now! But you can't just storm in there, you'll just get yourself killed. And then who'll save Maddie? You need to calm down and think of a plan." The way he looked at me when he said that, conveyed so much pain. He relived it in his mind, and I knew that it brought up some old feelings. That might've given me hope, had the situation not been so dire. My broken relationship with Bellamy was the least of my problems.

"I have a plan," I countered. "She told me about a back door that they don't guard, because we don't know it exists. When I told her about my time there she explained to me how I could've gotten out. It's possible, Bellamy. I can get in, get her out. And I'm going now, before they hurt her even more."

"Then I'm coming with you."

"Me too," said Lexa, whom I'd just noticed for the first time.

Under different circumstances, I might've argued. But not that day. Not when Maddie's well being was on the line. She was just too important.

We all grabbed guns, and left camp. Lincoln and Octavia objected, and said we should wait and think of a better plan. That was the logical thing to do, which was why I allowed them to do it. By the time they'd come up with something, I'd have already brought Maddie back. My mom seemed to understand why I was doing what I was doing, but was still scared for me. I didn't stop to calm her down, there was no point in that. She'd be calm when Maddie and I came back.

The walk to the mountain seemed longer than I remembered. Maybe it was the fact that no one spoke. Maybe just the stress I was under.

At last, we reached the hidden entrance, and just as Maddie foresaw, no one was there to guard it. Bellamy picked the lock, using an old trick that he once failed to teach me.

As we stepped inside, our surroundings were awfully familiar. It brought back bad memories that we all wished we could forget. But this time, we weren't there as victims. We were there as rescuers, and that meant something. We navigated easily through the halls, seeing as we've already walked to their lab so many times. Me and Lexa, that is. But I suspected that Bellamy's one visit there was traumatic enough for him to remember.

We busted the door open, earning some very surprised looks from the doctor. She recognized us immediately, and knew exactly what we were there to do. But what she saw was an opportunity to get three more bone marrow donors.

The guards didn't need to wait for her orders. They came straight at us, and we faced them, head on. Or at least, I did. I saw Maddie laying on the table, and I remembered exactly what it felt like. I had to get her out of there, and I'd kill anyone who stood in my way. Bellamy and Lexa were more practical.

Bellamy shot the lever that started the alarm, making sure the doctor couldn't call for back up. As one of the guards saw that and aimed the gun at Bellamy, Lexa quickly disarmed him. She had a gun of her own, but I guessed she still felt more comfortable fighting hand to hand. She and that guard engaged in a fight, just as another guard aimed his gun at Bellamy.

Bellamy aimed his back at the guard, and they were both looking at each other, waiting to see what would happen next. They both knew that if they pulled the trigger, the other person would too. I, on the other hand, didn't have any time to waste. I shot the guard that faced Bellamy in the head, and he fell down. I also shot another one, who'd just come to his senses. Another one pinned me to the wall with the gun to my head.

Lexa had just finished off her guard, and looked back at us. She rushed to my side, but didn't really know what to do. He'd shoot me before she managed to kill him, and she knew that. By then, only he and the doctor were left. Bellamy reached for Maddie and took her in his arms. We were so close. So close to getting her out. I just needed him to keep walking.

The guard that had me cocked his gun. There was silence. No one moved. "Put Maddie down," the guard said. "Or I kill her." Bellamy turned around, with Maddie still in his arms. That was the first time I actually got a good look at her. She was okay. She was bleeding from her leg but other than that she was completely fine.

I looked at Bellamy, begging him with my eyes to keep going. I didn't care about what would happen to me. I knew what they'd do to Maddie if she stayed and I couldn't let that happen to her. I was willing to die if that's what it took to keep her safe. She wasn't like a daughter to me, she really was my daughter. The look on her face showed me that her leg wasn't the only thing that got hurt. She was terrified and in shock, for obvious reasons.

"What are you waiting for?! Put me down!" It was both heart warming and awful to realize that she was terrified for me. She wasn't scared for herself, she was scared that I'd die. She was scared that Bellamy would choose her over me.

I was scared of the opposite. I averted my eyes from her to him. He wasn't lost as I expected him to be. I thought he'd have no idea what to do, and look at me for an answer. But he didn't.

He looked at me apologetically. He was going to put her down. "Bellamy, please..-" I started, but the gun being pressed even harder against my head made me stop. I looked at him pleadingly, wishing he'd do what I asked him.

"I'm sorry," he said, and I was ready for the worst. I was ready for him to put her down, and for all of us to stay there. But instead, he turned around and left.

I was so thankful. I had underestimated him, and he proved me wrong. He did what was right, but I had a feeling that that wasn't the reason. He did it because it was what I wanted.

I had no time to dwell on it. The sound of a gun going off and a burning pain sensation made me fall to the floor.

BPOV

I looked at Clarke with that gun to her head, and knew what she'd want without her having to ask. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Whatever happened between us, I still loved her, and I knew that what she'd want me to do is definitely not what I wanted to do. I made the wrong choice when I forced her into the drop ship. I decided not to make that mistake again. I decided to choose what she would've chosen, if it were up to her. Why? Exactly because I love her so much.

I turned around with Maddie, murmuring an apology, and started running outside.

A few seconds later I heard a gun going off. The pain of her death that I experienced on the death wave threatened to flood me again. I pushed it down. It'd have enough time to fall to pieces once Maddie was safe. We got to our camp, and I let Abby take care of Maddie.

"Clarke?" She asked. I couldn't bare to tell her. I simply turned away. I don't know what's she got from that, but I couldn't do any better at that moment.

I found Octavia and Lincoln, with an army of grounders behind them, ready to storm the mountain.

I joined them, remembering that my job wasn't done. We had to get Lexa back. My mind was blank as we walked. I was in the exact same place a while before that, with Clarke by my side. I knew that if I let myself think about anything, I wouldn't be able to keep going. So I didn't. I marched head on, determined and focused on finding Lexa. Like with Maddie, it was more due to Clarke's will than mine.

About halfway there I saw Lexa. We all stopped momentarily, and took that in. The moment passed, and Lincoln and I rushed towards them. Lincoln to help his sister, and me to take the wounded hero leaning on her in my arms. I had no idea what Lexa did to the guard, but I knew that him shooting Clarke in the stomach and not the head was her doing. I'd thank her later. Clarke wasn't out of the woods yet. A bullet in the stomach could still be lethal, especially under those conditions. I tried as best as I could to be steady, while still walking as fast as my legs would let me.

"Thank you, Bellamy..-" I cut her off before she could continue.

"Don't talk." It was what she told me when I was stabbed. Her arms, which were already around my neck, tightened.

"You have to now this, Bellamy." Doctors make the worst patients. I intended to stop her again, but decided against it. Last time I avoided talking to her, thinking that we'd have plenty of time to talk later, I regretted it for five years. After all, she was a doctor, she didn't need me to tell her to shut up. "You made the right choice. I never would've forgiven you if you hadn't taken her."

I already knew that, but hearing it from her was reassuring. As always, even when she was the one in danger, she thought about what would make me feel better the next day. I didn't answer at first. I couldn't think of anything to say. Then I realized that I may not get a chance to say anything ever again.

"Of course I did it, Clarke. Ignoring what you wanted was one of my biggest regrets these past five years. I realize how wrong that was, and I wasn't going to do that again." I looked down at her, and saw a tiny smile decorating her face. It soon vanished and was replaced by a face I knew so well. Her brave face. When she was trying not to show how much pain she was in. "And I'm sorry for what I told you. I regretted it a second after it came out of my mouth." I knew she wanted to answer, which was why the silence that followed surprised me. Her eyes were close, and her hold on me loosened a bit. She must've fainted from the pain. _'Just a little more,'_ I thought. _'You can do it'._ The answer to who I was referring to, me or her, was beyond me.

We walked back into camp, finding Abby waiting for us at the gate. I assumed she had everything ready at the infirmary, so I headed straight there, with Lincoln at my heels. Apparently, not only did Abby have anything ready, she had two beds. Her unwavering optimism finally paid off. On a third bed was Maddie, fully awake. I heard her whimper as I put Clarke down.

"Is she going to be okay?" She asked, her soft, childish voice trembling with terror and extreme exhaustion. The poor girl was so young and had been through so much. Abby answered before I could.

"She will, honey. But you need to rest, and I need to be alone to work."

I took the hint, and carried the wounded Maddie out of the infirmary. Abby bandaged her leg, and there was nothing more she could do. I put Maddie down in the first place I saw and was about to head back to the tent.

I couldn't quiet comprehend the look she gave me, but it made me stay with her. I couldn't help Clarke anyways.

At first we were both quiet. Neither of us knew what to say.

"Can you tell me something about Clarke that I don't know?"

"Well, that depends. What do you know?"

And so she told me everything Clarke told her, and I filled in the gaps. Talking to her felt like taking to a little Clarke, in a way. They had a very similar way of thinking about life. And Maddie was so mature for her age. That would've been a good thing, if not for the horrible chain of events that led to it.

We continued to talk, and time flew by. So much so, that when Abby came out saying that she was done, both Maddie and I looked at each other, surprised. She got up and tried to walk, but soon realized she can't. I put her on my back and carried her to the infirmary.

She was still sleeping when we walked in. "Will she be okay?" I asked, not giving a second thought to the fact that Maddie was in the room with us.

"Yes," she said. And Maddie let out a sigh of relief. Me? I wasn't surprised. Clarke was a fighter. She'd faced death more times than I could count, and had beaten it every single time. I knew she'd do the same this time.

I sat by her bed, with an awful feeling of deja vu. I've been there before already. Sitting by head bed, holding her hand, waiting for her to wake up. Only this time I had Maddie sitting in my lap. That gave me a sense of purpose, someone to take care of instead of drowning in my own worries.

"Hey," I said and got up, letting Maddie take my chair. "I have an idea." I left and returned a moment later with a notebook and a pencil. The same ones with used to write that damned list. I crouched in front of Maddie and gave it to her. "Your mom loved to draw. How about you pass the time until she wakes up by drawing her a beautiful painting?" She nodded enthusiastically, thrilled by the chance to do what Clarke liked doing.

About an hour later, Maddie and I heard a weak voice whispering: "You guys painting without me?" We both looked up in surprise and rose to our feet. Maddie ran over to her and hugged her, earning a sigh of pain from Clarke. But it was mixed with happiness and laughter, so it was okay. Clarke kissed the top of her head.

"I'm so sorry Maddie. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from them." Clarke was on the brink of crying.

"It's not your fault," Maddie replied, in a way that could never sound realistic on a ten year old girl. But she was dead serious. "It was because my parents wanted me back. They didn't know Dr. Brown would do these things to me. But it's their fault. Not yours and not mine."

It was nice to see that at least one of us wasn't immediately taking the blame when something bad happens. We had a tendency to do that, I realized.

"Well," Clarke started, fighting back tears, but sounding positive and determined. "I'm never gonna let that happen to you again, okay? And neither will everyone else."

"I'm gonna kill them if they come for me again." There was darkness in her voice that terrified me. A darkness that sounded horribly misfitted on a young girl's voice. Her eyes reflected something I'd never seen in Clarke. It wasn't resolve to do whatever it took to protect. It was a resolve to avenge and destroy. The psychological damage that her parents brought on her must've been tremendous. And how could it not be? Clarke looked at me, and I knew she was thinking about the same thing.

Maddie's expression took a sharp change, and she went back to smiling. "Look, I made you something." She showed Clarke the drawing we made for her. "That's amazing Maddie!" It really was good, for someone her age. And I knew Clarke was moved by the fact that Maddie had the same hobby as her. Just like I knew it would.

Clarke's eyes drifted from Maddie to me, and all I could do was smile. Unlike a few moment before, I had no idea what she was thinking. And I was dying to know.

"Maddie," Clarke started, but her eyes were still locked on mine. "Could you give us a moment alone please?" She nodded, which was very mature of her, I should add, and left. I suspected she went to the room beside ours to check on Lexa.

I sat next to Clarke and held her hand. She gave me a small smile, which I returned. "Thank you," She said. "I know how hard that must've been."

"It was what you wanted."

A silence hung between us, and unlike before, it really was awkward. I knew she wanted to say something, do something, but wouldn't let herself. So I did instead. I traced the line of her cheek softly, in the way I knew she loved. "I'm sorry," I said, looking at her in general, and not on anything in particular. I was seeing her in my mind's eye, at a far memory of when she didn't have to restrain herself around me. "And I regret what I said. I'm sorry I snapped at you. If you still want, I'd give anything to be with you again."

She nodded rapidly, the tears that she'd been holding back starting to run. I felt some climbing down my throat too. "Of course I do. But I don't only want that. I want a family, Bellamy. With you and Maddie..." I could tell she'd wanted that for a long time, and had been waiting to tell me. "I want a home."

"There's nothing I want more than that."

She pulled me close to her, until our noses touched. I really, really wanted to kiss her. But not like that. "Let me talk to Emily first." She loosened her hold on me, and my resenting that, proved to me that I was making the right choice by being with her. "I don't want to kiss you for the first time since everything when it'd be cheating."

"That's a good idea." I knew she didn't really think that. She knew it was right, but she would've kissed me right then, with no moral reservation. But for the first time I was the one whose conscience was getting in the way. After everything that happened with Emily, I felt like I owed her that.

I wiped Clarke's tears away and gave her a small kiss on the cheek. "I'll be right back," I said and left the infirmary. I found Emily after a few moments of looking, and she seemed upset.

"How's Clarke?" She asked, but I could tell that was not what was occupying her mind.

"She woke up. She's gonna be okay."

"Good," She said, and even thought her smile seemed genuine, it was quickly replaced by the tension I sensed before it.

"Is everything okay?" I asked.

"No, not really." I waited patiently for her to gather the courage to tell me whatever it is that was wrong. The selfish part of me was annoyed that I might have to postpone breaking up with her, depending on what happened. The rest of me was just worried about her. Even if I loved Clarke, I still cared about Emily.

"I'm pregnant."

Whoa. I did not see that coming.


End file.
